If you feel like people should keep their struggles and emotions to
themselves, rather than share what they are going through, then you
should probably stop reading now.
Lately I have totally lacked
motivation. No matter what time I go to bed, how much sleep I get, I'm
flat exhausted. I haven't been to the gym in a shameful amount of time
and all I want are carbs... ever. I also seem to be drained of any
creativity. It was as if my well had run dry. A couple of weeks ago I
finally had a moment of clarity. I put all of the pieces together and
realized that I was experiencing all of the tell tale signs of
depression.
One would think that periodic bouts with it over
the last 30 years would make me realize a little sooner what was
happening. However, when you're in it you don't always see it. It's
the classic saying, "You can't see the forest for the trees." You're
just tired and sad and irritated. And you justify it all by the
disappointments and circumstances in your life. What you don't realize
is that in a different state of emotional being you would just take it
all in stride, and have, in the past, taken it all in stride.
It
took me a few days once I realized what was going on to admit it to
anyone. For some reason there is so much shame associated with
recognizing that you are feeling anything less than perfect. The two
friends I told both responded with encouragement.
One consoled
me and said it was understandable. I had just crossed a major milestone
in my life, turning 30, and though it was good it held some
disappointments. Then without any time to process what I was going
through we went right into a conference. Once it was all said and done,
and everything settled down, I was left tired with lots to process
through.
Another gave me a nugget that was one of the most
encouraging things someone could have said to me. The new day begins at
night. Tomorrow, Sunday, will not begin when the sun rises. Instead
it will begin at midnight tonight. It will be dark, and possibly scary,
full of mystery but it will be a new day.
Being from two
families that both battle depression and anxiety I realize there are
lots of contributing factors; chemical, emotional, genetic and
spiritual. I also believe we can conquer depression if we can admit
where we are at and make a determination that it will not conquer us.
For me personally I know that these bouts are decoys meant to distract
me and keep me off focus. I also know I can't deal with them alone.
There are things I have to do; spend more time with the Lord, worship
more, all that good stuff. But I also need the support of others.
Telling
Rebecca that I realized I was depressed was extremely difficult. This
seems crazy since I can tell her anything. However, there was a shame
associated with how I was feeling. I should have it all together. I
should be happy and content. I should be full of joy and energy. But I
wasn't.
I even hesitated in writing this blog. Do I want the
whole world to know that I am overcoming a bout of depression? Do I
want everyone to know that I realize that I could, and probably at some
point will, have another bout of depression that I need to overcome? Am
I prepared for the well meaning suggestions of how to rid myself of
such bouts? I weighed all of the options and considered the
consequences and decided my vulnerability could serve more purpose in
helping others than keeping my trials to myself.
I want to point
out that I do not SUFFER from depression. It does not have a permanent
hold on my life. But at times I do FIGHT it, sometimes the battle is
more fierce than others, but I FIGHT none the less.
So why am I
laying out a portion of my heart this afternoon? Because I think it
helps me and helps others. When I can say, "I'm battling depression
right now," I find it looses its power and I gain mine.
I am a
people watcher. I know that does not come as a surprise to most
people. I watch how people act and interact, I also like to analyze and
understand what makes people act the way they do. As I write this blog
two individuals of my acquaintance come to mind. Both have challenges
they are facing, battling, attempting to overcome. I don't attempt to
know or understand what they are facing in their entirety, but I know
they are facing stuff. One when asked how he is doing always responds
with great enthusiasm that he is "great" and implies that there is
nothing in the world wrong with him. The other when I have on several
recent occasions asked how he was has responded, "meh." I "teased" the
later on this frequent response, but the more I think about it Mr. Meh
is being honest and genuine and is probably the healthier of the two for
it. He can admit that he's not "great" and doesn't feel like he needs
to pretend to be in order to be doing ok. Meanwhile, Mr. Great is
really not so great after all.
Why do we hide behind masks and
walls of "everything is alright?" Why are we so afraid to be vulnerable
and honest with each other? I don't want to hide behind walls and
pretense anymore. I don't want to be afraid to admit that I am going
through a rough spot. I don't want to feel like I am less of a person,
less spiritual, or that there is something wrong with me when I am
having a hard time. And I want to be a safe place for others to open up
about what they are going through.
If you are a friend of mine I
want to be a safe place for you to be who you are. To be vulnerable.
To be real. I won't try to fix you. I will only offer my advice when
you are ready to hear it. But I will pray for you. And I will listen
whenever you need to be heard. I will be your shoulder whenever you
need one to cry on.
Galations 6:1-3 says, "Dear brothers and
sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly
should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And
be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each
other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think
you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself.
You are not that important." (New Living Translation) If we are
commanded to help each other overcome sin, how much more do you think
God wants us to help each other overcome in other situations that aren't
sin?
Let's rally around each other. Let's open up and be
honest. Transparency is a key to overcoming. When we can talk things
out we can see them from a different perspective. We begin to see that
the issues facing us are not insurmountable mountains, but are mere mole
hills. Maybe they are even mere ant hills and all we have to do is
squash them. And if they end up actually being mountains, at least we
can help each other climb them.
We are not less for facing
trials. We are stronger for staring them down and overcoming them and
sharing our victory with others!
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