About a month ago I almost started World War III in my living room when I declared that I did not believe guys and girls could be "just friends." That was all I said and then sat back and watched the debate begin. Even though the responses were entertaining, I did not state the opinion just to watch the feathers fly. I actually believe that guys and girls can not be "just friends."
I have lots of friends that are guys, but my relationship with them is quite different from my relationship with my girl friends. I try not to have a lot of intimate conversations with my guy friends. Those talks aren't meant for every guy, they are meant for 1 guy, and I haven't met him yet. Or if I have... I haven't realized he's the one to have those conversations with. I haven't always felt this way, but after multiple occasions of getting stuck in the "friend zone" and getting hurt in the "friend zone" I realized I had to learn to keep my heart guarded.
I've lost track of how many times I have become the "sister" or the "friend." The monologue by Iris at the beginning of The Holiday struck me in the way that a good song normally would:
"..... And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms."
It's one thing to have a crush. It's another to have a crush on a good friend, even a best friend, and live day in and day out hoping that he'll see you standing in front of him.... or her, because yes this happens to guys too! It should come as no surprise that friends fall for each other. I mean if you're friends with someone it is probably because they have qualities that you admire and are people that you enjoy. These are the same building blocks that build marriages.. or should.
I've always said that I wanted my husband to be my best friend. However, I somehow got it in my head that my future husband would first be my best friend and then my husband. So when I would allow a guy, a friend, into the circle of trust and we began sharing our stories, our hurts, our dreams, our plans, etc. I assumed we were on the track to marital bliss. Certainly he would eventually realize I was the perfect girl for him, and all of the fun we had together could make for a lifetime of memories. If he was interested in someone else? Oh I would just grin and bear it. He would come to his senses. He would realize "you belong with me." (Sing a little Taylor Swift right here...)
Obviously, by the fact that I'm writing this blog and still single, that never happened. Instead I allowed my heart to get all wrapped up in someone that just didn't feel the same way. I could have remained friends with them had I kept my heart in check, but because I allowed my thoughts to wander, and my heart to foolishly fall in love it all ended badly. Some of those friendships have been repaired to the level of acquaintance, others are irreparably destroyed.
All of the awkwardness, heartache, strife and drama could have been avoided if I had been wise in creating boundaries! I could easily have enjoyed the company and friendship of those individuals if I had been strong enough to draw a line. Nothing physical ever transpired, but an emotional bond was created that could have been avoided. Soul ties can be created without physical intimacy of any level. If I had possessed the wisdom to guard my heart we would all be much happier.
At the same time I needed to control my thoughts. The scripture says to take every thought captive, and let me tell you I should have locked my thoughts up and thrown away the key. I would imagine the perfect scenario where my "best friend" would suddenly have an epiphany and then confess his undying love for me. This repeatedly set me up for disappointment. I set my expectations so high that no man could have aspired to meet them, even if he did decide he ardently loved and adored me. (Ten points to the person who can name that reference.)
Here's the thing "a lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment." We were intentionally created to be "emotional dreamers." Because of this it is vitally important that we guard our hearts and take captive our thoughts, not allowing ourselves to "give in" prematurely.
The fault for such heart wanderings and broken friendships does not lay solely with the girls. The guys play a part in this, rest assured! Any guy who finds himself in a situation where he spends lots of alone time with a girl that is a friend should take a step back. What message are you sending her? You may think she's just "a sister" to you, but are you sure? If a girl is willing to lay down everything to spend time with you, listens to you talk on the phone for hours on end, texts you throughout the day, etc... there's probably more there. Reevaluate! If you only see her as a sister or a friend and could never imagine marrying her, let her go. Do it gently and hopefully in a way that will preserve your friendship (a smarter, guarded, less intimate version) and spare all of your mutual friends drama and the feeling that they need to choose sides. If you do like her, if you could see forever with her, tell her, and then prove it to her. (See my blog "What it Takes.") Commit to the fight! Like I have said before... courage isn't the absence of fear, it's acting in spite of fear!
At this point I am inclined to say to the ladies, if you think your "guy friend" is just afraid you're going to reject him then break the ice. Don't be afraid to ask him what the status of your "relationship" is. Maybe it will be the swift kick in the hiney that he needs. Or if he's really just happy to have you around as a friend/sister and he has no intentions of "making an honest woman out of you" it will give you the doorway to move on for yourself. And if that is how he feels... you should move on! I know, I've been there. It's highly unlikely things will change if you stick around. Move on, let him go!
Commit to the fight! As long as we dance around the issues and the truth we keep ourselves from a full and happy life. People who have their trusty "friend" around are essentially putting up a "do not disturb" sign for any other would be suitors. Don't allow yourself to become so comfortable in a "friendship" that is going nowhere that you miss your somewhere!
Guys and girls can be friends with proper boundaries. I'm not talking about walls, I'm talking about boundaries. Boundaries are good. They keep us safe. Walls isolate us. Be wise and be friendly!
I'm starting to think these blogs are my own personal therapy! I've finally gained enough healing to look at some of my own mistakes objectively. Now I'd like to help others to take a different path!
How Do I Get There
by Deana Carter
We've always been the best of friends
No secrets and no demands
But suddenly from somewhere out of the blue
I see a different light around you
One thing I haven't told you, I just want to hold you
And never let go, I need to know
How do I get there from here
How do I make you see
How do I tell you what my heart's been tellin' me
Lost in you lovin' arms that's where I wanna be
You know I love you
How do I get there
You've probably think I've lost my mind
Takin' this chance crossin' that line
But I promise to be truer than true
Dreaming every night with these arms around you
I can't wait any longer this feeling's gettin' stronger help me find a way
How do I get there from here
How do I make you see
How do I tell you what my heart's been tellin' me
Lost in you lovin' arms that's where I wanna be
You know I love you
How do I get there
I know the shortest distance between two points is a straight line
But I'll climb any mountain that you want me to climb
The perfect combination is your heart and mine
Darlin' won't you give me a sign
How do I get there from here
How do I make you see
How do I tell you what my heart's been tellin' me
Lost in you lovin' arms that's where I wanna be
You know I love you
How do I get there
by Deana Carter
We've always been the best of friends
No secrets and no demands
But suddenly from somewhere out of the blue
I see a different light around you
One thing I haven't told you, I just want to hold you
And never let go, I need to know
How do I get there from here
How do I make you see
How do I tell you what my heart's been tellin' me
Lost in you lovin' arms that's where I wanna be
You know I love you
How do I get there
You've probably think I've lost my mind
Takin' this chance crossin' that line
But I promise to be truer than true
Dreaming every night with these arms around you
I can't wait any longer this feeling's gettin' stronger help me find a way
How do I get there from here
How do I make you see
How do I tell you what my heart's been tellin' me
Lost in you lovin' arms that's where I wanna be
You know I love you
How do I get there
I know the shortest distance between two points is a straight line
But I'll climb any mountain that you want me to climb
The perfect combination is your heart and mine
Darlin' won't you give me a sign
How do I get there from here
How do I make you see
How do I tell you what my heart's been tellin' me
Lost in you lovin' arms that's where I wanna be
You know I love you
How do I get there
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