An Update on Me

Two weeks ago today I had a bit of a break down and scared quite a few of the people that care about me.  I had reached what I call a point of “critical mass.”  

I’ll spare you all the details of that dark evening, but I realized a few things after the fact.


1. I kinda have a right to be a little crazy right now.  I mean, if you know me you know I’m not the type to play on it, or use it as an excuse, but really.... First my mother’s husband came on to me, then she passed away, then my Dad did what he always does.  Top all of that with loneliness, financial issues and the normal stress of life and you have a recipe for a basket case!  Good news is … I don’t like to be in a perpetual state of crazy so I’ll work through it and get through it little by little.

2. I’ve been living in a cycle of crisis mode since November.  I just push through, push through, push through to take care of whatever is at hand and then deal with the emotional ramifications afterwards.  Through the years I’ve seen this play out in different scenarios whether with me directly or with others.  Let me give you an example of the crisis mode scenario - A friend or family member is in a car accident. When you get the call adrenaline immediately kicks in and you switch into “go mode.”  You drop everything and go to where they are, or you go take care of something like pick up the kids, etc.  Your emotions are kicked to the background and you do what you know needs to be done.  Later on when you’re back home, on the couch breathing a sigh of relief it all hits you.  That’s crisis mode, or at least the one I function in.  After pushing through my birthday, determined to enjoy it regardless of the circumstances of my life, I stopped to breathe and it all hit me.  (Which is not to in anyway diminish how wonderful a birthday/birthday week I had.  It was amazing.  If I haven’t said it enough... I’ll say it again... my friends are AMAZING!)

3. At some point I realized my emotions are a bit like the landscape of Japan.  I’m hoping this is not an insensitive comparison to make, but sometimes I feel like my heart was hit by a giant tsunami.  Somewhere amidst the rubble is me.  Bowled over, covered up, beaten and a little bruised, but valiantly attempting to clean up and move on.  Some days it just feels insurmountable.  Others I see glimpses of normality.  The reality is that the “clean up” is going to take a while.  There’s no magic pill to take to make it all better and heal my broken heart.  It’s going to take time.  Unfortunately I have to keep reminding myself it’s going to take time.  I have a lot LESS grace for myself through this process than others seem to have.  Truth is, I’m grateful their grace, and God’s,  is greater than mine...

4. I can cry about the silliest things!  I was watching Kate Plus 8 the other night and she teared up while holding a Koala bear at the Australia Zoo.  Silly really, but guess what.... I was crying too!  

5. I want to talk about my Mom to help me remember her, but I don’t want to be “Debbie Downer.”  More than just talk about her I almost need people to ask me about her, I want people to ask me about her to help me remember.

6. I’m not ready to sell her hairpieces.  You say, “WHAT?”  Yeah, my Mom started wearing a full on wig (I think she felt better calling it a hair piece.) when I was about 6.  (Oh, she’s probably shaking her head in heaven right now that I’m saying this.)  I took the 4 or 5 she had when I went through the house the day after her service.  My first thought was to give them away, but I can’t find anyone that wants to take them for free.  So I thought about trying to sell them.  I don’t really need my Mom’s hair sitting around in my storage room for the next 50 years.  However, I pulled them out the other night to assess their condition and get them ready to put them on eBay.  When I opened the container they were in I smelled my Mom.  Suddenly I felt like I was about to sell a piece of her.  So, back in the container they went and back to the pile I pulled them from.  I might have to assign this task to someone else.  I really don’t want to keep them, but I also can’t bring myself to personally sell them to the highest bidder.  It seems like it wouldn’t “hurt” as bad if someone took them out of my house and later money mysteriously appeared in my bank account.

I miss my Mom like CRAZY!  I miss being able to call her and talk about nothing or everything.  She was one of my best friends.  Whenever we would get off of the phone she always said, “Thanks for calling me on the telephone!”  

I regret the months that I let go by without calling her as much because I was mad at her.  I was mad she wouldn’t go to the doctor.  I wish I would have known then how fleeting our time “together” was.  But hindsight is always 20/20.

This weekend I’ll help with my first wedding since she passed away.  Over the summer after I had found out she was sick I was working a wedding and watching as the Bride and her Mother had several special moments before the big day.  I remember wondering then if I would ever get to have those moments with my Mom.  It took everything in me to keep it together.  Fortunately Robyn and I had things to do so we quickly left before anyone, even Robyn, knew that I was on the verge of a meltdown.  

I’m grateful that this weekend is Charity’s wedding, a CI wedding, with people that love me and know me and will understand if I have a moment or two.  I know Robyn would understand, cause she’s awesome like that, but I would hate to have a meltdown on her!  It might disrupt my rockstar assistant standing.  ;-)  This way I can face it in the comfort of my “home” and there will be one less first on my list....