A particular event of the last week has prompted me to write a blog providing some insight into the inner workings of Kara. In trying to keep with my theme of this blog - When words fail music picks up - "After much profound brain things inside my head" (quote from Madagascar which I am watching at present) for an appropriate song to be the theme. I quickly remembered a Francesca Battistelli song "Behind the Scenes." (Lyrics to follow.)
It would seem that I put off this exterior that I have it all together, and I don't struggle with insecurity or fear of rejection. I actually had someone say to me once, "We'll you're so strong I didn't think it would bother you." Uh... Though I have developed fairly tough skin and God has been faithful to replace my "chicken feathers with duck feathers" there is still a sensitive person inside. (Water off a duck's back.) In the same token, though I can get up and sing before 100s even 1000s, strike up conversations with random strangers and even speak publicly when necessary it's not really because I am so confident, or without insecurities. I have just learned to get over it and do it.
Yesterday I was discussing with a few co-workers/friends my fear and trepidation about talking to an attractive member of the opposite sex. One of them was completely floored by this. They actually commented to someone else, "Can you believe that Kara would have that problem?" I suppose he views me as so out going that he can't imagine I would have any social handicaps, but when it comes to talking to a guy... I'm completely lame. My stomach turns and I'm sure I will throw up at any moment. Not to mention my face turns about 35 shades of red and I start shaking like a leaf in a hurricane.
The same co-worker said I needed to get out from behind the cash register (my job during conferences) and mingle. While I agreed I put up a good fight as to why I can't do that - We don't have enough people. If I don't do it, who will. And so on....
My biggest fear, rejection. I have dealt with it so much over my 29 years, and am so familiar with it's sting that I shutter at any situation that sets me up for it's potential. I realize that it is imperative to press beyond this fear if I have any ambition of succeeding in life. I can say I do find it in me in most cases to do so, but it's hardly ever easy. The time it seems most impossible to overcome.... when thinking of talking to a boy. Obviously not every boy strikes this fear in me as I have lots of guy friends that I can easily talk to and hang out with. (Three of which dropped by unannounced and are currently sitting in my house.)
So, as yesterday's conversation started me pondering the way people see me vs. the way I feel on the inside, it also caused me to ponder something else. For some time I have been thinking about writing a blog about what it means to be pursued in regards to "dating." I was formulating my great argument about how guys should step it up and be pursuers and girls should let them but never had the time to put it all together. Yesterday I started wondering maybe my blog, which I originally decided would have been entitled "The Art of Being Pursued," would better be titled "Pursuit, Pride or Petrified."
Though I still think guys need to step it up, I started to wonder if my passion towards being pursued was just a front to hide behind. Much like hiding behind my cash register at conferences waiting for people to come to me. It's so much safer and though I can make a valid argument for staying behind my safe little table, it is my job after all, maybe it's a crutch, an excuse.
Is my passion for being pursued because it takes out the risk of rejection? I'm not talking about throwing myself at every eligible bachelor that crosses my path, but even Ruth had to let Boaz know she was available. I don't know... just trying to figure things out...
Anyway, the real point of this blog was to point out that everyone is more complicated than they may seem, me included. And while I realize my short comings and am trying to overcome them, through God's help, it's not always easy!
As promised above, here are the lyrics to the blog title inspiration:
Behind The Scenes - Lyrics
Behind The Scenes - Lyrics
Album: My Paper Heart
Artist: Francesca Battistelli
You may think
I’m just fine
How could anything
Ever be out of line?
I take my time
To set the stage
To make sure everything
Is all in place
Even though I’ve got the lines rehearsed
A picture only paints a thousand words
(Chorus)
Things aren’t always what they seem
You’re only seeing part of me
There’s more than you could ever know
Behind the scenes
I’m incomplete and I’m undone
But I suppose like everyone
There’s so much more that’s going on
Behind the scenes
Sometimes I can’t see
Anything
Through the dark
Surrounding me
And at times I’m unsure
About the ground
Beneath my feet
If it’s safe and sound
When it’s hard to find hope in the unseen
I have peace in knowing it will find me
(Chorus)
You may think I’m just fine
How could anything ever be out of line?
(Chorus)
- From the album:
- My Paper Heart
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