WARNING: This may induce tears... or maybe I’m the only one that it made cry....
I didn’t sleep so well last night. I had a dream that my Mom was still alive. But it wasn’t a good dream.
She
was at home and being taken care of by some lady. She had decided to
have the phone turned off at the house and I had no way of getting in
contact with her. I was talking to my Uncle on the phone and he said,
“I’ve been thinking I might just need to go get her and bring her to my
house.” I found out somehow that the woman that was taking care of her
was planning to move her somewhere else. I was trying to get a hold of
my Uncle to tell him when I woke up.
I
was rather disoriented as I lay in bed trying to make sense of what I
had just dreamed. Then I remembered she wasn’t alive anymore.
I’ve
had several dreams about her, but none of them have been good. I’m
either telling her about the awful morning her husband told me he had
the hots for me and she takes his side, or we’re arguing about the fact
that she’s sick and won’t go to the doctor, or I’m screaming at her
husband to get out of their house, my house, some house and leave us the
h*** alone. This, however, is the first time I’ve woken up thinking
she was still alive.
Obviously all of my dreams are dealing with the fact that I feel like she abandoned me.
When
I was a kid she went through a really tough time. She was dating this
guy that she really loved and he broke up with her. Unfortunately
despite the fact that he was a successful doctor he couldn’t bring
himself to break up with her, himself, like an adult. He had his mother
call her. Yes, grown man in his late 30s had his mother do his dirty
work. My Mom was devastated. Years later as she was heading up a
women’s Bible study at our house I was sitting on the stairs listening
to them talk. I heard her tell the ladies that story. She said she was
so depressed she just wanted to die, but she knew she had to keep going
for me.
Fast
forward 20 years from when he broke her heart, she’s sick and refusing
to seek medical treatment, and I kept thinking... I was enough reason
for her to live before. The last time I saw her I told her, “You can
fight this. I need you to fight this.” But I wasn’t enough this time.
The
truth is I’m mad at her. I’m hurt that she didn’t want to live, if not
for herself than for me. I’m frustrated that all of this could have
been prevented by one trip to the doctor’s office when she realized that
she had a cough that never went away. And I miss her like crazy, every
single day!
I
used to get so annoyed when I visited her because she would hover over
me while I was on the computer. She’d read Facebook over my shoulder
and ask me all sorts of questions. I told her to stop hovering, I was
an adult, not a teenager that needed to be monitored online. Now I’d
give anything for her to stand behind me with her hands on my shoulders
hovering. But I’d settle for a dream where I just got to hug her, or
talk to her about all that has happened since she left.
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