If you don't dream big, what's the use in dreaming?

Tonight is the first night of the 2009 American Idol season. Last year I was totally addicted being I finally had cable and DVR, but this year even the sight of the commercials strike a twinge of regret. For years people have been trying to get me to try out. This past August my friend offered to take me to Jacksonville to the final tryout for this season. I debated over it, but in the end refused. There were several reasons: 1. Neither of us had the money to make that trip; 2. I was supposed to leave for DC the day after the auditions which at best case scenario are a 4 day process; 3. I was scared to death!

If you've ever watched the show you know there is a huge number of contestants that get before the judges and talk about how everyone in their church loves to hear them sing, but then when they open their mouths you wonder if their entire church is tone deaf. I was scared to death to be lumped into that group. I was also scared to death of not making it past the first round of judging. Somehow to never go and face the regret seemed easier than facing the failure and rejection. I've been singing since I was in 2nd grade, I lead worship and write songs, but that doesn't mean I'd make it before the "real" judges,
let alone to Hollywood, and then into the top 12.... But then I think, "What if I would have?"

Nearly every morning while walking I round the corner to pass the front of our offices and debate whether or not to go ahead walk down Apostles Way, cross 98 and follow my normal route down Hamon Avenue. Every morning a little fear creeps in and I wonder if my ankle will hold out, if I'll get too tired, if something else "bad" will happen once I cross the road and am "so far" from my house. So far, for the last six mornings, I have pressed beyond my ridiculous fear and continued on my planned route. In the end I'm happier for it. Though the biggest accomplishment is that I actually get up at 7am and go walking, I feel more satisfied that I have walked across the street, down Hamon Avenue and back.

I became aware of my "point of decision" this morning while walking and then while getting ready contemplated the start of AI. I'm sad when I look back and think of all of the things I have missed because I let fear stop me. Experiences, relationships, opportunities.... all sacrificed to the comfort zone. All slaughtered by fear. There's no changing my decisions of the past. There's no next year to try out for AI. Their age limit is 28 and guess what... in 2 months and 13 days I'll be 29....

I'm reading "Talent is Never Enough" by John Maxwell (The 2009 book list in the sidebar of my blog shows what books I've read this year. The top one on the list is the one I'm working on.) It's a great book and I would recommend it to anyone to help discover their talents and learn how to use them effectively. At the end of each chapter are a series of questions to help you reflect and apply the principles to your own life. One of the questions asked how much time (percentage) you spend thinking about the past, present and future. It then suggested that 90% of your time should be spent thinking and focusing on the present, 5% on the past if it is to focus on lessons learned and 5% on the future. With that in mind all I can do is to make choices today, in the present, that will overcome fear and open up new thoughts for the 5% of time I spend thinking about the future.

Now that I've gotten this out of my system I must go write and proof like a wild woman! There are probably more thoughts to come........