Tick, Tick, Tick.... DINGGGGGGGGGGG

The last few days I've felt like Ron Burgandy after his dog was punted off the bridge, as if I was in a glass case of emotion.  The problem was I couldn't pinpoint why.  Little things were working me up and I felt a little "la la."  (La la is what I decided to call it when I was feeling crazy so I wasn't actually confessing that I felt like I was going crazy.)  I could blame my hormones, but it wasn't the right timing... and usually that just results in me being irritable, not weepy.  And then my lovely app, Timehop, clued me in.  See, everyday Timehop shows me my social media posts for that day from a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, and sometimes as many as six years ago.  It was while I was scrolling through that stroll down memory lane that I realized the significance of this week and what was making me so emotional. 

Another Mom Dream

This morning I had another dream about my Mom.  It’s left me a bit weepy all morning and made me unusually late for work.  It’s rather difficult to put on eye makeup when tears are streaming down your face.  Good thing I have waterproof eye liner!  And so thankful for understanding bosses and co-workers.

Mom Dream 5.4.11

WARNING:  This may induce tears... or maybe I’m the only one that it made cry....

I didn’t sleep so well last night.  I had a dream that my Mom was still alive.  But it wasn’t a good dream.  

Mother's Day Ads are Killing Me!

Months ago my very smart and long time friend Gena decided that she and her husband wanted me with them for Mother’s Day.  So we planned a crazy little trip that included me going to Baton Rouge and us driving to Dallas to celebrate my friend Crysta’s impending 30th birthday.  (More on that trip at a later date.)

I’ve wondered for some time how I would feel on Mother’s Day.  Would being away from home, with people that are very much family to me help me through it without any incident, or would it still be hard?  

Cry Baby... or not...

Please tell me I’m not the only person that can be provoked to deep thought by one conversation, or even sometimes one comment.  Surely I’m not the only person that this is true for.  

Well that being said a comment was made to me last week that had me thinking.  A friend asked if I ever cry.  I had just mentioned my Mom, but unsure as to the reference of the question I responded, “In general or about my Mom?”  Apparently this friend was not satisfied by the fact that they haven’t seen me cry about my Mom.  

The interesting fact is … I don’t cry much.  I actually did not cry at the memorial service.  I determined to keep it together because I knew if I cried I wouldn’t be able to sing.  My uncle almost foiled this plan, though he knew nothing of it, when he got up to read a scripture.  Something about men crying does me in every time!  However, when my Mother’s husband did his little sobbing stint I was less than amused.  I actually turned around, made eye contact with Candice and rolled my eyes.  (This only makes sense if you understand the whole story of what happened... Click Here to read it.)  

Have I cried over my Mom’s death?  The answer is yes.  I sobbed when I found out.  I’ve definitely had moments of sobbing since.  They just occur when I’m alone, and usually at night.

Remember my blog about being the girl that was always teased and picked on?  Well, I was also a cry baby.  So when I got picked on, I cried.  Do you know what happens if you cry when picked on?  You get picked on more!  At some point I realized I had to have tough skin and couldn’t cry anymore.  

Stifling emotions is never healthy... at some point many years later I discovered some tears are healthy.  I always hated when there was a really great worship service or altar call and everyone was crying, but me.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t moved, but I just didn’t cry.  On the other hand if I was angry and needed to try and confront someone I would cry.  Rather counter productive.  

Also, in regards to my Mom... I think about her all the time.  I miss her like crazy, but I don’t want to be “Debbie Downer.”  I know my friends love me and would lend a shoulder to cry on even at dinner or a movie if I needed it, but I need those times to “escape” and usually don’t want to cry at that point.

So what has triggered tears?  

• When I found the recording on my phone of my Mom wishing me a Happy Birthday.
• Reading her prayer journal.
• Finding my name written next to a scripture in her Bible.
• Remembering the last conversation I had on the phone with her.
• Thinking about all the times I prayed that God wouldn’t take my Mom until I had a husband to take care of me.

Today it has been two months.  It feels so much longer than that and yet like yesterday at the same time.