Feels Like Home

I should start by apologizing if this blog is a repeat of others. It's just strong on my heart right now.

This evening I got in my first full workout in some time. Between rain, conference and being just plain busy I put in some time on the Wii Fit, but didn't necessarily get to walk. Today however I resumed my routine, walked to Amanda's, Wii-ed it up for about 40 minutes and then finished my 2 mile walk. Hamon Avenue was bustling with activity. As I walked back up the road, my walk nearly 1/2 over, it hit me. It? The sudden realization that I love this place. Tears filled my eyes and I began thanking God that He led me here.

The first several years, okay seven, that I was here I compared everything to where I came from. Then, after coming face to face with my issues, my focus shifted. Soon enough I was looking for a way out. In my own defense I thought God was opening doors for me to leave. I actually sat down with Dr. Tim, my boss, and told him I thought God was moving me on. Considering my job I felt it was only fair to give him plenty of warning. I told him nothing was definite, but that I planned to knock on doors until one opened or God said otherwise. Despite my best efforts nothing ever opened up. As I write this I wonder if he sat there listening but actually thinking "she'll get it out of her system." Who knows....

A year ago the doors officially closed on my moving plans. A little while later, as I walked into the sanctuary during a conference, I said to God, "I'm okay with staying here forever as long as I don't have to stay alone." That was it. Call it resolve or surrender.... I started to let go. Then began a daily journey of trusting Him. Trusting that no matter how things looked, how I felt, how much money was in my bank account, what people said, He was in control and He would work things out for my good.

The thing is... even at Christmas I wasn't so sure that here was where I wanted to be. Sure I had said that to God, but somewhere in the back of my mind thought maybe it was a test, and He needed me to say that so I could "be content" and He could bring whatever. I imagined doors opening for me to stay in WV or OH, but obviously they didn't.

Since the beginning of the year something has shifted in my heart. Occasionally things happen like tonight when I'm just overwhelmed with love for this place and the people around me. I am happy. I am content. I am glad to be here. Finally after 10.5 years I am happy to be here! This is where I want to be. I've always been in support of the vision, but now I love the vision. If only I could have had this epiphany 8 years ago...

I love our close knit community. I love that the boys are just down the road if we need anything. And though I act annoyed I even enjoy when they decide to drop in unannounced (though announced is so much better... espiecally on a Saturday afternoon). It's like having brothers.

My heart is finally content. We've been through the toughest financial season in the 9 years that I've been on staff, and yet not once through it have I feared. Actually I've been able to maintain a reserve in my bank account. I know that God has it all worked out. All of it.

I wish I had a "formula" that I could share with everyone to help others find their place of contentment. All I can say is, TRUST HIM. When we are really willing to lay not just our dreams and our plans in His hands, but our anxieties, fears and doubts then He can quiet those things. He has calmed and quieted my soul ... Waterdeep sings Psalm 131:

Oh Lord my heart is not lifted up
My eyes are not raised to high for Thee
I do not think on things to great or marvelous
Or matters too difficult for me

But I have calmed and quieted my soul
Like a weaned child is my soul within me
I have calmed and quieted my soul
Like a weaned child with its mother is my soul within me

O Israel trust in the Lord
From this time forth and forevermore
O Israel trust in the Lord
From this time forth and forevermore