Well that being said a comment was made to me last week that had me thinking. A friend asked if I ever cry. I had just mentioned my Mom, but unsure as to the reference of the question I responded, “In general or about my Mom?” Apparently this friend was not satisfied by the fact that they haven’t seen me cry about my Mom.
The interesting fact is … I don’t cry much. I actually did not cry at the memorial service. I determined to keep it together because I knew if I cried I wouldn’t be able to sing. My uncle almost foiled this plan, though he knew nothing of it, when he got up to read a scripture. Something about men crying does me in every time! However, when my Mother’s husband did his little sobbing stint I was less than amused. I actually turned around, made eye contact with Candice and rolled my eyes. (This only makes sense if you understand the whole story of what happened... Click Here to read it.)
Have I cried over my Mom’s death? The answer is yes. I sobbed when I found out. I’ve definitely had moments of sobbing since. They just occur when I’m alone, and usually at night.
Remember my blog about being the girl that was always teased and picked on? Well, I was also a cry baby. So when I got picked on, I cried. Do you know what happens if you cry when picked on? You get picked on more! At some point I realized I had to have tough skin and couldn’t cry anymore.
Stifling emotions is never healthy... at some point many years later I discovered some tears are healthy. I always hated when there was a really great worship service or altar call and everyone was crying, but me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t moved, but I just didn’t cry. On the other hand if I was angry and needed to try and confront someone I would cry. Rather counter productive.
Also, in regards to my Mom... I think about her all the time. I miss her like crazy, but I don’t want to be “Debbie Downer.” I know my friends love me and would lend a shoulder to cry on even at dinner or a movie if I needed it, but I need those times to “escape” and usually don’t want to cry at that point.
So what has triggered tears?
- When I found the recording on my phone of my Mom wishing me a Happy Birthday.
- Reading her prayer journal.
- Finding my name written next to a scripture in her Bible.
- Remembering the last conversation I had on the phone with her.
- Thinking about all the times I prayed that God wouldn’t take my Mom until I had a husband to take care of me.
Today it has been two months. It feels so much longer than that and yet like yesterday at the same time.
