When words fail....

My Car Wish List

2012-01-30T21:51:00.001-06:00

Well as you know I'm car shopping. It's funny how everyone and their brother knows someone that can help you find a car. It's awesome, and overwhelming all at the same time.
Several people have asked me what I want, what I'm looking for and I didn't really know how to answer them. I've never picked out my own car. They were all either picked out by my Mom or given to me by someone else. Today I made a list of things I needed to do at home tonight (eating frogs) and "make a car wish list" was on the list. Here it is:

Automatic (I tried to learn to drive a standard when I was younger... it didn't go so well.)
Less than $200 per month payment
Less than 70K miles
Less than six years old
Mid-size
Four Door
Fuel Efficient or Hybrid (Hybrid SUV would be the bomb!)
Sunroof
AM/FM/CD Player and has either an auxiliary jack or blue-tooth capabilities
If leather interior - seat warmers
Power doors and windows
Keyless Entry
Not brown!

It's not a deal breaker if a car doesn't have ALL of these things, but if I could customize my car these are the things I would like. I want something reliable that will last a long time. Something that won't just get me around town, but that I would feel safe and comfortable taking on road trips to Baton Rouge, West Virginia and beyond!

Pray that I find the right car and have favor with salesmen and financing!

Roadside Rescuers Strike Again and... Chivalry is almost dead...

2012-01-17T22:15:00.001-06:00

Today was going like any other Tuesday. I was a little later than usual to work because I woke up feeling rather crappy. Bronchitis seems to have turned into a sinus infection and the combination has the potential to make me feel very miserable. Not to mention I don’t talk, I croak. My plan was to wait until tomorrow, when we get paid, to go back down to the walk in clinic and say, “Help! Your antibiotics didn’t work and I have to lead worship this Sunday!” I had an appointment at 2pm to get my bangs trimmed and afterwards decided since I was halfway to the clinic I would head out there today.

Halfway there my car, which was running perfectly fine before, started to make a sputtering noise. I decided to turn around and head back to the office. When I put my foot on the brake, as I approached an intersection, it died. Somehow I managed to coast from the left hand lane across to the corner of the turn lane, but I couldn’t go any further than that. (This is the second time in my life I’ve broken down in the left hand lane and had to coast across other lanes of traffic and miraculously no one was coming.) I was right by a gas station, a somewhat scary gas station, but I couldn’t get it around the corner and into the lot.

I turned on my hazard lights, stayed in the car, and tried to figure out who to call. Do I call Pastor Dan like I always do? Do I try to call someone that lives near by? I needed a guy to come and help move the car. I tried a combination of both... no answer. So I called Sherilyn at the office and asked her to send one of the guys. Sick, frustrated, and getting hot, I sat in the car.

Despite having my hazard lights on several cars came up behind me and honked. REALLY? What part of the flashing lights on the back of my car did they not get? I was even more amazed at all the guys that drove by that didn’t stop to offer help. Maybe it’s because I was in the car and not standing out by it, but it was not a smart idea to stand on the corner of a busy intersection. However, I may not have been all that much safer in the car since people didn’t seem to understand the hazard lights.

I was starting to wonder if chivalry had died completely when a finally a guy jumped out of the passenger side of an SUV that was headed another direction and ran over offering to push it into the gas station parking lot. He was with a girl, probably his wife or girlfriend that said, “Go help her!” Either way it was really sweet of him to push my car into the parking lot. He didn’t even wait around long enough for me to thank him. Just ran back and jumped in his car. I got out just in time to yell thank you and wave at them both.

Jimmy and Pastor Dan showed up and went to work trying to figure out what was wrong. They tried to jump the car, but it didn’t work. I went into the gas station and bought a Coke to finally get rid of a bit.. okay a lot... of corrosion off of my battery. Once that was gone they attempted jumping the car again. It worked, sounded normal, so I started to drive it home. Jimmy was behind me, all was going well until we got about halfway back. Again as I got to an intersection and started to put on the brake it sputtered and died. This time smoke was pouring out from under the hood. Phrases like “there’s a lot of oil” and “cracked head gasket” were being thrown around. Neither are comforting.

I left Clementine at the intersection of 98 and 331. We called Norm, the trusty car guy, and he was going to come tow it. Pastor Dan also called the Sheriff’s office to let them know that my car was being picked up so I wouldn’t get a ticket for abandoning it at the intersection.

I’m hoping it’s nothing major...

My Love/Hate Relationship with Planning

2012-01-17T12:25:00.003-06:00

I love to plan and be organized and have goals, but sometimes the process of putting all of that in place gets me down. I spent most of an entire work day making a to-do list for our media team and planning deadlines for some major upcoming projects. As much as I LOVE planning I was frustrated by the process. I had to keep in mind that in the long run the time, that was seemingly unproductive, spent marking things on a calendar, sending emails to assign task deadlines, and making our to-do list would make me happy in the long run.

I am pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADD (evidenced by the fact that I regularly have at least eight tabs open in Firefox and four programs running on my computer at once)... add that to my OCD and you’ve got trouble. I think that plays into why I love and hate the planning process. Sometimes my brain starts in the middle rather than at the beginning or the end. Either alternative would make planning so much easier than starting in the middle.

It just dawned on me that part of feeling unproductive while planning probably points to the fact that it doesn’t always show immediate productivity to others. As I mark things on a calendar, send emails and plan, plan, plan I know I’m marking stuff off of my list, but others may not.

Someone please tell me I’m not the only one that feels this way? In the mean time I will continue planning... even if at the moment it feels unproductive! I have all of 2013 to start planning...

Confession: I have Thursday hair!

2012-01-12T17:03:00.000-06:00

You read that right. I have Thursday hair. Most people would be very familiar with the idea of Monday hair - It’s the first day back to work after a relaxing weekend and the last thing you want to do is put any effort into fixing your hair. You do what is necessary to make you look presentable for work, but everyone knows that the state of your hair is a silent protest to the end of the weekend and the beginning of another week.

Thursday hair is a lesser known phenomenon afflicting those Christians with a midweek service obligation. Even if you have a job that requires you to look presentable on a regular basis (mine doesn’t “require” it, but sure appreciates it) Wednesday brings along a need for a little extra effort, not unlike that of a Friday. Why? Well it’s simple. Wednesday night church is the midweek moment to see the people who’s opinions you really care about. Whether you’re on the worship team and you don’t want to appear disheveled, are just keeping up appearances, or trying to impress someone of the opposite sex, there are plenty of reasons that midweek service induces extra grooming processes.

I know, I still haven’t gotten to explaining what Thursday hair is. Well it’s simple - Thursday hair is the result of midweek service hangover. (I’m not talking about alcohol.) Every good midweek service goer, at least of the single and/or married without school age children variety, knows that the only proper way to fully worship the Lord on a Wednesday night is to go out to eat after the midweek service. When I was in High School a very large portion of our 800 member youth group converged on Applebees. It was naturally the best option since they offered Happy Hour which included ½ price appetizers. Considering there were a lot of Bible College students in the mix, cheap was the way to go. Ironically, many moons and a different state later, I find it funny that my current church peer group, those under 35, again choose to be patrons of Applebees.

Since Wednesday service turns into a midweek explosion of spirituality and socialization, Thursday morning brings on sleep deprivation and a social hangover. Your, nearly redeemed from the weekend, sleep habits have been jolted by the midweek revelry and Thursday morning hits you like a Mac truck. The last thing you want to do is put any effort into getting ready for work. If you’re like me you don’t have to worry about impressing your co-workers. The people you really wanted to see, and be seen by, were at the midweek service and are unlikely to be run into on Thursday. Hence, Thursday hair! Much like Monday hair, it is a silent testament to the night before and a protest to the day ahead. Friday your hair will be back in shape, that is if you have plans for Friday night, or at least washed. But as for now... you have Thursday hair and you don’t care who knows it. (Though... more often I find Thursdays betraying me and revealing my Thursday hair to people I would rather not know about it.)

What does Thursday hair look like? Well for me Thursday hair is bangs pinned back with bobby pins in a pseudo cockeyed bump on my head and a faint remnant of the curls that were on Wednesday. For some it might be a half hearted attempt at reviving the once curling locks with some spray or a run through of the curling iron. For others it may be that plastered look that comes from using the straightening iron on hair that was gooped with product the day before. It might even be a pony tail, at which point I must state that if you are going to wear your hair in a pony tail it should be accompanied by long earrings. At least that’s the rule my friends and I have always had. Guys seem to get off easy on Thursdays. Perhaps Thursday hair for them is actually reflected in a little extra scruff on their faces, or a little less gel in the hair. Maybe even better yet it’s reflected in yesterday’s gel still in the hair.

I do realize that all of my musings about Thursday hair I only consider that people refuse to wash their hair on Thursdays. For those daily hair washers out there... I assume Thursday hair is a quick wash and blow dry while running out the door.

I know I’m not alone in this! Tell me about your Thursday hair, or other weekly rituals! Whatever your Thursday hair looks like I hope this gave you a little smile to help you through to Friday!

I will not succomb to comfort foods!

2012-01-06T11:57:00.000-06:00

There's something about being sick, even if you don't feel that bad, that can be a challenge ready to derail you from any eating plan whether it's a diet or a fast. I've been coughing since about New Year's Day, but just kept thinking, "Oh it will get better!" Yesterday my sister called and told me that everyone in the family has either acute bronchitis or pneumonia. Well... I decided I should probably go get checked out. I don't want to mess with possibly messing up my lungs! Sure enough I have bronchitis. I was prescribed a ZPak and cough syrup with condone and sent on my way.
Unfortunately the antibiotic kinda made me sick to my stomach when I took it. All I wanted last night was bread or something soothing and comforting, but I pressed on. I even managed to Zumba last night, which may or may not have been a good idea with bronchitis. But heck, I had already done it three other times this week.

So yesterday's food intake looked like this:

Coffee with vanilla almond milk - Of course!
4 slices of canned peaches - I didn't realize I got the ones in HEAVY SYRUP and when I started eating them they were much too sweet! I could have saved the rest, rinsed them and eaten them later, but instead they went in the trash.
Spinach Salad from Pizza by the Sea sans the feta and the chicken. - I missed the feta the most. Oh, and the dressing was on the side. I only used half of one of the little cups they gave me.
Dry roasted peanuts

And then there was dinner... which despite my not so happy tummy was SO YUM!
Spaghetti Squash - Cut in half and cooked rind up on a cookie sheet for 40 minutes at 375º and then shredded with a fork. Jarred pasta sauce with some added herbs and such. Topped with red peppers and zucchini that I sauteed in my new wok with some olive oil and minced garlic. On the side I had asparagus tossed in olive oil, minced garlic, sea salt, and ground pepper and broiled for about eight minutes.

I was worried the spaghetti squash would be mushy, but it was PERFECT. The consistency was very much like angel hair pasta and with the sauce and veggies there was no taste difference that I could tell.

Also, just some bonus information, yesterday at the walkin clinic as the nurse was checking my vitals she said my blood pressure was perfect! 120 over 80! Yay!

The wonder of a smoothie and a spinach salad!

2012-01-04T15:25:00.001-06:00

I bought stuff last night to make smoothies in the mornings. However, I have to actually get up in time to make said smoothie before leaving for work. Despite my Sleepy Time Extra tea and my favorite night time cough syrup I didn't sleep too well and then overslept. And as it would happen I HAD to wash my hair this morning. So... I forewent the smoothie and grabbed a banana on the way out the door, my coffee with vanilla almond milk in the other hand.

Since I was late to work I hit the ground "running" and didn't break open my banana until the end of a meeting with my Media team. Guess what happened as I was peeling my banana just about ready to take a bite?
It broke and fell on the floor in my office. I picked it up, definitely inside the 30 second rule window, but could not bring myself to eat it after it touched my office floor. I know the kinds of critters that have been known to roam our office when no one is here. I have heard the stories of people cleaning and chasing squirrels around. I've swept mouse droppings off this very floor. Good thing my house is close, REAL CLOSE, so I ran home to make a smoothie.

Ten fresh strawberries + a banana + about half a cup of orange/strawberry/ banana juice + some ice = YUMMY!

Around 2pm I decided it would be a good idea to eat something that would hold me over until after church tonight. It's the first Wednesday of the month and we have our Power and Glory service, which is worship and prayer. I hate to eat before I sing because it make me burp. Since I'm still susceptible to random coughing (though feeling quite a bit better) I figured I should eat sooner rather than later. The alternatives are either burping or starving...

Again thankful for the fact that I live close to my house I ran home to make a salad. I pulled a bag of spinach out of the fridge and in the process of heaping some into a bowl discovered half a bag of baby spinach from Publix only has 20 calories. Well that spinach, some dried cranberries, almond slivers and some lite balsamic vinaigrette dressing and I was set!

After work I had some hot tea with honey and an apple with peanut butter. Both the apple and the tea are good for the throat and vocal chords before singing... yeah, yeah... not so much the peanut butter.

I had every intention of coming home after church and cooking some dinner, but decided I wasn't hungry and Zumba-ed out some icky feelings. And trust me the sweat that was dripping was evidence that I worked it! (Makes me think of Regina Spektor's song Folding Chair - "I’ve got a perfect body cause my eyelashes catch my sweat" HA!)

I finished of the night with a cup of SleepyTime tea with honey, that ironically did not make me sleepy, and a little bit of trail mix!

Gotta love that post workout feeling!

2012-01-03T23:06:00.000-06:00

I honestly love that feeling after a workout when my muscles are throbbing. Then I know I didn't "phone it in," but I worked it! And I LOVE Zumba. I'm glad I can do it with the Wii in the comfort of my living room whenever I can fit it in. I'm sure going to the gym would be awesome, but I just don't have the time for that.

Okay, day two of this fast... I had coffee with vanilla almond milk, no sugar added peach applesauce, a banana, and an Italian salad and Tag Pic Pac with whole wheat pasta. I also drank LOTs of water, well over 100 ounces. I just had a cup of Sleepy Time Extra tea with some honey. I'll be sleeping like a baby before too long!

Bring on 2012!

2012-01-02T23:07:00.001-06:00

It’s the second day of 2012 and I’m staring at a half lit Christmas tree. I lack the motivation to take it down at the moment, thanks in part to a post vacation cough that I acquired. Actually most of my family was sick and I thought I had avoided it. But I suppose when an adorable 16 month old is
doling out kisses to everyone the spread of germs in inevitable.

Somehow despite being mostly miserable all day I found enough energy to get my Zumba on this evening… right here in my living room. I needed to burn some calories and I needed the surge of endorphins in my system.

With the holidays I was quite a blogging and journaling slacker. I haven’t journaled since November 20^th, and I have about three half written blogs in the hopper. That being said… journaling daily and blogging regularly are at the top of my goal list for 2012.

I will have plenty of food for my blog as I embark on more crafting adventures. I already have several I need to post about, and a list accumulating of things I want to make this year. The sewing machine I got for Christmas has widened the possibilities of things I can do, and I’m super excited.

I had goals for 2011, but my main goal was to survive the first year without my Mom. And at that I succeeded. Now, I am not disillusioned enough to think I won’t still have bad days and still miss her, but I made it through the first year. One of my top crafting projects this year will be to finally make a quilt out of some of her clothes that I kept.

2011 was also a year of exploring my cooking skills. I set out with a goal to make one new recipe a week. For various reasons I didn’t quite make my goal of one new recipe a week, but I did manage to try a lot of new things this year and in the process keep a few of my close friends happy and well fed. We’ve come to call our meals together “family dinners” and those definitely helped me through this last year.

I’ve decided this is my slogan for this year, “2011 was a year of making yummy food. 2012 will be a year of making me yummy!” This year I’m getting serious. I’ve increased my exercise over the last few years (though I’ve been slacking the last six months), but I never really got serious about changing my eating habits. However, now I am. I’ve always thought I wasn’t built right to be skinny, but about a month ago a switch flipped in my head and I realized… I can be skinny! I can eat stuff that is good for me and avoid the temptation of the junk. I can, once I’ve overcome the cravings, have something tasty without going overboard. I can work out on a daily basis whether I walk or do Zumba in my living room or anything else.

I’ll still be cooking, and having people over, but what I cook will be changing. I’ll be focusing on more healthy recipes, but they will still be yummy! Again… more food (pun intended) for my blog. I also plan to post my daily food journal as a level of accountability, and any special recipes I use.

Our church has called a fast for the first three weeks of the year. We’ve been taking communion for the last three months and this will be the three final weeks of communion. I have chosen to go on a Daniel Fast, which to me means I am fasting all meats and sweets, including breads. I’m allowing myself coffee (with Vanilla Almond Milk instead of creamer), whole wheat pasta and brown rice. Otherwise it will be LOTS of fruits, veggies, beans, and nuts for this girl!

Now I know it’s not customary to tell people you are fasting, but considering I’m making myself vulnerable and putting my daily food journal out there I figured I should explain why it will lack meat and breads for the first three weeks. After that I plan to stay low carb, low sugar, and high protein.

Alright, so all that said… today I had some vegetable fried rice at PF Changs for lunch. I realize it was made with white rice, but… sometimes you just do what you can. For dinner I had carrots and celery with hummus and peanut butter and some fruit and nut trail mix. I know I should have eaten more, but this cold makes food less than exciting.

Good bye and good riddance to 2011! Here’s to 2012! *clink*

Things I Love! Keeping a good attitude!

2011-11-17T17:00:00.004-06:00

This morning I posted a status on Facebook regarding my pet peeve of the misuse of “your” and “you’re.” It started me thinking about my sundry list of pet peeves and I almost started to make that list a blog. It would have been something like, “Kara’s Top 20 Pet Peeves.”

However, I decided such a negative list did two things - 1. It makes me look like a pessimist. 2. It completely counteracts my current mission of giving thanks for one thing everyday. Instead I have decided to make a list of 20 things I love. Let’s consider this my contribution to all of those who post “Things I Love Thursday.” (It is important to note that this is a list of THINGS - items, activities, etc. - not people.)

Here they are in no particular order:

1. Rain - I live in the Sunshine State, but I love rain!
2. The Beach - This is a fairly recent love as I used to hate having sand on me. I still hate it, but my love for the beauty of the beach overrides my disgust for sand being on me.
3. Coffee!
4. Music!
5. Hugs!
6. Exclamation Marks and Emoticons! :-)
7. Lunch and coffee dates with friends - They are the best way to break up the day.
8. Presents - I love all presents! Big, small... it matters not. It lets me know you were thinking about me.
9. Roses - I am that cheesy girl that loves roses, but not red ones or yellow ones. They are too generic.
10. Quality time doing nothing particularly special with my favorite people.
11. Facebook - It allows me to keep up with people, be a stalker without anyone knowing and express my thoughts and opinions to the world with just a few keystrokes.
12. Twitter - I love it for the same reasons I love Facebook. Even if I am occasionally accused of living my life in 140 character thoughts.
13. My Droid 2 - It keeps me connected at all times.
14. Fall and Winter - I love the changing of the leaves, the cooler weather, the clothes, the holidays that occur in those months. Love everything about it!
15. Snow - There was a collective groan as people read the “s” word. But I love snow. Always have. I feel kinda jipped if I go north during the winter and don’t get to see any. I also keep hoping and praying to see some here in Florida.
16. Chocolate Chip Cookies
17. Holiday Reese’s Cups - Pumpkins, Trees, Hearts... etc.
18. Italian and Mexican Food - not at the same time.
19. Chick Flicks
20. Pinterest - I’m addicted! What can I say?

What do you love?

Change...

2011-09-19T19:33:00.000-05:00

Today I went to work late thanks to the pestering headache I woke up with. Before going in I made a bank and Starbucks run. My favorite Barista was there, but did not even say hello (insert pouty face). I think that has something to do with the fact that there were lots of other employees there. And I think the general manager arrived as I was leaving. So Cute Barista (who really does have a name) may have been a little stressed... at least that’s what I’ll chalk it up to today.

Anyway, on the way back from Starbucks I had a thought. As I often do I was thinking about relationships, and I realized something... If you really love someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them you should accept them just as they are, with every flaw and blemish, with no desire or agenda to change them. You should ask yourself, “Will I still love this person, be able to choose loving them, if they are the exact same person 30 years from now? If they never change at all? Am I willing to live with all of their short comings of personality and habit until ‘death do us part?’” If you can’t answer that question with a doubtless yes, then you might want to reevaluate the relationship.

I completely believe in personal growth. I believe that if we aren’t growing and changing we are dieing. However, for some reason, in a totally random moment, I realized what I am looking for is someone to love me just the way I am. Someone who will love me with all of my inadequacies, extra pounds, moments of crazy, teenage-like blemishes, dramatics... the whole package that is me. Someone who doesn’t have an agenda to change me, but accepts me just as I am. Yet at the same time loves me enough to help me change when I’m ready. Someone that’s willing to walk through those messy times when God sticks His finger on a hidden place, a weak place in my heart and starts cleaning and shoring it up.

On one hand... I’m telling you we should all be picky when it comes to deciding to spend forever with someone. Don’t settle for someone with major issues or character flaws with the idea that you will change them. Unless someone is ready and willing to change it won’t work. It won’t stick. You will only end up resenting each other. Plus, I’ve heard those flaws that are annoying when you’re dating become magnified over and over when you get married!

On the other hand... I’m telling you to decide what things are “deal breakers” versus what aren’t and have grace. No one is perfect. No one will fit the perfect mold. No one will fit the sketch that we have drawn in our heads.

Not long after I pondered all of this in the car I saw the following retweeted by my sister, “The only three things a guy should want to change about a girl are her last name, her address, and her point of view on men.” From all I can tell this quote is attributed to a rapper, Kid Cudi, whom I know nothing about. (Don’t Google him, you’ll loose all respect for the quote. :) ) That’s all I want a guy to want to change about me. In return all I want to change about him is the fact that he sleeps alone at night, who cooks his meals, and what drawer his socks are in. ;-)

Flying with a Broken Wing

2011-09-13T19:31:00.000-05:00

Last Friday I got home and realized I had forgotten my song list at the office. Though I was annoyed at having to go back and get it, I was again grateful that my commute is all of 30 seconds. I pulled my car into the “loading zone” and left it running while I ran inside. As I ran in I glanced down and saw a butterfly flapping what I figured were its last flaps before it died. It looked to only have one wing. When I came back out of the office a few minutes later that same butterfly was flapping with all its might... and FLYING with what I could then see was one full wing and one broken wing. I wish I could have gotten a picture, but my phone was at the house. Even if I had had my phone, I doubt I would have been able to adequately capture its struggle to fly in a photo.

The image of that butterfly has come back to me over and over. I think the reason is I identify with the butterfly. I imagine that at some point that butterfly was perfectly beautiful with both wings intact. It flew effortlessly, flitting here and there with no challenges. However, it’s a butterfly, and a butterfly’s life is fragile. At some point its wing got damaged and it was grounded.

For the last nine months I have been like a butterfly with a broken wing. I had been slammed to the ground and picking myself up was anything, but easy. Just like the butterfly I’ve been determined to pick myself up off the ground. I flapped and fluttered. A few times I’ve slammed back against the ground, but eventually I got in the air.

When you have one broken wing you can’t fly like you used to. You have to make adjustments, find a new balance to keep you in the air. You have to pace yourself and accept that you can’t move as quickly or as gracefully as before. Your moves are erratic, sometimes even irrational, but in the end you get to where you need, want, to be. Sometimes it’s just down right painful.

In my pride I want to say everything is okay, I’m fine, I’m healed. But the fact of the matter is, I’m flying with a broken wing. The good news is, I’m still flying. I haven’t given up. I haven’t laid down and given in. I’m still flying. I’m trying things out and finding what I can accomplish and what I’m just not ready for.

Unlike the butterfly some day my wing will heal. I will be able to flit and flutter around even better than before. I’m injured, but I’m not permanently maimed. I will soar again. I will!

Dreams... Maybe I'm a little homesick...

2011-08-02T19:29:00.000-05:00

I’ve had two dreams in the last week about taking really really long drives to visit people for a very short amount of time.

In the first dream I was going to drive 16 hours to deliver something near WV and visit my sister and the rest of my family while I was at it. However, it was Monday and I knew I had to be back by Thursday so basically I would get to spend one day with my family and have to drive home.

This morning I had the second dream. In it I got up early, early, early on a Sunday morning and drove to Baton Rouge getting there as Gena and them were getting out of church. Her Mom and sister, Crysta, were there too. It was 9am when I got there (the must have gone to the early service) and I had to leave by 1pm to get home for something going on that night. I had four whole hours to spend there.

This morning as I thought about the fact that in both dreams I was willing to drive a long distance for a very short visit, I wondered if maybe I’m just a little homesick for my family and friends?

I’m headed to Baltimore in a little over a week and a half to see Liz and Pete. That will be a fun weekend. I just wish I a. had more money and b. had more time off to visit a few other people. I absolutely love LOVE my friends and “family” here, but I guess I’m just missing those people I don’t get to see as often.

Unity!

2011-07-25T19:27:00.000-05:00

Last week in staff meeting we were discussing unity. It’s been a hot topic amongst some here lately. I saw a picture as some of my co-workers talked and shared things God was showing them, but I didn’t share it. I’ve been pondering it, and waiting for the right words to describe what I was seeing.

I saw a massive rose bush next to a large piece of lattice work. As it grew along the lattice work branches grew in all different directions, not in parallel lines straight towards the top of the lattice work. Some of the branches intersected or came close to each other while others never touched. All the same, the plant was strengthened and beautified by the diversity of the branches that all drew their life from the base, the root source. Different parts of the lattice were covered in beautiful blooms because the branches grew in different directions instead of in a clump or in a uniform pattern. But then I remembered what the scripture says about the “little foxes,” and I began to notice gnaw marks near the base of the bush. The branches were getting severed from the base, from the life source, by these nagging foxes, and instead of a beautiful tapestry of a rose bush it was turning into a pile of sticks stuck to the lattice work.

So often people confuse unity and uniformity. Uniformity is the quality or state of being uniform. I grew up going to private school and we had to wear uniforms. Meaning we all looked the same. Uniform means having always the same form, manner, or degree : not varying or variable. Does that sound like the church? I believe the scriptures say we were all given different gifts, am I right?

Interestingly enough the word uniform does not appear in any of Miriam Webster’s definitions of the word unity. One of the definitions of unity is a condition of harmony. Now as a musically minded individual this word harmony stands out to me. If the definition were “a condition of unison” then I would be led to believe that in order to be in unity all of those participating must be exactly the same because when a choir is singing in unison they are singing the same notes at the same time. However, the word is harmony. A choir builds a harmony by different individuals singing different notes that complement each other and form one chord. They have one common goal - to produce a beautiful sound - but they accomplish that by singing different notes.

Another definition of unity is a totality of related parts : an entity that is a complex or systematic whole. It’s like a car. There is a group of related parts which are ALL DIFFERENT that are assembled in the right order and connected properly to make the car run. Their common goal is a moving car, but they each contribute to that goal in a different way.

We use the body as a similar analogy. We are made up of different pieces and parts that cause our body to function properly. However, each part has a different role and different things that are acceptable to their particular function in the body. Blood is supposed to pump through the heart. Blood is perfectly acceptable as long it is running through veins. The minute blood appears in any organ, other than the heart, outside of a vein there is a problem. If there is blood in your lungs, stomach, bowels, etc... they call it internal bleeding. It’s no longer healthy.
Unity is not, as I said before, the condition of unison or being identical. It is the state of harmony. It is taking our differences and using them together to make a beautiful noise, to be a beautiful flourishing bush that crisscrosses and branches out and covers the world in His beauty. It is using our different parts to move things along.

However, our differences make us susceptible to the little foxes. Judgement easily creeps in and we teeter on the fine line between righteousness and self-righteousness. We loose sight of the goal and start to point fingers, envy and knit pick our brother and sister because... their note is higher than ours. Or their branch grows to the east instead of to the west. Or they get a little dirty and worn because they, as the foot, have to walk on the ground but as the hand I stay clean and am washed frequently. We begin to resent each other. We begin to build walls against each other only resulting in isolating ourselves and in the process thwart the entire mission. We abandon the greater good and make it impossible for anyone else to accomplish it either.

When growing and grooming a rose bush you don’t cut off the branches that start to grow away from the lattice work. Instead you gently guide it back to the structure until it finds it’s place in the beautiful tapestry of branches and blooms. A choir director doesn’t arbitrarily decide that a note in a chord shouldn’t be sung because it is odd on it’s own. No, instead the choir director understands the vital role that “odd note” plays in the over all sound of the choir.

I believe unity is not having to see eye-to-eye on every situation, but it is finding common ground, a common life source - CHRIST - and agreeing to disagree about the things that don’t really matter. I’m not talking about ignoring that which the Bible blatantly and distinctly calls sin, but I am talking about letting each person walk out their own salvation with fear and trembling.

The Apostle Paul spent a great deal of time reprimanding the church at Corinth for their immaturity. He based their level of maturity on how free they were from jealousy and quarreling. Not on how well they followed the law, or the commandments, or how holy they were, or what level of the gifts they operated in, but essentially on their ability to agree to disagree. He also strongly cautioned them about getting caught up in judging each other and their leaders.

I said it before, but I believe it is worth saying again. There is a fine line between righteousness and self-righteousness. There is a fine line between discernment and judgement. We must guard our hearts. We must first examine OURSELVES! We must also learn what really matters and what doesn’t and agree to disagree on the things that really don’t matter.

We will be in unity when we can learn to see past ourselves and keep the greater good, the common goal, at the forefront of our hearts and minds. Allow God to be the gardener that prunes and redirects the bush, and accept that He may not choose to prune every branch the exact same way! Guard your heart against self-righteousness and judgement and see the beauty in our differences. Find freedom in the art of agreeing to disagree!

Sometimes the Simple Things We Say Mean the Most!

2011-06-30T19:26:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my team had a major project with a deadline of closing time. It’s something we had been working on for about a week, but my boss was putting on the pressure (understandably so) and we needed to get it done YESTERDAY! Fortunately I have an amazing media team and we managed to pull it all together in time, even though the last hour or so was very stressful.

I compared the final hours to the final moments of labor. When it comes down to it you just have to push until you birth the thing. We were all relieved when we were finished and could go home knowing that was checked off our list.

This morning I came into the office, and thanks to my lovely new spam free email address I only had about four emails in my inbox. Two were negative about something the other person felt was wrong. (Note I said felt... meaning myself and others don’t necessarily agree with the assessment and majority rules.) These emails left me a bit frustrated, but I just moved on to read the others. The third email was a benign work thing to take care of. The fourth turned out to be a defining moment in my day.

The fourth email was from a co-worker who took the time to praise me and my team for the work we had done on the project we just finished. She then proceeded to thank me for all I do for our offices and the church. This short, but very sweet email made all the frustration of the first two I read melt away. It was at that moment that I was reminded that it’s the simplest thing that we can say to people that often mean the most.

On my Mom’s birthday and I was talking with a friend about her and they looked at me and said, “I’m sorry your Mom died. That really sucks.” As simple as those words may seem to anyone else they meant the world to me.

It’s the simple things that we don’t say that are often the most impactful. The words of appreciation, care, concern and identification with another person’s situation often mean more than anything else we could think to say.

I find it ironic that though my main love language is words of affirmation I often forget how much they mean to me. It’s so easy to get caught up in our day to day lives, our deadlines, our schedules... always running... and forget to say the words that could mean so much. We even forget how much we need to hear those words because we are just too busy.

I must confess sometimes I don’t say the things I should or I would like to because I’m afraid of how the other person will react. Or even because I think it won’t matter as much to them as it would mean to me.

So here’s my challenge to you.... don’t be afraid to say what you’re feeling. (I’m now looking at myself in the mirror and giving myself this pep talk as well!) You never know how it could totally change someone’s day!

I want to be that Mom!

2011-06-28T19:24:00.000-05:00

Tonight as I was making my homemade pb&j toaster pastries I was reminded of one of my Mom's favorite stories from my childhood. One of my good friends, Lissi, lived across the street. One day i came home from playing at her house and said, "Mom, Lissi's Mom made french toast from scratch!"
Now french toast from scratch isn't that big of a deal unless you're talking about making the bread too. But considering my Mom didn't cook I was seriously impressed. (It's not that she couldn't cook... she chose not to.)

I said to myself, "My kids are going to think I'm so cool." I can already hear the other Moms calling and saying, "Um, my child says you made homemade pop tarts for their snack. Is that true?" Yep... I'm going to be that Mom and I'm going to love every moment of it!

Another Mom Dream

2011-06-22T19:22:00.000-05:00

This morning I had another dream about my Mom. It’s left me a bit weepy all morning and made me unusually late for work. It’s rather difficult to put on eye makeup when tears are streaming down your face. Good thing I have waterproof eye liner! And so thankful for understanding bosses and co-workers.

It was a mostly good dream. My Mom was at my house, sitting in my living room and I was telling her about all of the things going on in my life. I knew she wasn’t really alive, but I didn’t care, I was just glad she was there.

I was cleaning up the kitchen table and told her I had made a cake for her birthday. I described it to her, that it was her favorite, white cake with white icing and roses. She looked at me and said, “Like this?” And showed me a piece of the cake in a Tupperware container. I said, “Yes, just like that!” She put the container down and said, “I know! I was there. Thank you sweetie.” (I cried typing this part, and I cry every time I re-read it.)

About the time we started talking about the cake her husband appeared in the dream. He wasn’t talking to either of us. Just kinda doing his own thing.

After she told me that she was there on her birthday I started crying. I started to walk over and hug her and tell her how much I missed her, but he stepped in front of me. As I opened my mouth to speak so did he and said the same thing I said, but in a mocking tone, “I hate you!” At that I tried to gouge his eyes out with my thumbs. (Yes, I know... sometimes I get a little violent in my dreams.) With that I woke up.

I was sharing the dream with a friend and when I mentioned that he showed up she said he stole the moment with my Mom just like he had the last time I saw her. I definitely still have some issues that I need to work through and resolve as far as he is concerned. I need to forgive him for that terrible weekend in November, but I think it’s going to take a little more time.

It’s funny because I never once before they got married or while they were married felt as if he stole my Mom away like kids often do when their parents remarry. However, now I do feel like he stole the last bit of time I could have had with her. Or maybe he stole her all together by not making her go to the Dr. sooner.

100 Random Facts About Me

2011-05-26T19:21:00.000-05:00

100. Despite my attempt at having other favorite colors I always come back to pink. I suppose I’m just a girlie girl at heart!

99. I like peach flavored things - peach cobbler, peach candy, peach flavored drinks.

98. I love roses, but specifically I love unique colors of roses. Not a big fan of red roses though I wouldn’t turn them down if someone brought/sent me some.

97. I DO NOT have a green thumb... at all! My Dad does, but I did not inherit that trait. I firmly believe yard work is a man’s business!

96. I like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. Ha! Sorry, couldn’t help it. (Read likes to be cheesy! Though the statement is true.)

95. I still have a very large audio CD collection. I used to think that I would never cross over to the world of digital music, but now it just serves to feed my musical addiction! Especially since I can download stuff to my song while going down the road!

94. I like nuts, but not in things like cookies, brownies, etc.

93. When I was a kid I had a water bed with a mirror in the middle of the headboard. My Dad and StepMom would have to yell at me to stop looking at myself in the mirror and get up for school. (I can’t say I’ve totally grown out of the tendency to look at myself in a mirror, or other reflective surfaces, when I’m in public....)

92. My Mom used to call me her Petunia and even had a little song she sang.

91. My other nicknames include - Kara Gene Jellybean, Karakeet, Vera, Karamellow, Kara Bean, Kara Mia, KKoo, Karabear, Keira....

90. I still sleep with the baby blanket that my Grandmother gave me when I was born. I’ve stopped taking it with me when I travel because I’ve almost left it too many times.

89. I’m English, Irish, German, ⅛ French and a little bit Indian.

88. I love all things Jane Austen.

87. Unlike most of my friends, I WAS allowed to watch Smurfs as a kid. I however was not allowed to watch Heman or Sheera.

86. I like the flat bunny Peeps when they are stale. So I open them and let them sit at least overnight before I eat them.

85. I’ve always wanted to see a funnel cloud, but only if no one I know is in any danger.

84. I often have very literal dreams that eventually come true.

83. I’ve had multiple dreams about it snowing here in Florida... technically this dream has come true, but I haven’t seen it yet.

82. I hate squirrels. As far as I am concerned they are no better than rats with fluffy tails!

81. I have always wanted to swim with dolphins.

80. I never watched Dirty Dancing until a few years ago.

79. I’ll be about 48 when my youngest sister graduates High School.

78. I’m a little OCD about even numbers. I even chew evenly, alternating which side each bite is chewed on. Right then left, repeat as necessary.

77. My favorite features about myself are my eyes and my legs.

76. I never snuck out of the house, or snuck anyone in.

75. I was attacked by wasps when I was about 7 while swimming in my grandparent’s pool. Consequently... I HATE WASPS.

74. Whenever I see a bee I hear the line from Jerry McGuire “dogs and bees can smell fear” and try to act calm.

73. There is a constant running commentary in my head. If you think I say too much on Twitter/FB you should know you are only actually experiencing a small portion of what I’m really thinking and would like to say.

72. I’ve been known to pause too long while talking/telling a story. This is usually because I’m processing what I want to say next. As a result my stories, etc. often get interrupted. I’ve gotten to the point where I just stop saying whatever I was saying if I get interrupted and often only continue if asked.

71. For years I have said that I never snuck out of the house, but I realized something while in Dallas.... I never snuck out of my house... we did once or twice sneak out of Gena and Glenda’s houses. But as Gena pointed out to me... most of the time it was late night runs to Meijer’s.

70. I have lived in 14 different houses since I was born.

69. The longest I lived in one house was 7777 Quarry Cliff Court in Ohio.

68. I still have dreams about that house.

67. I’ve been too “ashamed” to admit this before, but... I have tried online dating and I HATED IT!

66. I am both an only child and an oldest child!

65. I “dated” my step-uncle when I was in grade school. Here’s the nutshell version: I liked a boy. My Dad started dating said boy’s older half-sister. My Dad married her. The boy and I were in the wedding together and he asked me to be his girlfriend at the rehearsal dinner.

64. This happened when I was 9. My crush on said boy began when I was 3.

63. If someone makes a comment about a song, or the song is associated with a particular event/individual I will always think of that when I hear the song.

62. I have a total of 7 piercings in my ears. My mother hated that I had so many.

61. I wear glasses at work. This throws off people that never see me at work wearing my glasses.

60. I used to hate the beach, now I LOVE IT! I can’t get enough of it. Not sure what happened to me.

59. I have always loved to fish (thanks to my childhood best friend’s dad) as long as I don’t have to do any of the slimy stuff. You know, like touch the bait or take the fish off of the hook. :)

58. My favorite Reese’s Peanut Butter treats are the specialty shaped ones - heart, tree, pumpkin, etc. There is more peanut butter and it tastes different.

57. I’m still an 8 year old at heart when it comes to cereal. My favorites are Cinnamon Life, Lucky Charms and Frosted Flakes.

56. I always chew gum when I sing. I know it’s against all rules of singing, but it keeps my mouth moist better than drinking water every three seconds.

55. While packing for a trip to WV with forecast highs in the upper 60s and lower 70s I discovered I only own 3 kinds of shoes - heels, sandals and boots.

54. I have a shoe addiction! (But I won’t tell you how many pairs I actually have.)

53. I blame my shoe addiction on the fact that my Mother and Grandmother opened a shoe store in our home town when I was in Jr. High. I had all of the beautiful high end shoes a girl could ever dream of... and yet not the age to really appreciate them.

52. Sometimes I wait for other people to initiate contact just to make sure the relationship isn’t one sided.

51. Words of affirmation and gifts are my love languages. And they don’t have to be big gifts... just something little that says you were thinking of me!

50. I really like hugs... REAL HUGS. I rather loathe side hugs. But …. if it’s someone that I don’t really want to hug then I would prefer a side hug if I can’t avoid a hug altogether.

49. I have some personal space issues, but usually once you are in my circle of trust those issues no longer apply. I guess you’ll know if you’re in the circle of trust by whether or not I back away if I feel you are too close.

48. I love being around people, but I don’t really like large groups of people. I prefer a small group where a conversation can be maintained by all of those present.

47. Loyalty is both my strongest asset and potentially one of my biggest weaknesses because I will often be loyal to the point of my own detriment.

46. If you’re not okay with moments of silence in a conversation then we probably won’t get along because I like to think before I speak... at least most of the time.

45. I snore. There I admitted it. I don’t think I quite equal a freight train, but I have been told that I don’t just “breathe heavily” as I had hoped was the case.

44. I’m 5’ 10” and I LOVE wearing 3” and 4” heels. What can I say? I like being tall!

43. My favorite foods are Italian and Mexican.

42. I don’t like confrontation... so I usually avoid it until the only option left is to confront. Usually at that point I’ve stuffed so many issues down that it’s more of an explosion. I’m working on this issue...

41. As much as I love text and IM there are points when I realize the information being exchanged would be much better suited to an email so as not to forget important details and tasks associated with the conversation or a live conversation (phone or in person) so as not to loose inflection and to provide better clarity.

40. I talk to my sister Elizabeth at least once a week, if not more.

39. After 18 years of only having 1 sister sometimes I forget that I have to clarify when referring to my sister.

38. I don’t like stock photos when there is the possibility of using “real” photos.

37. It bugs me when people don’t respond to text messages.

36. I love WV in the spring!

35. For some reason I always assume that male flight attendants are gay. I know that is a terrible stereotype, and I’m not really sure where it started, but I always assume that.

34. I think airport bathroom stall doors should open out. Have you ever tried rolling a carry-on into a stall where the door opens in and barely clears the toilet?

33. I’ve never used a push mower. My Mom wouldn’t let me because she said it was too dangerous.

32. I did mow at my Dad’s with a riding mower, before I had my license, and took out a small tree.

31. The whole thought of flying is weird to me. Especially the part where all sorts of people from different ways of life get in one giant metal contraption and put up with being squished together shoulders and hips touching.

30. I’ve always prayed for a cute, friendly, single guy to be in the seat next to me on a flight. It’s never happened.

29. I’m very weird about hand washed dishes. I don’t really like to use them, and I don’t really like to hand wash them.

28. My graduating class was 33. My sister’s was close to 500.

27. I hate taking more than one trip in from the car with groceries.

26. I like my fingernails and toenails to have matching polish so if I’m going to get a pedicure and a manicure I always take my own color, or buy the color I choose, so I can make touch ups later. Because inevitably... my fingernails will be demolished long before my toenails need touched up.

25. If I think there is even the slightest chance that something sat in the washer too long and will have the mildew smell I re-run the wash. I have a very low tolerance for the mildew smell.

24. I don’t really like instrumental music. I realize that is probably rather shallow of me, but I just prefer something I can sing along with.

23. I was born in Wheeling, WV and still consider it home even though I haven’t lived there since I was 12.

22. My first job was stuffing prayer clothes for a certain large ministry in Columbus, Ohio.

21. I started taking voice lessons when I was in 3rd grade.

20. Most of my life was funded by the lettuce processing business my grandfather had. Ironically... I don’t like lettuce in much other than a salad.

19. I want to be a stay an active stay at home Mom. I’ve waited this long for kids I can’t imagine not spending as much time as possible with them.

18. I love all things Jane Austen.

17. I like owls, sparrows and bare trees. You know in jewelry and decor stuff.

16. I saw New Kids on the Block in concert in 4th grade.

15. I wish I would have stuck with piano lessons as a kid.

14. I sucked my thumb as a kid.

13. Regarless of the thumbsucking I probably would have needed braces.

12. I LOVE roller coasters!

11. I’m really really nosey!

10. Loyalty is both one of my greatest strengths and at times my greatest weakness.

09. To paraphrase Mr. Darcy, my good opinion once lost will be very difficult to regain. But trust me, beforehand I will give you more than enough chances.

08. I have all of my wisdom teeth in my mouth.

07. I have eczema. It mainly flares up on my hands and arms.

06. I hate peas.

05. Corn on the cob is one of my favorite parts of summer.

04. I’ve lately been thinking how wonderful a redo button would be. Not on my whole life, but on pieces. You know, you could say something and if it went bad... redo!

03. I think Carson Daly is really cute.

02. I love Ranch dressing made with the packet, milk and mayo.

01. It took me over a month to think about 100 random things about me.

Bonus: (Of course I would think of more things after I finished the list.)

I’ve never played the lotto, not even a scratch off ticket.

My Grandmother used to slip me 20s to play the gambling machines and make me promise not to tell my Mom. (I was of age.)

I never did tell my Mom.

I was only a social coffee drinker until I started working at my current job. I started drinking coffee consistently to stay warm in the winter and got hooked!

I like chandelier silhouettes.

Thoughts on Prayer

2011-05-16T19:18:00.000-05:00

I have a confession to make. My whole life I have been embarrassed to pray in front of people. I can get up and lead worship, I can teach, I can do a lot of things that require speaking in front of people, but praying in front of people makes me panic a tad. I’ve always felt like I didn’t have the right words, or like people would think my prayers were too simple. I’m not really great at quoting chapter and verse, but I can usually get the gist of it. I feel like I missed the lesson on the powerful prayer formula.

I’ve often thought about this with a twinge of irritation towards my Mom and her husband. I mean, I grew up in a house with two “intercessors,” (if you know what happened with the StepMonster you understand why that’s in quotes), they spent HOURS a day in prayer, yet feel inadequate when it comes to praying in front of others.

Maybe it’s that I feel I communicate so much better on paper than I do in a verbal “spontaneous” manner. It’s why I like teaching, because I can plan everything I’m going to say ahead of time. However, if you ask me a “tough question” I’ll either need some time to think about my answer before sharing, or I’ll give some menial answer and later you’ll get an email from me... or a follow up conversation once I’ve had time to ponder it over.

Yesterday at church we were praying for prodigals to come home. I felt like I should go pray in the prodigal fathers, but I just couldn’t bring myself to step forward and do it. Why? Because I was afraid my prayers would not be charismatic enough, or long enough, or filled with the right words. Sad, I know. Stupid, I know. But it’s how I felt.

See, when I pray in my own quiet time and throughout the day I just talk to God. I ask Him questions and tell him things just like I would you, if you were sitting here with me right now. I don’t use fancy words. I just talk to my Father, my friend, my Savior. I say stuff like, “God I know if something or someone annoys me it’s because it’s pushing a button in my heart. Will you please show me the button and help me get over it?” And when He shows me the button I say, “Help me disable that button so it’s not an issue anymore. And remind me when those things start to make my blood boil why I feel the way I do.”

This morning Joyce Meyer’s Daily Devotional tweet was about the power of a simple prayer. “Lengthy prayers aren’t necessarily more effective. Discover how a few words will go a long way.” Before even reading the devotional I felt better. As she says, there’s nothing wrong with lengthy prayers, as long as they are sincere, but guess what... There’s also nothing wrong with my simple prayers.

What would I have prayed yesterday if I had overcome my issues and stepped forward? I think it would have gone a little bit like this, “Lord, as a daughter I pray that you draw back the prodigal fathers. Cause their hearts to be turned back to you and a desire rise in their hearts to take their rightful places in their families and in the church.”

What do your prayers sound like? Are you talking to a friend or some far away being?

Mom Dream 5.4.11

2011-05-04T19:16:00.000-05:00

WARNING: This may induce tears... or maybe I’m the only one that it made cry....

I didn’t sleep so well last night. I had a dream that my Mom was still alive. But it wasn’t a good dream.

She was at home and being taken care of by some lady. She had decided to have the phone turned off at the house and I had no way of getting in contact with her. I was talking to my Uncle on the phone and he said, “I’ve been thinking I might just need to go get her and bring her to my house.” I found out somehow that the woman that was taking care of her was planning to move her somewhere else. I was trying to get a hold of my Uncle to tell him when I woke up.

I was rather disoriented as I lay in bed trying to make sense of what I had just dreamed. Then I remembered she wasn’t alive anymore.

I’ve had several dreams about her, but none of them have been good. I’m either telling her about the awful morning her husband told me he had the hots for me and she takes his side, or we’re arguing about the fact that she’s sick and won’t go to the doctor, or I’m screaming at her husband to get out of their house, my house, some house and leave us the h*** alone. This, however, is the first time I’ve woken up thinking she was still alive.

Obviously all of my dreams are dealing with the fact that I feel like she abandoned me.

When I was a kid she went through a really tough time. She was dating this guy that she really loved and he broke up with her. Unfortunately despite the fact that he was a successful doctor he couldn’t bring himself to break up with her, himself, like an adult. He had his mother call her. Yes, grown man in his late 30s had his mother do his dirty work. My Mom was devastated. Years later as she was heading up a women’s Bible study at our house I was sitting on the stairs listening to them talk. I heard her tell the ladies that story. She said she was so depressed she just wanted to die, but she knew she had to keep going for me.

Fast forward 20 years from when he broke her heart, she’s sick and refusing to seek medical treatment, and I kept thinking... I was enough reason for her to live before. The last time I saw her I told her, “You can fight this. I need you to fight this.” But I wasn’t enough this time.

The truth is I’m mad at her. I’m hurt that she didn’t want to live, if not for herself than for me. I’m frustrated that all of this could have been prevented by one trip to the doctor’s office when she realized that she had a cough that never went away. And I miss her like crazy, every single day!

I used to get so annoyed when I visited her because she would hover over me while I was on the computer. She’d read Facebook over my shoulder and ask me all sorts of questions. I told her to stop hovering, I was an adult, not a teenager that needed to be monitored online. Now I’d give anything for her to stand behind me with her hands on my shoulders hovering. But I’d settle for a dream where I just got to hug her, or talk to her about all that has happened since she left.

Mother's Day Ads are Killing Me!

2011-04-26T19:14:00.000-05:00

Months ago my very smart and long time friend Gena decided that she and her husband wanted me with them for Mother’s Day. So we planned a crazy little trip that included me going to Baton Rouge and us driving to Dallas to celebrate my friend Crysta’s impending 30th birthday. (More on that trip at a later date.)

I’ve wondered for some time how I would feel on Mother’s Day. Would being away from home, with people that are very much family to me help me through it without any incident, or would it still be hard?

The other night I saw my very first Mother’s Day ad. It kinda blindsided me. I didn’t realize what the ad was for until the end. The story of the commercial was a Mother teaching her daughter to drive. At the end the Mom is waiting in the passenger seat and as her daughter gets in the driver seat she flips down the visor to check her makeup and a card falls out. I’m sure there is more to the commercial, but that’s all I remember because tears immediately began streaming down my face.

I never realized just how many commercials and other ads there are for Mother’s Day until they triggered tears. Now I can’t hardly open Firefox without being bombarded by images of flowers and cards that I won’t be buying.

As if Mother’s Day isn’t enough.... also coming up is a quick trip home to West Virginia. I’ve been communicating with my Step Grandmother about going with them to put my Mom’s ashes at my Great Grandmother’s grave. Only now am I finding myself with mixed emotions over the fact my Mom was cremated. At the time I was asked if I had moral or spiritual objections. Now it’s sinking in that IF I ever wanted to go “visit” her there’s not really a place. I understand why we did what we did. Everything happened so quick, she didn’t have any arrangements made. It was winter and there was nowhere to put her and no money to buy a plot. My one statement then was, “I don’t want her ashes.” I still don’t. I think it’s kinda creepy.

I think the other part of it is this.... Placing her ashes at my Great Grandmother’s grave will kinda be the final goodbye. Her memorial service was surreal. No casket, just a picture of her from the early 90s. (It is agreeably the best picture of her and how I still see her in my mind.) There’s some level of closure that comes from seeing the casket at the grave site that I think gets lots in cremation. Or maybe that’s just my own opinion because my Mom is the first person I’ve ever known to be cremated.

This morning I read a post from a Columbus friend. She said that tomorrow will be four years since her mother passed away. It made me happy to know that the same friend that will help me through Mother’s Day will be with her tomorrow. That made me cry too!

Relationship Reset Button

2011-04-14T19:12:00.000-05:00

Last night at church Pastor Jane was doing a recap of last week’s conference. I always enjoy those because despite the fact that I worked the conference I didn’t necessarily get to devote my undivided attention to what the speakers were saying. But this isn’t a blog about what happened at last week’s conference. It’s merely that a statement she made prompted a thought.. and that is the focus of this blog.

She mentioned how fortunate she and Pastor Tom are to have worked with the same leadership for such a long time. Some of them have been working together for 20 years. Over the years they have all grown and matured together and she said, “We have to remember to reset our view of each other so that we see them how God sees them.” It reminded me of something that I’ve heard Rebecca say, “Sometimes you have to hit the refresh button on relationships so you stay up to date.”

One of my Youth Pastors used to say, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” Now back in the day I thought that meant you shouldn’t get close or have personal relationships with leadership because your familiarity with them would damage the relationship. However, now I see it somewhat differently. I think being familiar with anyone can cause us to let down our standard of respect, but I also believe it can cause us to get stuck viewing that individual the same way even when they have changed. For instance I think this happens with parents and children. I know it happened with my Mom and me. It took her a long time to realize that I was an adult, perfectly capable of making my own decisions and that she could no longer tell me what to do. At some point she had to refresh her perspective of me and of our relationship.

It’s like being on CNN’s website checking out the latest news. If you open the site, read the headlines, but never refresh the page you’re going to miss some new information. For instance, if you had gone cnn.com the day of the Japan quake and tsunami and read that Hawaii and the West Coast were under tsunami warnings, but didn’t ever refresh and get an update you may have thought all sorts of things. You may have assumed Hawaii was gone and marked it off your bucket list, and you may have decided all the rumors of California someday falling into the sea had finally come true. However, by simply refreshing your browser you would have found the most recent news and known that Hawaii suffered minimal damage in comparison and that California merely had some high surf.

It also reminds me of an issue we sometimes have with our website here at the ministry. On the home page is a rotating banner. This banner and I are frenemies! Some days it is my BFF others it is the bane of my existence. There are cycles when I am updating it frequently adding new events or breaking news. It’s often these times that it decides to be temperamental. I’ll save you the technical details of the situation and just say this - inevitably at some point I will make a change, but despite refreshing my browser the change is not reflected on the homepage. After one VERY FRUSTRATING day of this experience I learned something. Sometimes refreshing the browser isn’t enough because it gets stuck on the old information. Instead I need to clear the cache!

People and relationships of all kinds are ever growing and changing. If you only take in the first piece of information and never refresh you will be disillusioned. At the same time, if you allow familiarity to set in without refreshing the browser, or clearing the cache, you may never recognize that change has taken place.

I can be as guilty of forgetting to refresh my relational browser as anyone else. But I’ve found when I do I’m usually pleasantly surprised to realize that who I thought someone was is not who they really are at all. I have been unpleasantly surprised to discover the opposite, or found that refreshing didn’t work because the person didn’t change, but for the most part I find myself pleasantly surprised.

There is an interesting flip side to this as well. While I’m mostly talking about the positive of hitting the refresh button, there is something else that can happen. Rather than refreshing and finding something new and exciting you may refresh to find that things are not what they used to be. One of the speakers at the conference last week warned against falling back into comfortable things. Sometimes we refuse to refresh and clear the cache because we don’t want to face the reality that things are not the same any more. The relationship has changed. The bond is shifting. The connection has shifted, or maybe it’s gone altogether.

An Update on Me

2011-04-13T19:11:00.000-05:00

Two weeks ago today I had a bit of a break down and scared quite a few of the people that care about me. I had reached what I call a point of “critical mass.”

I’ll spare you all the details of that dark evening, but I realized a few things after the fact.

1. I kinda have a right to be a little crazy right now. I mean, if you know me you know I’m not the type to play on it, or use it as an excuse, but really.... First my mother’s husband came on to me, then she passed away, then my Dad did what he always does. Top all of that with loneliness, financial issues and the normal stress of life and you have a recipe for a basket case! Good news is … I don’t like to be in a perpetual state of crazy so I’ll work through it and get through it little by little.

2. I’ve been living in a cycle of crisis mode since November. I just push through, push through, push through to take care of whatever is at hand and then deal with the emotional ramifications afterwards. Through the years I’ve seen this play out in different scenarios whether with me directly or with others. Let me give you an example of the crisis mode scenario - A friend or family member is in a car accident. When you get the call adrenaline immediately kicks in and you switch into “go mode.” You drop everything and go to where they are, or you go take care of something like pick up the kids, etc. Your emotions are kicked to the background and you do what you know needs to be done. Later on when you’re back home, on the couch breathing a sigh of relief it all hits you. That’s crisis mode, or at least the one I function in. After pushing through my birthday, determined to enjoy it regardless of the circumstances of my life, I stopped to breathe and it all hit me. (Which is not to in anyway diminish how wonderful a birthday/birthday week I had. It was amazing. If I haven’t said it enough... I’ll say it again... my friends are AMAZING!)

3. At some point I realized my emotions are a bit like the landscape of Japan. I’m hoping this is not an insensitive comparison to make, but sometimes I feel like my heart was hit by a giant tsunami. Somewhere amidst the rubble is me. Bowled over, covered up, beaten and a little bruised, but valiantly attempting to clean up and move on. Some days it just feels insurmountable. Others I see glimpses of normality. The reality is that the “clean up” is going to take a while. There’s no magic pill to take to make it all better and heal my broken heart. It’s going to take time. Unfortunately I have to keep reminding myself it’s going to take time. I have a lot LESS grace for myself through this process than others seem to have. Truth is, I’m grateful their grace, and God’s, is greater than mine...

4. I can cry about the silliest things! I was watching Kate Plus 8 the other night and she teared up while holding a Koala bear at the Australia Zoo. Silly really, but guess what.... I was crying too!

5. I want to talk about my Mom to help me remember her, but I don’t want to be “Debbie Downer.” More than just talk about her I almost need people to ask me about her, I want people to ask me about her to help me remember.

6. I’m not ready to sell her hairpieces. You say, “WHAT?” Yeah, my Mom started wearing a full on wig (I think she felt better calling it a hair piece.) when I was about 6. (Oh, she’s probably shaking her head in heaven right now that I’m saying this.) I took the 4 or 5 she had when I went through the house the day after her service. My first thought was to give them away, but I can’t find anyone that wants to take them for free. So I thought about trying to sell them. I don’t really need my Mom’s hair sitting around in my storage room for the next 50 years. However, I pulled them out the other night to assess their condition and get them ready to put them on eBay. When I opened the container they were in I smelled my Mom. Suddenly I felt like I was about to sell a piece of her. So, back in the container they went and back to the pile I pulled them from. I might have to assign this task to someone else. I really don’t want to keep them, but I also can’t bring myself to personally sell them to the highest bidder. It seems like it wouldn’t “hurt” as bad if someone took them out of my house and later money mysteriously appeared in my bank account.

I miss my Mom like CRAZY! I miss being able to call her and talk about nothing or everything. She was one of my best friends. Whenever we would get off of the phone she always said, “Thanks for calling me on the telephone!”

I regret the months that I let go by without calling her as much because I was mad at her. I was mad she wouldn’t go to the doctor. I wish I would have known then how fleeting our time “together” was. But hindsight is always 20/20.

This weekend I’ll help with my first wedding since she passed away. Over the summer after I had found out she was sick I was working a wedding and watching as the Bride and her Mother had several special moments before the big day. I remember wondering then if I would ever get to have those moments with my Mom. It took everything in me to keep it together. Fortunately Robyn and I had things to do so we quickly left before anyone, even Robyn, knew that I was on the verge of a meltdown.

I’m grateful that this weekend is Charity’s wedding, a CI wedding, with people that love me and know me and will understand if I have a moment or two. I know Robyn would understand, cause she’s awesome like that, but I would hate to have a meltdown on her! It might disrupt my rockstar assistant standing. ;-) This way I can face it in the comfort of my “home” and there will be one less first on my list....

My Wish List - A little birthday silliness!

2011-03-19T19:09:00.000-05:00

As my Birthday approaches - one week from today - I find myself thinking of things I would appreciate receiving for my birthday. Not that I actually anticipate, or expect anyone to buy these things... but I was just thinking about stuff I want/need.

Running Shoes - I’ve owned mine for quite a long time and they are certainly over their suggested mileage.

Rice Cooker - I’m terrible at cooking rice... of all the things I’m good at... I suck at the simple thing.

Food Processor - Oh the things I could make!

Travel Mugs - 16oz or Larger - I love my travel mugs.

A Date - Ha!

Mani/Pedi - It’s that time of year.

Forgiveness... Is more than saying sorry...

2011-03-02T19:06:00.000-06:00

Two simple words.... three if you’re too good for contractions or you’re trying to really make a point. I’M SORRY! Why are those words so difficult for people to utter? It’s so much easier to say, “I’m sorry,” than it is to give a whole bunch of excuses.

A friend and I were recently encouraging each other through a week that seemed to bombard us with situations of disappointment and opportunity for offense. Each of our situations seemed laden with excuses and avoidance of responsibility (by the offender of course... not by us ;) ) but completely lacked words that would have made us feel better about the situation. I’m sorry. Simple words that can mean so much, of course as long as you feel the individual is being sincere.

Loyalty is a big thing to me, so when someone says they are going to do something with or for me and then they don’t, my feelings can get a little hurt. I’m a fairly forgiving person though, and I get over it. In a situation like this “I’m sorry” goes a LONG way. Much longer than making excuses. Excuses are like salt in the wound of disappointment. Whereas a sincere apology is like a butterfly bandage for the soul. It closes the wound and protects it from infection.

Several times I have tried to drive home the importance of a sincere apology, or repentance, with the Jr. High kids at church. A sincere apology is like repentance. Repentance is turning from your ways, not just saying you’re sorry, but it starts with being sorry. You can’t have repentance without being remorseful, sorrowful, aware of your wrong doing. But you can be sorry without repentance. The difference is a sincere apology versus an insincere one.

I know when the Jr. High kids are truly sorry, repentant, about their behavior. It shows in their face, it’s expressed through their words and it’s carried out in their actions. It’s about personal responsibility. It’s about admitting wrong or neglect, putting aside your victim mentality and entitlement and owning up to your actions. Sometimes we need to apologize about things that we’ve done consciously and other times unconsciously. It’s like sins of commission and omission.

The Bible encourages us to forgive 70 times seven and it doesn’t say, “But only if the offender says they are sorry.” We are instructed to forgive regardless, however, a sincere apology speeds up the process of forgiveness exponentially. The Bible also says that we shouldn’t be a stumbling block to our brother (or sister). Can your lack of an apology be a stumbling block to one of your siblings in Christ? Hmmmm.....

I’m as guilty as anyone else of getting defensive anytime I’m confronted with what someone considers a wrong I’ve committed against them. But the more I value receiving an apology, the more willing I am to lay my own embarrassment and pride aside and offer a sincere apology. We reap what we sow, right? So if I want to receive sincere excuse free apologies I need to offer them.

Lay down your pride, your excuses, your victim mentality, your entitlement, whatever keeps you from being able to utter those simple words, and turn from your behavior. You will feel better! The other person will feel better! This is the way you “win friends and influence people.” This is the honey that attracts bees!

Cry Baby... or not...

2011-02-17T19:04:00.000-06:00

Please tell me I’m not the only person that can be provoked to deep thought by one conversation, or even sometimes one comment. Surely I’m not the only person that this is true for.

Well that being said a comment was made to me last week that had me thinking. A friend asked if I ever cry. I had just mentioned my Mom, but unsure as to the reference of the question I responded, “In general or about my Mom?” Apparently this friend was not satisfied by the fact that they haven’t seen me cry about my Mom.

The interesting fact is … I don’t cry much. I actually did not cry at the memorial service. I determined to keep it together because I knew if I cried I wouldn’t be able to sing. My uncle almost foiled this plan, though he knew nothing of it, when he got up to read a scripture. Something about men crying does me in every time! However, when my Mother’s husband did his little sobbing stint I was less than amused. I actually turned around, made eye contact with Candice and rolled my eyes. (This only makes sense if you understand the whole story of what happened... Click Here to read it.)

Have I cried over my Mom’s death? The answer is yes. I sobbed when I found out. I’ve definitely had moments of sobbing since. They just occur when I’m alone, and usually at night.

Remember my blog about being the girl that was always teased and picked on? Well, I was also a cry baby. So when I got picked on, I cried. Do you know what happens if you cry when picked on? You get picked on more! At some point I realized I had to have tough skin and couldn’t cry anymore.

Stifling emotions is never healthy... at some point many years later I discovered some tears are healthy. I always hated when there was a really great worship service or altar call and everyone was crying, but me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t moved, but I just didn’t cry. On the other hand if I was angry and needed to try and confront someone I would cry. Rather counter productive.

Also, in regards to my Mom... I think about her all the time. I miss her like crazy, but I don’t want to be “Debbie Downer.” I know my friends love me and would lend a shoulder to cry on even at dinner or a movie if I needed it, but I need those times to “escape” and usually don’t want to cry at that point.

So what has triggered tears?

When I found the recording on my phone of my Mom wishing me a Happy Birthday.
Reading her prayer journal.
Finding my name written next to a scripture in her Bible.
Remembering the last conversation I had on the phone with her.
Thinking about all the times I prayed that God wouldn’t take my Mom until I had a husband to take care of me.

Today it has been two months. It feels so much longer than that and yet like yesterday at the same time.

Ghosts of Valentine’s Days Past

2011-02-14T18:59:00.000-06:00

I don’t have a whole lot of really great Valentine’s Day memories. My long stint of singleness hasn’t helped that scenario either. But I loathe it a little less every year, and this year I really don’t loathe it at all. I think I have some sick satisfaction in the fact that V.D. falls on a Monday this year. It is therefore, tainted! It can’t be perfectly happy and lovely because... IT’S MONDAY! Though I personally don’t hold any permanent/long standing ill will against Mondays, I know most people do. And... that is enough to make me not feel quite so bad about the fact that I’ll spend my Valentine’s Evening on the couch with Beaux... eating leftovers and Girl Scout cookies.

I was reminiscing this morning about Valentine’s Days past. Being that I was an only child my Mom always did holidays big - Christmas, Valentine’s Day, my Birthday, Easter - she was good at them! Even once I moved to Florida she would send me care packages to brighten my day. When money got tighter this stopped, but I have to say that is one thing I will definitely miss. She would send Reese’s peanut butter hearts and other yummies.

I remember the Valentine’s Day that we lived in Boca Raton, FL. It would have been 1991. Oh, my word it was 20 years ago. Suddenly I feel ancient! Okay, anyway. I came downstairs before school and there was a whole array of Valentine’s fun on the counter for me. There was candy and a pink camera (that took 110 film btw) and other fun stuff. She was always a really good gift giver!

Even though on several Valentine’s Days I had a boyfriend they didn’t go to school with me. Which usually made for a bittersweet V.D. Especially considering every year there was this carnation fund raiser at school. You could purchase a carnation and it would be delivered, usually during class, on V.D. There were white ones for friends, pink ones for secret admirers and red ones for love. It would have been very simple for my boyfriends (There were only two... and not at the same time.) to give a friend of mine some money to purchase me a carnation, but this apparently never crossed their minds. I received very few carnations as a result, and the ones I did get were of course from my girl friends. Not all together terrible, but I suppose that’s what I got for dating older guys that didn’t go to my school!

So, yes, I had the knack for snagging an older boy... or at least I did, twice... anyway, one V.D. I decided I was going to bake my special someone some cookies. Now I wasn’t quite the Betty Crocker that I am now, but I managed to roll out some pre-made dough, cut out hearts, bake them without burning them and ice them. I packaged them all up with a card and delivered them. I don’t remember how I delivered them, but what I do remember is the next occurrence in the timeline of this story. Whether it was the same day, or a few days later, we were at church and my BF’s roommate came up to me and said, “Those cookies were really good.” (Okay, sweet of him to share.) “They were much better than the fudge the other girl made him.” My mouth dropped open. “Fudge? What fudge?” Little did I know before I delivered the cookies my boyfriend had already received fudge FROM ANOTHER GIRL! Did he tell me? NO! I felt ridiculous. Had I known some other girl had already given him fudge I would have done something more. I mean, I was dating a starving college student and we all know food is the way to a man’s heart. But had I known SOME OTHER GIRL had already given him food I would have stepped up my game. It was not the end of our relationship, but let me just tell you he never lived that down. (And obviously still hasn’t since it has surfaced in this blog!)

I’ve never been on a romantic Valentine’s date or anything like that. For years I called it Crapentine’s Day. I even attempted to remove Febreuary 14th from my life all together by having the 13th, 13.5, and then the 15th. I swore that even if I was in a relationship I would hate VD because “if my man loved me he wouldn’t need a special day to buy me presents and take me to dinner.” While I still believe you shouldn’t need a special day to do those things I’ve changed my tune a bit. I look forward to the day when I get to have plans with my tall, good looking honey. (If anyone mentions the creeper at church you will suffer the consequences of such actions!) Whether it’s out at a nice restaurant or dinner at home and a movie on the couch... it will be nice to some day spend VD with someone special. And if someone special should decide to add to the day by purchasing me something sparkly (and rather expensive) from Tiffany’s I won’t fault him for that. ;-) (Ironically Material Girl is playing on Pandora right now.)

That’s my little trip down Valentine’s Day memory lane for you! Whether it’s Valentine’s Day, Crapentine’s Day, Single Awareness Day or just plain old Monday, I hope you have a happy day!

Side Note: There’s this thing going around Facebook “To celebrate Valentine's Day, change your profile pic to you and your sweetie and make sure you tell how long you have been together!” I’ve been tempted to put up a picture of Beaux and I! Ha!

Putting Out a Fleece

2010-11-03T18:57:00.000-05:00

Gideon was basically a nobody. He was self proclaimed least in his tribe, which was the weakest of all Israel. Yet one day he received a word from the Lord that he was a mighty warrior and he would be used to bring down the Midianites that had tormented Israel for years. He didn’t receive this as a proclamation from a prophet in front of the entire people if Israel, or even in front of the leaders. Instead he received this word from an angel sitting under a tree. He was all by himself. No one was there to encourage or support him. He had to choose to believe what God was saying for himself. As I’m sure many of us do when we receive a word from the Lord, he doubted.

So what did he do? He put out a fleece... a literal wool fleece, and asked God to confirm His word by causing dew to fall on the fleece but not on the ground. He got up early the next morning, wrung out the fleece and found God had answered his request. However, he still wasn’t quite convinced, so he begged God not to be angry with him and again laid out the fleece. The second time he asked that the fleece remain dry and the ground all around it be covered in dew. The next morning he found that God had again confirmed His word. He was called a mighty warrior and Israel would be delivered from the hands of the Midianites (and the other Ites that had joined forces with them) by his hand.

I have definitely been known to put out a fleece or two in my life. Sometimes I even start to and then stop myself. I think I get afraid of what might happen. Recently though I put out a few fleeces and was honestly surprised when God confirmed what I felt He was speaking to me.

It was a Friday a month or so ago, David Fang was out of town so I was covering CBN broadcast directing duties that night. It was also a busy day at the office. I had the bulletin to finish and some other stuff. It also happened to be a rainy day. I had to walk to the print shop and as I did we were having a spout of liquid sunshine. That’s what we call it when the sun is shining brightly, but it’s raining. This is usually the perfect situation for a rainbow since a rainbow is caused by the light refracting off of the water molecules. As I walked up the ramp to the print shop, umbrella in hand, I muttered a half-hearted fleece to the Lord. “Lord, if you are working things out in ‘this’ situation and you want me to just continue to hold on and trust you, let me see a rainbow.”

It’s important to point out that in the months prior there had been multiple rainbows sighted over our church campus. I, unfortunately, had not seen a single one. I was honestly rather irritated by that because I love rainbows. I mean they are a sign and reminder of God’s promises, and I really needed to know He remembered what He had promised me. So I was probably a bit doubtful that I would actually see a rainbow on this particular day.

Anyway, back to the story.... I was so busy that I basically forgot the fleece by the time I left the print shop a few minutes later. I went over to the church and got everything set up for the broadcast. It was an hour or so later and I really needed to let the dog out. He wasn’t going to make it until after the broadcast and I determined I had about ten minutes to run over to the house and get back before I needed to start the pre-broadcast streaming. Ten minutes was plenty of time so I grabbed my keys and took off towards the parking lot. As I walked out the side foyer doors I glanced across the highway towards my office and my house and what did I see? A rainbow. Faint and fading, but it was there. I was so shocked I blurted out. Oh my gosh there’s a rainbow. One of our students/members of the worship team was coming in to the building and she said, “That’s mine!” I said, “No, no, that’s mine!”

I ran across the street to let Beaux out, didn’t even turn the car off, and pondered briefly that God had confirmed and answered my fleece. I didn’t really have time to dwell on it though because I had a broadcast to direct.

When I got home that night I had a chance to think about what had transpired. I apparently am a lot like Gideon because I wasn’t ready to put all of my faith in one personal word that I received from the Lord and one confirming fleece. So as I lay in bed that night I said, “Okay God, if this is really what you are saying let me dream about ‘such in such’ tonight and remember it.” Now some people may argue that thinking about something before going to bed causes you to dream about it. But from my own experience I can tell you that’s not always how it happens. Plenty of times I’ve wanted to dream about something and went to bed thinking about it and didn’t dream about it. And on the reverse have gone to bed not thinking about a certain situation and ended up dreaming about it.

With that I went to sleep thinking about something else. In the middle of the night I had a dream, a good dream, and at the end of it I woke up. Wide awake! I said out loud, “I just dreamed about ‘such in such’!” I was in shock. God had confirmed it again. It was all I could do to go back to sleep. Though I was determined to do so because I wanted to sleep in!

Just like Gideon, it’s not as if everything changed and I was full of faith the next morning. There were, and are, still obstacles to overcome. And God’s timing to walk in.

As if Gideon wasn’t having a rough enough time, God pushed it a little farther. You know... He knows what we can handle! He started paring down Gideon’s army. First he instructed Gideon to send any of the fearful men home. Then there were still too many so God told Gideon to have the men drink water from either a spring or a river (whatever it was). He told Gideon to separate those who lapped up the water like dogs from those who knelt down to drink. 300 lapped up the water like dogs and those were the ones God told Gideon to keep to fight with him.

If I were Gideon my conversation with God probably would have gone something like this:
Me: 300 men? Seriously God? I mean... have you seen the Ites we have to face?
God: (cricket noises)
Me: The fleece, oh yeah... the fleece. Well.... here we go!

Gideon and his 300 men were victorious against all of the enemy armies. They plundered and even took back spoils to those that had been instructed to remain behind. God said it, confirmed it even though He didn’t have to, and Gideon saw that God’s word was true.

It feels like the days and weeks since my fleece experience have been “the best of times and the worst of times.” There have been some seriously challenging moments and some seriously rewarding/encouraging moments. What even got me thinking of all of this again this morning was my impatience, and my questioning of what is happening/going to happen. God reminded me of how I felt when I saw the rainbow and woke up from the dream. He reminded me that He’s working it all out for my good. It’s hard when you’ve experienced a lot of disappointment in life to stay hopeful when you can’t always see how things are going to work out. But I know He’s working... so I hold on to the fact that He was merciful enough to confirm the word/desire He placed in my heart.

So tell me, what kind of fleeces have you put out? How did it happen? Has that promise come to pass?

I don't have walls, I have a median...

2010-08-31T18:54:00.000-05:00

I’m in Baton Rouge this week with Team Bohl, six of my favorite people! The thing about seven people being in a three bed room house is that someone is going to have to share a bed. Being that I am the only single adult in the house that leaves me sharing a bed with a kid. I’ve been sleeping in London’s room and mostly sharing the bed with her. Now I’ve been on many a youth trip and shared many a bed with other girls. If there is one thing there is an unspoken rule that you should not touch the person you are sharing the bed with. Not only should you not touch them, you should not cross the invisible median in the middle of the bed. This invisible median assures you won’t accidentally touch each other in the night. Well if you’ve ever shared a bed with a child, particularly one under the age of 10, you know they have yet to learn the rules of bed sharing.
Not only do they cross the median, but they seem to have this innate ability to know exactly when you get into bed and roll towards you. The first night I climbed into London’s bed she rolled right over and grabbed my arm. I know she was asleep. She had been for several hours. Last night after several nights of attempting to maintain my personal space in the bed I decided to give up. She obviously wasn’t worried about it, and proved it by rolling over until we were laying side-by-side, so why should I be?

Something about this simple child tendency spoke volumes to me. How often do we move around each other, and try not to touch or bump into each other? I don’t even mean literally. I mean figuratively.

Then as I lay in bed unable to sleep I started thinking about medians in the road. The random thought came to mind, “Sometimes when you try to cross the median you get stuck in the mud.” Have you ever tried to talk to someone across a median? Or even a yard? Heck I can’t hardly have a conversation with someone in a store if they are walking in front of me. Let alone across 50 feet of grass.

The interesting thing about a grassy median is that you can actually cross it. There are no walls stopping you from driving across. You can see the oncoming traffic and could be exposed to any driving mistakes that are made. But ultimately, though there are no walls, you are mostly protected from close contact with the drivers and vehicles headed the other direction. However, though you can cross a median sometimes it’s tricky. If it has rained a lot or there isn’t proper drainage you could get stuck in the mud.

Some people don't have walls, but they do have medians between them and others. They can see the other person, they pass each other by but if they try to cross over they get stuck in the mud.

I can definitely say there are some relationships that I feel stuck in the mud, or I feel there is a median between me and the other person. I’m open to them being in my life, I’m not trying to keep them out or hide away from them. I do, however, dance around them, trying to keep them at a distance where they won’t bump into me, get on me or crash into me. There were once walls between us, but no more. Now though, I find it hard to cross the median created. What if it’s soggy and I get stuck.

If a highway median gets soggy because of lots of rain or improper drainage, what makes a relationship median soggy? Unresolved/unconfronted issues. Unaddressed miscommunication. Crossing medians can also be made difficult by tall grass, weeds and brush that has been allowed to grow in the deepest parts. Unmaintained relationship medians are equally as difficult to cross!

As I was writing this I thought, “Getting stuck in the middle might not be so bad if both people were stuck in the middle.” Healthy relationships, of all kinds, are a two way street.

I love this median analogy, but I’ve had a hard time really committing to it because a median implies that the people on either side are going different directions. It’s obviously been a few days since I started this blog. I’m home from the Bohl residence and was driving to Candice K’s office this morning when I had another epiphany. ACCESS ROADS!

With an access road you are heading in the same direction as the people to your right, however, you can’t get to them because you’re on the main road and they’re on the access road and there’s a median in between. You have to wait for an intersection or an “exit” in order to access the access road and all of the businesses, neighborhoods, etc. that are adjacent to it.

Let me just say I really don’t like access roads. It’s inevitable that I will be on the main road and want to get to something on the side of the road but I can’t because I have to figure out how to get on the access road. I don’t like being able to see somewhere I want to be, but not being able to get there..... Oh that could be a blog of it’s own....

I think there are access road median relationships and interstate/highway median relationships in life. Sometimes we’re headed in the same direction, but we just can’t figure out how to get from where we are across the barriers so that we’re not just traveling in the same direction, but we’re traveling together. Other times we really are headed in opposite directions. In that case sometimes it’s better just to let things be, while other times we find that we need to make a course adjustment, get to the other side and travel together in the same direction.

Navigating either situation is difficult. How do you know when it’s safe to switch over? Do you brave the median and hope it’s not so soggy you get stuck, or do you wait until there’s an opening, or an exit?

A soggy median will only “dry out” when the sun comes out and will only stay dry as long as the proper drainage is in place. Allow God’s light to shine on the soggy medians that are keeping you from entering into relationships no matter what kind they are. And ask God to help you install the proper drainage so that the median can’t get soggy again. Don’t allow hurt, offense, lies and other things soak the median so that it’s not safe to traverse! Don’t get stuck spinning out in the median of life. Kick it in 4-wheel drive and get to the other side!

Disappointment

2010-08-06T18:52:00.000-05:00

Is there ever a point when it’s okay to be disappointed? I ask myself this question as I fight feeling disappointed. Part of me says my pending disappointment is irrational because I should have expected it. There was that small voice in the back of my head that said, “Don’t get your hopes up.” Why did that still small voice say that? Was it God warning me against impending doom or because lack of follow through by others, or at least one person, has been a common theme in my life for 30 years?

I just had an “AH HA” moment... Disappointment is the “easy button” of my life. Something happens and the enemy hits it and the words resound “that was easy.” In a second I’m there. I’m disappointed. I’m reliving all of the other times I was disappointed, comparing the perpetrator to all of the previous offenders and I’m fighting my way out out of bitterness, hopelessness and hurt all over again.

In an attempt to rid the “easy button” from my life I’ve built an expectation that people will not follow through. You would think that would eliminate the disappointment factor, but instead it exacerbates it. And ultimately it causes my heart to be hardened towards those that have ever disappointed me.

Loyalty and integrity are important to me. (You know this if you’ve ever read my blog before.) And lack of follow through is contrary to those values which I hold so dear, which is why disappointment is an “easy button” in my life. So, the question is, how do I shut down disappointment’s power in my life? How do I remove it’s “easy button” effect? I can’t live my life expecting people not to follow through. And I can’t expect to never be disappointed again. I mean, we’re people and as long as there are people there will be let downs.

So, what do I do? How do I deal with these disappointments, or seeming disappointments, and move on without becoming calloused? I guess it’s like asking, how do you guard your heart without putting up walls? It’s a balancing act!

I suppose as with so many things that forgiveness is the first step. Maybe the second step is getting past my hurt and believing that the person had the best intentions. That reminds me of something my boss once told all of the managers. He said he always believes that people meant well and maintains that position until they do something to blatantly prove that to be false. He certainly has a lot more grace and mercy for people than I do, but I am so grateful that he does. I’ve needed his belief in my good intentions once or twice.

Now that I’ve recognized that disappointment is an “easy button” in my life I can focus on making it’s power over my life less effective and therefore removing it’s “easiness.” It is inevitable that in my life someone, probably multiple people, will disappoint me again, but I don’t have to let that disappointment make me bitter, offended wounded. I can take it for what it is, a human mistake, and believe for the best the next time around!

Maybe you disappointment doesn’t affect you like it does me. Maybe your “easy button” is something else. Whatever your “easy button” is ask God to show you so that you can break it’s power over your life. Don’t allow the enemy to have any place in your life where he can say, “That was easy!”

Three Little Words

2010-07-26T18:49:00.000-05:00

I spent this past Sunday afternoon with two of my girls, Ashley and Rebecca. While we were out and about having a fabulous girlie time Ashley felt the need to tell us how much she loves us and appreciates us and our friendship. It was such a wonderful moment and throughout the day we each kept saying, “Aw, I love you guys!”

Later I was thinking about how infrequently we really let people know how much we appreciate them. I was reminded of the show The Hills. When Rebecca moved in she got me semi-hooked and we watched the last two seasons together. Now that summer has rolled around and there is very little on TV I decided to go back and watch the beginning of the show on Netflix to see how things started and see the history behind everything that was currently happening. (I know a few of you are rolling your eyes at me at the moment, but I promise I learned something from this pseudo-reality show.) One thing that struck me was the fact that Lauren Conrad rarely got off the phone with a friend that she didn’t tell them she loved them. I remember thinking to myself, “Huh, she always tells her friends she loves them. I don’t do that.”

Now I grew up in a family where we always end phone calls with I love you. Goodbyes always have I love you incorporated. This was just ingrained in me. I guess I’m always thinking, “If for some reason this is the last conversation I have with this person, will they remember that I loved them?” However this hasn’t really translated into all of my relationships. I always try to end conversations with the girls I grew up with with “I love you” but it seems to allude me when it comes to the people I see every day.

Even as I ponder this I’m reminded of the Garth Brooks song “If Tomorrow Never Comes.” He’s singing about his wife and he says, “If tomorrow never comes, will she know how much I loved her. Did I try in every way, to show her every day, that she’s my only one? If my time on earth were through and she must face this world without me, would the love I gave her in the past be enough to last if tomorrow never comes?”

Do the people in your life know how much they mean to you? Do you make it a point to let them know you appreciate them or that you are glad they are in your life? Do you tell your friends that you love them? On a regular basis? Or does it weird you out?

You know the Bible says to greet each other with a holy kiss. Now I’m not implying we should all start kissing each other, actually I’m rather opposed to that notion, but I am proposing that we step up our verbal appreciation of each other. Hugs are great, but even hugs can be deceiving. Actions do speak louder than words, but they do not make words obsolete!

Put your words to good use! Spread the love! Create an atmosphere of appreciation! Make sure those that are important to you won’t have to doubt how you felt about them should tomorrow never come!

Bury the Hatchet

2010-06-26T18:12:00.000-05:00

There's an interesting phenomenon in life – hurt and offense. There is a good amount of time dedicated to these topics in the scriptures and basically how to guard your heart and get over it! We are not permitted to hold grudges and offenses. We are commanded to forgive, let go, move on....

Yet it seems among church people that these are the hardest issues to overcome. Its no surprise really, I mean if we're all hurt and offended then we aren't in unity. And if we're not in unity we can't accomplish the mission we are called to as a body.

However, have you ever noticed that two different people can commit the same offense against you and one instance you won't ever think twice about and yet the other will mortally wound you? I've not only experienced, but marveled at the phenomenon in others lives. What makes one person's offense more impact full than the other?

I've thought about this long and hard, and often times discussed it with one of my favorite sounding boards, Rebecca. My conclusion is this.... You can only be hurt by someone you care about or have some sort of investment in. Or if the offense caused by someone you don't care about effected the relationship with someone you do care about.

When I think about the fact that in my life I have had plenty of opportunities to be hurt and offended I realize that it's because I have cared about so many people. I guess others don't always realize this if they are outside my circle of trust, but I care very deeply for people. I don't always express it for whatever reason, but I do.

When I find myself particularly hurt by something seemingly silly that someone has done, or can't seem to let go of something, I try to stop and look at the situation. Why am I upset by this? Why can't I let go? Has the situation pushed a button in me? Or am I hurt because I care about the person?

I don’t really have a lot to say on this subject because I feel it’s rather self-explanatory. But here’s my challenge for you.... If you find yourself sneering whenever a certain individual’s name is mentioned, nit picking their every move, still hurt by something they did - take a minute, pray and ask God why this is still such an issue for you. Ask Him why you haven’t been able to let it go or forgive that person. Then do whatever you can to make it right! You will be glad you did, and you’ll be contributing to the unity of the Body of Christ!

Integrity

2010-06-15T18:11:00.000-05:00

Thursday night was the first meeting of The Living Room, a Bible Study at my house for those ages 20-35. We're studying Ephesians and specifically started with chapter 1 verses 1-14. Paul starts by introducing himself and then begins to get caught up in a bigger story. One about God's blessings and the inheritance that awaits all of us. Before we read this portion of scripture the study guide we are using gave an illustration of a bigger story overshadowing other things in life. The example was of a man who waited for a bus that was late. He got irritated when he began to tell his family about the ordeal and before he knew it was complaining about the government and how soon there would be an election and he could vote for someone that would fix the bus system. The issue at hand was the late bus, but the man's frustration over the late bus was overridden by the bigger story, his frustration over a government that he felt was failing.

Rebecca and I went to lunch today (I know you're so surprised....). On the drive there we started talking about a certain situation and no matter what else we talked about all through lunch we kept coming back to the same thing. I kinda felt bad because it's always that way when this topic comes up. So as we sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes I let my contemplator kick in and I pondered why when we've said all we can say we still talk about it. Then I realized, it's because it's about a bigger issue. It's not just the circumstance, it's the fact that the circumstance points out a blaring lack of integrity.

Few things irritate me more than a person acting one way in one situation and completely different in another. I realize that there is some adaptation to be made to every environment, but if there is a drastic difference between how you act in one setting vs. another then you have an issue you need to deal with. And in my (probably not so humble) opinion you probably lack integrity if that is the case.

Most of our staff has gone through an interview process to help us establish our purpose statement. A purpose statement helps you understand some of the qualities that God has given you to use. My purpose statement is: To support you in receiving loyalty and integrity so that truth is given for wise choices to be made and you are demonstrating and walking in freedom while achieving purpose, destiny and life transformation with 100% excellent results! Loyalty and integrity are often "the bigger picture" for me. I strive to be loyal and walk in integrity and I am greatly bothered when others don't.

Webster's defines integrity as follows: 1 : firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : incorruptibility;2 : an unimpaired condition : soundness;3 : the quality or state of being complete or undivided : completeness. "Firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values: incorruptibility." So, in order to have integrity you must first have a moral code.

In today's society moral codes are as varied as people's ice cream preferences. Instead of everyone just enjoying vanilla we're like a Marble Slab or a Cold Stone Creamery, picking a base and mixing in our own idea of what tastes good. As Christians our base should be the Ten Commandments, but then there is a myriad of things that the Bible is not specific about; drinking (it's clear on drunkenness btw...), smoking, tattoos, piercings, dancing, movies, music, etc. It's difficult enough to navigate the areas of life that the Bible is clear on let alone the ones that are left in the grey area.

So how do we walk in integrity in a world where even within the church there are so many varied moral codes? My answer - let your yes be yes and your no be no. Be who you are and what you stand for no matter where you are or who you are with. If you act in a way with some people that you would be ashamed of in front of others.... you're not walking in integrity! If you're always talking in an attempt to out speak your actions.... you're not walking in integrity! If people would be completely shocked to see "the other sides" of you.... you're not walking in integrity!

The Bible says that the things that happen in darkness, in secret, will be exposed in the light. (My paraphrase.) Are you walking in integrity in all areas of your life? Is there anything taking place in the darkness of your life that, if not dealt with, God may choose to expose in the light? I know there are areas of my life that aren't in perfect alignment, but getting those things aligned is part of my walk with the Lord. I would much rather deal with them, allow Him to correct them, than have them exposed, shouted from the mountain tops!

Take some time this week to do an integrity check!

And next time you find yourself unable to stop talking about a situation or circumstance ask yourself, "What is the bigger story?"

WANTED: Mouse Killer

2010-05-31T18:09:00.000-05:00

Last night after an evening of hanging out with the girls over at the Lovett house I came home and was unwinding a bit before going to bed. I sat down to journal and catch up on the happenings of Facebook over the last few hours. Suddenly I heard a ruckus coming from the bakers rack.
Beaux started barking and immediately I was on my knees on the couch saying, "You have got to be kidding me." In the few seconds between the first time I heard it and the second time I tried to figure out if there was any rational explanation other than a mouse roaming about my house. My feeble attempt at wishing away the thought of a possible furry intruder was quickly replaced by the reality of it running across my dining room floor. Beaux was going crazy, I was all but screaming and totally gripped with fear. I didn't want to get off the couch because I didn't have any shoes on. Once as a kid my grandmother stepped on a mouse she was chasing in her bare feet. I can still remember the scream she let out. Not something I wanted to reenact. As I stared, mostly motionless, in the direction I had last seen it run, behind my china shelf, I pondered if there was anyone that I could call to rescue me at 1am. I thought of people that probably love me enough to come be my hero, but couldn't bring myself to actually wake them up.

Beaux's barking did not seem to intimidate the little rascal, who eventually ran back towards the kitchen from whence he came, but was doing a lot to increase the rattle of my nerves. As soon as the trespasser proceeded away from me and the entrance to my room I grabbed Beaux's crate and a few of his favored toys and we went to my bedroom. I barricaded the bottom of the door with blankets. Beaux was going nuts. He started sniffing around the room, barking at nothing. I was further freaked out sitting indian style on my bed near tears. Visions of an entire mouse village running around under my bed diminished as he calmed down and it became apparent that he was just a little wound up. I thought I might end up staying up all night reading, as sleep seemed VERY illusive, but eventually I mustered the courage to put Beaux in the crate, turn off the lights and go to sleep.

Since I forewent all before bed rituals, including letting Beaux out one final time before bed, we were awake at 7am this morning. I had hopes, high hopes, that I would find the little critter stuck to one of the several remaining sticky traps around my house, but alas he is nowhere to be found.

I'm less concerned about a reappearance of the critter in the day light, though evidence of him is obvious in the kitchen. I am, however, currently wearing shoes around the house, and truth be told, if it wasn't so hot I'd probably be wearing my rain boot as a precautionary measure.

I have a "silly" list of reasons why I need a husband that include things like; take out the trash, maintain the car, kill bugs, etc. "Remove dead mice" has changed to "hunt, kill and eliminate mice" and has moved up significantly on the list.

WANTED: Tall(er than me), good looking, single guy. Able to hunt and kill mice with his bare hands. Willing to make a lifetime commitment! (Joking... sorta.) ;)

Blessed Beyond Measure!

2010-05-27T18:08:00.000-05:00

Today I had lunch with Rebecca. Okay, yes it was the second time this week and maybe I could still sit and talk to her for another five hours and still not run out of things to say. I can't help it! She's one of my besties!

Anyway.... we were talking about our jobs, our church, our lives... which if you work at Christian International are all one in the same... and commenting on how blessed we are to be here. Just now I was sitting here reflecting on our conversation and thinking about my life as a whole and how very blessed I am. I don't have a lot of things or a lot of money. I'm not married or even dating anyone. But I have an amazing life! I am blessed beyond measure! I have an amazing Mom who is always there for me. I have a sister whom I love dearly. I have the most amazing friends both here and all across the country some that have been in my life a short time while others my whole life. I go to an amazing church, have awesome pastors and leaders. I work for an incredible ministry and for some of the kindest people you will ever meet. Not to mention I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth!

Is my life perfect? No! Are there things I wish were different? Yes! But I choose to focus on the positive things, on the blessings in my life. I challenge you to take a minute and make a list of all of the blessings in your life. Maybe it's your friends, your children, your pet? Make a list of all of your blessings and when life seems like it has you down go to that list. Don't take for granted the blessings you have!

Sometimes I feel like a broken record, but I am so blessed to be where I am and with the people I am with! I sure am glad to know God had a perfect plan when he sent me here almost 12 years ago!

Summer Time!

2010-05-25T18:07:00.000-05:00

Even though I hate the Florida heat there is something about Summer that makes me happy. It must go back to all of those summers as a child and the fun and adventures they held. It's been quite some time that I've been a grown up with a job that doesn't take a summer break, but I still remember those amazing days of summer. Even when I had a summer job I still managed to enjoy every bit of my summer vacations. I remember when I wasn't working I would stay up all night reading, watching TV, listening to music, talking on the phone and then sleep all day. Summer in Ohio often meant it was still cool enough in the evening, and as it would have been for me the middle of the night, to open the windows and enjoy the amazing summer air.

There were canoeing trips and bonfires and hiking trips to Old Man's Cave. There were sleep overs that didn't have anything to do with sleep and youth choir trips to Cedar Point that always included some sort of fight amongst the boys. (Not to mention it ALWAYS rained.) When I got older there were date trips down to Kings Island. BBQs at Blacklick and walks on the trails. We worked our butts of during Campmeeting and yet somehow loved every minute of it.

In the days when life was much simpler I would go to our Family Reunions every year at Camp Ceasar in Cowan, WV. We would swim all afternoon, get sun burned and then bundle up in sweatshirts for the bonfire that night. I remember when I was really little visiting my Granny Miller's house. It was the same two bedroom house that she and my great-grandfather raised my grandfather and his five siblings in. My favorite place in the house was her front porch swing. I remember as a small child sitting out there by myself making up songs and watching the "traffic" go by.

Somehow now summer still holds a "spell" over me. Though part of me despises the 90+ degree heat that has already settled into the Emerald Coast at the same time it ignites an excitement in me. Things tend to slow down a bit at the office, we don't have any conferences and life just seems less busy. Weekends are filled with sunshine and water, mainly pool water, BBQs and playing games. The days seem to last forever and somehow summer just seems full of hope and opportunities.

There were many times over the winter months where I just wanted to get back to the summer. Though I loved the cool crisp winter weather and the winter holidays, I wanted back to the fun and fellowship of the summer. This weekend is Memorial Day weekend and summer is here. I'm excited. I know that there is change in the air and good things are coming.

A Day In the Life

2010-05-25T18:02:00.000-05:00

I tend to feel this pressure to only blog about revelatory moments in my life, or when I'm struggling with and overcoming something.... you know in order to help others do the same. However, back in the day when my blogging consisted of filling up my Myspace Blog or the Notes section of my Facebook or my Live Journal or my Blogger account I didn't care so much. I wrote about any and everything going on in my life. Now however, paying for hosting I feel like I have to make it mean something.

Today I'm going to break that pattern and just let you all know what's happening in my life these days. Maybe you don't care... that's fine, don't read. But if you do care you now get an extra glimpse into my life (beyond what you already get through my Twitter and Facebook updates).

I've been a puppy mommy for more than six weeks now and Beaux and I seem to be doing well. I will admit there are days when he's jumping on me and "down" is not having it's desired effect that I look at him and think, "Oh my gosh I have to take care of you for the rest of your life.... which will be at least the next 15 years." I've decided it's just helping me deal with any commitment issues that might be hiding in me. If you've ever heard anyone say having a puppy is like having a kid it is completely true! You have to feed them, potty train them, clean up after them, bathe them and teach them manners. Their behavior as an adult is completely dependent on your ability to discipline and form them as a "child." The thing with puppies is that they go through all of the phases of growing up in about 10% of the time. Remember... a dog year is the equivalent of seven human years, but by the time they are 1 year old they aren't really considered a puppy anymore. Beaux is nearing six months, though since he's a rescue dog there's no telling how old he really is. That means he's about to hit his "teenage" years.... Lord, help me! At least it won't last forever!

On Sunday I had Zion and Judah while Candice shot a wedding and Michael assisted her. After taking them to Cottages for Kids in Rosemary Beach we were headed back to my house to walk Beaux and have dinner before I took them home and put them to bed. They've only been around Beaux two times and can be a little spastic around dogs in general so I was giving them "the speech." "Now remember you can't scream at him. And if he jumps up on you turn away. And if you run from him he's going to think you are playing and want him to chase you." One of the boys asked why he jumps on them. I thought for a second and said, "Well, why do you jump up on Jermaine when he comes over?" I glanced back at Zion and he had this silly grin on his face while he said, "Cause I just get SOOOO excited!" I laughed and replied, "And Beaux gets SOOOO excited when you come to see him." Amazingly that explanation worked, and continued to work all night. Puppies really are like children in SO MANY WAYS!

This Saturday Rebecca and Jermaine will have been married for three whole weeks, which means I will have officially been roommate-less for three whole weeks. The first few days were an adjustment for sure, going from a house full of people the week before to just Beaux and me the night after the wedding. Beaux kept sniffing under closed doors as if he was sure there had to be someone there other than just me. Having the house to ourselves I also took the opportunity to switch his crate location to the living room. I've slept much better not hearing his every move in the night and it makes putting him in there when I have to leave the house so much easier. All in all I'm enjoying having the house to myself, but I do miss having Rebecca around to tell about the random thoughts going through this head of mine. I was so excited when they stopped by to say hello the Monday they got back in town. They've also been over twice to watch 24 with me! Last night Beaux cried for 10 minutes after they left. Today Rebecca is back in the office. It's nice to have her just a few clicks and some typing away at the other end of an IM or a short walk across the office if I think of something I need/want to tell her right now!

Almost two weeks ago Candice passed along a Facebook status from a wedding/event planner friend of hers. Turns out Robyn, of Mix Mingle Glow, was looking for day-of wedding assistants. I love helping with weddings at the church and have had many people say they think I should start my own wedding planning business. I don't get all jump up and down excited at the thought of having my own business, but had expressed to Candice if she ever heard of anyone needing help to let me know. I emailed Robyn and then actually got to meet her that night at Candice's birthday party. We made plans to touch base about the wedding she had coming up the next weekend. We talked at the beginning of the next week and then I met her Thursday before the rehearsal to go over some stuff. The rehearsal was a breeze and the next day I was at the Santa Rosa Golf and Beach Club at 2pm to assist with my first non-CI wedding. It was a blast! Yeah there as work involved, but Robyn is great! We had some time setting up the candy bar to chat and get to know each other. (Also, my former boss, Kimberly, and her husband Bill were having lunch there. They're in town often, but I rarely see them. How funny that I ran into them there.) I loved working with Robyn and can't wait to do some more weddings with her! I agree it was probably the perfect wedding to "get my feet wet!"

As if that isn't all enough change and excitement ... I'm starting a Bible Study for the 20-35 age group at my house in two weeks. It's a vision that has been in the works since about mid-March. I'm really excited! We're going to start by studying the book of Ephesians. I'm even going to stream it via my laptop so that people who don't live here or can't make a meeting can still participate. It will stream right here to karagene.net. So Thursday June 10th at 7pm Central time tune in right here or come visit us in my living room! Oh, that's what I'm calling it - The Living Room.... Where Life Happens!

So there's an update on my life over the last several weeks. I'll try to do better and not get locked into waxing philosophical every time I blog!

This is what you get!

2010-05-01T17:33:00.000-05:00

If you feel like people should keep their struggles and emotions to themselves, rather than share what they are going through, then you should probably stop reading now.

Lately I have totally lacked motivation. No matter what time I go to bed, how much sleep I get, I'm flat exhausted. I haven't been to the gym in a shameful amount of time and all I want are carbs... ever. I also seem to be drained of any creativity. It was as if my well had run dry. A couple of weeks ago I finally had a moment of clarity. I put all of the pieces together and realized that I was experiencing all of the tell tale signs of depression.

One would think that periodic bouts with it over the last 30 years would make me realize a little sooner what was happening. However, when you're in it you don't always see it. It's the classic saying, "You can't see the forest for the trees." You're just tired and sad and irritated. And you justify it all by the disappointments and circumstances in your life. What you don't realize is that in a different state of emotional being you would just take it all in stride, and have, in the past, taken it all in stride.

It took me a few days once I realized what was going on to admit it to anyone. For some reason there is so much shame associated with recognizing that you are feeling anything less than perfect. The two friends I told both responded with encouragement.

One consoled me and said it was understandable. I had just crossed a major milestone in my life, turning 30, and though it was good it held some disappointments. Then without any time to process what I was going through we went right into a conference. Once it was all said and done, and everything settled down, I was left tired with lots to process through.

Another gave me a nugget that was one of the most encouraging things someone could have said to me. The new day begins at night. Tomorrow, Sunday, will not begin when the sun rises. Instead it will begin at midnight tonight. It will be dark, and possibly scary, full of mystery but it will be a new day.

Being from two families that both battle depression and anxiety I realize there are lots of contributing factors; chemical, emotional, genetic and spiritual. I also believe we can conquer depression if we can admit where we are at and make a determination that it will not conquer us. For me personally I know that these bouts are decoys meant to distract me and keep me off focus. I also know I can't deal with them alone. There are things I have to do; spend more time with the Lord, worship more, all that good stuff. But I also need the support of others.

Telling Rebecca that I realized I was depressed was extremely difficult. This seems crazy since I can tell her anything. However, there was a shame associated with how I was feeling. I should have it all together. I should be happy and content. I should be full of joy and energy. But I wasn't.

I even hesitated in writing this blog. Do I want the whole world to know that I am overcoming a bout of depression? Do I want everyone to know that I realize that I could, and probably at some point will, have another bout of depression that I need to overcome? Am I prepared for the well meaning suggestions of how to rid myself of such bouts? I weighed all of the options and considered the consequences and decided my vulnerability could serve more purpose in helping others than keeping my trials to myself.

I want to point out that I do not SUFFER from depression. It does not have a permanent hold on my life. But at times I do FIGHT it, sometimes the battle is more fierce than others, but I FIGHT none the less.

So why am I laying out a portion of my heart this afternoon? Because I think it helps me and helps others. When I can say, "I'm battling depression right now," I find it looses its power and I gain mine.

I am a people watcher. I know that does not come as a surprise to most people. I watch how people act and interact, I also like to analyze and understand what makes people act the way they do. As I write this blog two individuals of my acquaintance come to mind. Both have challenges they are facing, battling, attempting to overcome. I don't attempt to know or understand what they are facing in their entirety, but I know they are facing stuff. One when asked how he is doing always responds with great enthusiasm that he is "great" and implies that there is nothing in the world wrong with him. The other when I have on several recent occasions asked how he was has responded, "meh." I "teased" the later on this frequent response, but the more I think about it Mr. Meh is being honest and genuine and is probably the healthier of the two for it. He can admit that he's not "great" and doesn't feel like he needs to pretend to be in order to be doing ok. Meanwhile, Mr. Great is really not so great after all.

Why do we hide behind masks and walls of "everything is alright?" Why are we so afraid to be vulnerable and honest with each other? I don't want to hide behind walls and pretense anymore. I don't want to be afraid to admit that I am going through a rough spot. I don't want to feel like I am less of a person, less spiritual, or that there is something wrong with me when I am having a hard time. And I want to be a safe place for others to open up about what they are going through.

If you are a friend of mine I want to be a safe place for you to be who you are. To be vulnerable. To be real. I won't try to fix you. I will only offer my advice when you are ready to hear it. But I will pray for you. And I will listen whenever you need to be heard. I will be your shoulder whenever you need one to cry on.

Galations 6:1-3 says, "Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important." (New Living Translation) If we are commanded to help each other overcome sin, how much more do you think God wants us to help each other overcome in other situations that aren't sin?

Let's rally around each other. Let's open up and be honest. Transparency is a key to overcoming. When we can talk things out we can see them from a different perspective. We begin to see that the issues facing us are not insurmountable mountains, but are mere mole hills. Maybe they are even mere ant hills and all we have to do is squash them. And if they end up actually being mountains, at least we can help each other climb them.

We are not less for facing trials. We are stronger for staring them down and overcoming them and sharing our victory with others!

The Adventures of Turning 30!

2010-04-12T17:35:00.000-05:00

I spent more than a year dreading turning 30. My tongue would get stuck on the back of my teeth anytime I tried to say the dreaded word. In all honesty I was afraid that 30 would come and go without any real celebration. Now that might seem silly, but considering birthdays have always been a big deal for me, and this was a BIG ONE, it was a legitimate fear from my perspective. I asked Rebecca if I could turn over planning of my birthday weekend to she and Ashley. She gladly accepted the responsibility. As much as I wanted to ask what we were doing I didn't. And I tried not to give too much input along the way.

It all started Sunday, March 21st when after church I declared it the beginning of my birthday festivities. Thursday the real adventure began. I had received a birthday card with a check and wanted to take it to the bank. I told Rebecca and she said, "Why don't you wait until an opportunity to go to the bank presents itself." I said, "Will it present itself?" She assured me it would so I went back to my office. Not much later she came in my office, told me she was going to Publix and that since it was raining Edgar would drive me to the bank. I thought this was a little silly, but then figured they must be up to something else. A few minutes after Rebecca left Edgar came and said, "Let's go!" So go we did. It was when we were passing Pizza by the Sea and he sped up that I figured out where we were going. We did in fact go to the bank first, but eventually ended up at Pizza by the Sea. There waiting for us were Ruth, Sarah, Mandy and Rebecca.

Friday, the actual day, rolled around and I knew more surprises were in store. In years past I took my birthday off work. I mean who wants to work on their birthday? This year though I decided I wanted to go to work because I wanted everyone to come to my office and sing to me. I also wanted to go to lunch with everyone. When asked where I would like to go for lunch on my birthday I had said I would be perfectly happy going to Pizza by the Sea. I had already been warned we may go somewhere else because it wouldn't accommodate a big group. At that I knew the options were limited, but wasn't exactly sure where we were going. After my co-workers faithfully invaded my office to sing and bring me a card and goodies I was again kidnapped from the office.

Edgar was once again the chauffeur. As we left the office Edgar informed me that he needed to put gas in his car. After getting gas at the Tom Thumb at the 331 intersection we headed back toward the office and cut down 283 to 30A. At this point I thought there could be two options for lunch; Another Broken Egg or Great Southern Cafe. Though I was leaning towards Great Southern because I knew a reservation could be made there. Edgar tried to tell me we were going to Starbucks, which had me giving Another Broken Egg a second thought. When he drove past it I knew we were going to Great Southern. Edgar tried to throw me off by acting as if he missed the turn and pretending to turn at the Grayton Beach park entrance. However, when he turned right back on to 30A I knew we were definitely headed to Great Southern. Edgar continued to try and deceive me by saying we were going to Angelina's and other places, but I knew better. When we drove beyond the Seaside loop, in another attempt to confuse me, we passed Ruth and Sarah and then Dean. Edgar seemed a bit defeated by this. He circled and we saw Crystal... twice. Eventually we found a parking place and as we walked away from the car Edgar headed in the opposite direction. I said, "It will be quicker if we go this way." He said, "But you don't know where we are going." I replied, "Yes, I do. We're going to Great Southern." With a defeated look on his face he followed. I was right!

Good thing I already knew what was happening since the hostess said, "Are you with the birthday party," as we walked up. Inside waiting were Sherilyn, Patricia, Cathy, Shirley, Dan, Missy, Dean, Jermaine, Rebecca, Sarah, Crystal and Ruth. It was a great lunch with a group of great people!

That night we had our regular CBN webcast, but afterwards Ruth, Jason and Crystal stole me away. Candice joined us and we had dinner at Louis Louis. It's owned by the same people that own the Red Bar, a local "legend," but I've never eaten there. I had the famed Panne Chicken! It was so yum! It was good food and a great time with good friends. We stayed and talked for hours.

The next day the fun would continue. Ashley, Rebecca and I had already made plans to go get pedicures in the late morning. Ashley brought some yummy cheese ball and waters for us. We sat and had a great time relaxing and getting pampered. The nail shop was running a special so that it was only $5 more to get a manicure as well. I already planned to get both, but the other girls decided to as well. I knew there were plans for Saturday evening, but I didn't know what those plans consisted of, or who. The whole time we were out the girls kept talking about "1pm." Rebecca said, "Jermaine is going to take care of 1pm so that we don't have to rush back." Being the nosie girl that I am it was killing me. I kept trying to figure out if 1pm was a person or a thing.

While we were at the nail shop two distinctly funny things happened. (In no particular order.) While I was getting my pedicure the guy doing my nails, who was Asian, said, "You're not born American." Me - "Um, excuse me?" "You not born in America." "Um, yes I was!" "Well then you are only half." "No, I'm fully American." "You look Asian. Like Chinese or Vietnamese." "Um, nope. I'm very European; English, Irish, German and French." "Oh, well you look Asian." We laughed so hard. Even then. We couldn't help ourselves. It was hysterical!

Then we were sitting there and Rebecca said, "So I entered everything I plan to eat today in CalorieCounter.com. Olive Garden doesn't have anything that is less than 1000 calories." Ashley and I were both quiet. I was thinking, "Did she really just tell me where we're going for dinner tonight?" Then Ashley said, "Did you just tell her where we are going?" Poor Rebecca. She felt so bad, but I just laughed. She had done so good at keeping the secret and it just slipped out.

After our pampering we went home. Rebecca dropped Ashley off at her house and then took me home. She was afraid if she stayed and finished getting ready at our house that she might spill more of the details of the evening, so she grabbed her things and went back to Ashley's. I was told to be ready at 4pm. Edgar would again be my chauffeur.

I was ready before 4pm and waiting patiently. When I got in the car Edgar said, "I hear you figured out where we are going." I corrected him by saying, "No, Rebecca told me," and then proceeded to tell him the story. Even though he knew I knew where we were going he kept trying to throw me off. Sadly, Edgar is a bad liar! We were almost to Olive Garden when he made a u-turn and started back in the other direction. He had been receiving text messages the entire time so I thought maybe they had told him they weren't ready for me yet. He pulled in to Carrabas, parked the car and said, "Here we are!" I was confused, and surprised, and wondered if they changed it because I figured out where we were going.

Later I found out that Olive Garden was less than cooperative. Ashley and Rebecca had made a reservation and got there early to set up and were told that they couldn't be seated until five minutes before the reservation. Then the manager got rude and informed them the reservation wouldn't be ready for until a half hour after it had been made for. She claimed the dining room was full. Knowing that the parking lot was nearly empty they looked in the dining room and confirming their thoughts... it was nearly empty as well. They decided it wasn't worth it to stay there and quickly changed plans. They called Carrabas and they were very accommodating for our group.

Inside the restaurant were Rebecca, Jermaine, Ashley, Tren, Jorge, Kristian, Richie and Andrea. There were presents, a gorgeous cake from Sugar Rush and balloons. David Z. and Melissa joined us later. The service was great and the company was as well. I got the Pollo Rosa Maria, my favorite. My cake was covered in fondant including little fondant balls. We were all eating off the fondant balls while we waited for dinner. The manager asked me what I would like for dinner, he was going to bring me a special dessert, and he was going to bring mini desserts for everyone else. As we all finished up our meals a great debate began over whether to do the cake at the restaurant or at the next location. The waiter came to and left the table several times without anyone asking for extra plates for the cake. Somewhere between anxious to cut into it and my "shaper" kicking in I asked, "So are we going to do the cake here or where ever we are going next?" I think slightly annoyed with me Rebecca looked at Ashley and said, "Do we want to do the cake here or at the bowling alley?" Immediately Ashley and I started laughing. She had spilled the beans again! We decided to take the cake with us since we were all getting dessert at the restaurant.

After dinner Jorge, Kristian, David and Melissa headed home and the rest of us went to Hurricane Lanes to go bowling. Brittany and Matt met us there. The employees had to basically sneak the cake in and wait until their manager left to bring it out. It was so yummy, Butter Pecan flavored. Mmm, mmm, mmm! It was a fun night!

Sunday it was church and then finishing getting the house ready for Gena and Crysta to come see me. I had a baby shower to go to and then had Jorge's birthday dinner at Thai Elephant. Then I met up with Candice and we went to a movie. Since Crysta and I both have Google phones I was able to "track" them via google maps. As I came up on 331 I saw their location on the map and then watched her car turn on to 98 in front of me. It was perfect timing!

Monday the girls and I had lunch at Pizza by the Sea and then went to Patchouli's in Rosemary and then on to Pier Park to hang out. Kristian and Candice met us for dinner at the Mexican restaurant in PP. After dinner we decided to go to Marble Slab for some ice cream. Kristian was ready to go home, but Candice hopped in the car with us to head to the other side of the development. When we parked I decided I didn't want to carry my whole purse in with me so I grabbed my wallet, put my purse in the back seat and hopped out of the car. I locked the doors and as I closed it realized what I had just done. I locked my keys in the car. I thought about calling Rebecca to see if she could bring out my spare key, but my phone was in the car. Candice had her phone... but not Rebecca's number. Suddenly Gena remembered that she had AAA. Fortunatley AAA goes with the person and not the car. We called and eventually got from the Louisiana group to the Florida group and a tow truck was on it's way. We went on in to get our ice cream and by the time we were finished they were in the parking lot to unlock the car. The guy was gathering our information when he looked at my license plate and said, "Oh, you're locals." I was so embarrassed. I hung my head. He said, "Well I guess us locals can lock our keys in the car too!" He used this cool device that looked like a blood pressure cuff to pry the door away from the frame so that he could get another tool in to unlock the door. Before we knew it we were in the car and on our way. I deemed it my first absent-minded 30 moment!

Gena and Crysta had to leave by 11am the next day, but we had a good visit and meeting of the 30 club... even if it was short.

All in all it was a very good birthday. There were some things that didn't quite go as I expected, for instance I didn't have a date for my birthday, but my amazing friends made a it an incredible time to remember. We celebrated very well and I felt very loved! I have some of the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for! I love you all!

Just Another Manic Monday - This is the Day the Lord Has Made!

2010-03-22T17:32:00.000-05:00

It's Monday, and like most people I know the weekend, though good, was more tiring than restful. Consequently I thought long and hard before I got out of bed and committed to going to the gym. Even the prospect of coffee already in the pot wasn't much of a motivator. Turning 30 was... and so was the thought of trying to develop more discipline in my life. Now I'm faced with trying to make this a productive day despite my lack of motivation. I did manage to dwindle down the emails in my inbox, and honestly if that's all I really accomplish today I will consider it successful!

However, as I am reading through FB updates I see nothing but complaints from so many. It's cold and cloudy here on the beautiful Emerald Coast of Florida. The spring breakers are all regretting that they only brought tank tops and flip flops. Some of my FB friends were greeted with rain and even snow on this late March morning. Does the bad weather make the Monday even worse? Or is the weather worse because it's Monday? Either way it all has me thinking.

Do you realize there are only 52 Mondays a year? The other 343 days are not Mondays. That means a measly 14% of our lives are spent on Mondays. And yet we often let that 14% taint and contaminate the other 86%. How often does a bad Monday serve as an omen for a bad week? We rejoice when Wednesday rolls around, happy that it is half over, and long for Friday, but then before we know it the cycle starts all over.

I took a little break from my computer screen and pondered this phenomenon. Very quickly I was reminded of Proverbs 18:21, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." As a kid we said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I can tell you that though I recited that often, as well as several other sophisticated childhood comebacks, it was far from true. The words that were said did hurt me. If my words can hurt someone else, then they can also hurt me. And if my own words can hurt me - cause me to stop growing, limit what I can accomplish, diminish my image - then they can do the same to my day. We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities. When we wake up in the morning and say, "Oh, crap, it's Monday again," we are joining forces with all of the things in heavenly places that want us to have a bad day.

Monday's really not a bad guy. Poor thing has gotten a bad wrap. It's not Monday's fault that everyone decided Monday through Friday was a good typical work schedule. It could have been Tuesday or Wednesday... no matter what the day is though, it's not the day's fault!

A few weeks ago I was having a particularly frustrating day. It was one of those Apple Cart days and time for bed couldn't come soon enough. There was not enough time in the world spent on my couch vegging with my roommate that could fix my day. The only thing I needed was SLEEP! (The power of sleep is completely underrated by the way!) As I finally lay my head on my pillow I said, "Lord I thank you that your mercies are new every morning!" The next day when to much chagrin the alarm went off, I reminded myself again that His mercies are new every morning. At 10:30am when the day was starting to shape up much like the one before I said, "His mercies are new EVERY morning, and it's still morning!" Though the day was still challenging it turned out better. Ever since I have been trying to keep this at the forefront of my mind. His mercies are new EVERY MORNING! That means no matter what happened yesterday, today has the potential to be a good day.

It's all a matter of attitude and perspective. In general I've been trying to be more positive. If I think it's going to be a terrible day... it will probably be a terrible day. But if I look for it to be a good day, then I have a better chance of having a good day. The same is true with people. If I expect them to hurt me, reject me, abuse me, they probably will, but if my expectation is that they mean well, no matter what they say or do, I will have more grace for them. And both people, and your day, will live up to the expectation you place on them whether it's verbalized or not!

I've been putting some practical application to all of this as well. After an amazing message last weekend about passive rebellion I've been attempting to squash it in my life. One way is by being to work on time! Last week Edgar, Rebecca and I decided we would start meeting at the office for coffee at 8:30am. So it's up and at 'em at 5:30 and on the road to the gym by 5:45. Home by 7:30 at the latest and into the office for coffee at 8:30. It's amazing how 30 minutes of just relaxing and talking to friends sets me up for a better day. 1st of all, since there are very few people in the office I'm not greeted by everyone else's complaints. 2ndly, I get my coffee in me. And 3rdly I have a chance to just chill, rather than rush, rush, rush all morning. With all of that despite today being "Monday" it has turned out very productive. Not only did I get my inbox cleaned out, I set up 2 packets for proof, scheduled a conference email to be sent, updated my department's task list, and now am finishing a blog.

As far as people go... I'm changing my expectations of them by trying to love them more! Everyone wants, deserves, NEEDS love! We are the instruments to show it. It's amazing that if you act like you love someone long enough your emotions will eventually follow suit, as long as you're really putting your heart in it to be self-less. When this happens your perspective of the person changes. Your attitude towards the person changes. All of the sudden you have a little more grace and you want to make things right quicker. You also take their feelings into consideration and find yourself thinking a little more before you act or speak.

So, how did I get from manic Mondays to relationships and love? Well, probably because that is so close to my heart right now. (Pun intended!) But the fact of the matter is "Your attitude determines your altitude," as I often read on the wall in High School. Whatever you are looking at, if you will have a good attitude you will effect the results, be it a day or a person!

Next time Monday rolls around and you want to grumble and cover your head with the covers remember - a. His mercies are new every morning; b. You have the power of life and death in your tongue; c. Your attitude makes the difference in EVERYTHING!

Love doesn't cost a thing... or does it?

2010-03-16T17:30:00.000-05:00

Back around Valentine's Day I started writing about love. I was pondering how we love others and if loving others the way we receive love, instead of how they receive love, is love at all. Well, I got about knee deep in the blog and got stuck. Not so unusual. There are lots of 1/2 written blogs in my repertoire.

This weekend we had a conference. It was all focused on the Love of the Father God and experiencing it. One of the speakers referenced one of my favorite scriptures that says that perfect love casts out all fear. I was thinking about this again this morning as I had allowed fear to totally stop me in my tracks.

Have you ever thought of a scenario and said, "Well if this happens I'm going to do this..." and then to your complete and utter surprise it happens, but you can't seem to follow through on what you said you would do? Yeah, that was me this morning. I was totally and completely gripped by fear, and missed an opportunity to show love to someone. I tried to overcome my fear, but by the time I was ready to push through it I missed my opportunity.

The irony of the situation takes us back to this past Friday afternoon, when a combination of "perfect love casts out all fear" and an amazing quote had me pondering an important question. Silja Hilton was one of the speakers at the conference and she shared a quote from her Mom, Dr. Melodye, "If you're not close enough to get hurt, you're not close enough to make a difference." Some time on Saturday I had an epiphany as all of the talk of love came together in my heart and mind. Because if we have truly experienced, encountered the love of the Father then we can't help but love others. And I realized that many times over my life I have made the statement, "I'm loving them from a distance." The thing is, you can't do that. The only way to truly love someone is to get in the thick of it. You have to be willing to get hurt; willing to get a little messy.

I was reminded of a story that Pastor Jane always tells. She struggled with fear for quite a while. And she has always been deathly afraid of snakes. One day her kids were playing outside when her son ran in, crying and said, "Mommy, the snake looked at me!" At that moment from somewhere within her arose a courage she had never before known when it came to snakes. But this snake had crossed the line from messing with her to messing with her baby. At that point the perfect love for her son cast out all fear she had known in the past. She didn't care about getting hurt, all she cared about was protecting, loving, her child!

For days I've been asking how I can show love to someone, this morning I had the opportunity and I FROZE! DUMB! I don't think I have somehow thwarted my destiny, but I don't know what that person might go through today and how God may have intended me to help influence their day.

FDR said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!" I don't know where FDR was with the Lord, but he had a word from the Lord when he spoke that. Fear is the enemy of all things good and Godly! Fear stops us from putting ourselves out there and showing people love because we are afraid of getting hurt. But the Bible says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."

Two things strike me in this passage in 1 Corinthians that particularly apply to what I'm talking about. Love is not self-seeking - That means true love is not based out of how we will feel when it is all said and done. So if we're going to love someone we have to be willing to put ourselves out there regardless of how they may respond. Oh, and just a note, we're not responsible for whether or not they receive the love we give. The second thing is love never fails - So no matter the initial reaction of the person we have tried to reach out and love, a seed has been planted in their hearts. And you can't ever go wrong when genuinely trying to show someone self-less love.

So, basically I'm challenging myself, and in turn challenging you.... to step beyond your fear and love. What's the worst that can happen?

Tomorrow night I'm preaching at my church for the first time. I've spoken at youth and MTC, I've taught classes during conferences, but I've never spoken at an actual church service. I'm so stirred up. With everything God is doing in my life, all the Apple Cart cleanout taking place, I'm totally wrecked for Him! It may not always show on the outside if you're a casual acquaintance, but if you're a close friend you have heard me talk about all that God is showing me. So, stay posted, there's more to come....

()

I Gotta' Have Faith

2010-03-03T17:28:00.000-06:00

I recently joined an online book club. It's awesome because there are about 100 people reading different books and then talking about what they read. It's fun to see how everyone felt about the different characters and situations. Also, because different people are reading and discussing different books you get an idea of whether or not you want to read it.

I recently discovered a habit of mine when it comes to reading. I tend to read the first chapter and then flip through to somewhere in the middle and skim a page and then, more often than not, flip to the last page and read it. Yes, I realize this is horrible. It usually ruins any suspense for me, as it did when I recently read The Luxe. It's usually then very difficult for me to read straight through the rest of the book, though I force myself to do it. And rather than just enjoying the story I am constantly trying to figure out how they get from where they are to where they end up.

This afternoon I had an epiphany while talking to Rebecca about what I think is a God idea.... I try to do that with my life. Rather than just enjoy the ride I'm always trying to read the last page and then figure out how I get there. I put these expectations on everyone and everything, and the fact of the matter is, it usually leads to disappointment. Part of my personality is to structure things, figure out how they work and make things that don't work, work. However, you can't do that with God. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. Faith is not figuring out how God is going to do it, it is simply trusting, believing that He will.

When I'm trying to figure out how things are going to happen my eyes aren't on God, they are on the circumstances. Doubt, unbelief, hope deferred and disappointment come from looking at the circumstances. Faith comes from looking at God.

I know this may all seem simple, but somehow this has really rocked my heart this afternoon. God has graciously spoken some things to me, given me a glimpse at the last page if you will, but rather than enjoying the ride to it's fulfillment I've tried to analyze how it's going to happen. And when it's going to happen. And what will be said. And who will say something first. And what the other person is thinking...... and on and on and on. All the while God is saying, "I've got it all figured out. If you'll just chill out and enjoy the story, we'll get there."

Sometimes I wonder how one girl can have so many trust issues! Yes, I mean me! They just keep surfacing, and surfacing, and surfacing. The irony is that I wrote a song called, I Put My Trust in You! There are days when I can almost hear an audible voice saying, "Hey, Kara! Remember that song you wrote? When are you going to REALLY mean it?" Obviously it was a faith statement, a declaration that I would put all of my trust in Him!

This morning on the way to the gym Rebecca was telling me how for years she has prayed before going to bed for God to help her get up in the morning. And consequently for years when the alarm went off she grumbled and hit snooze, repeatedly. Until today... See, I leave to go to the gym at 5:45am. Before dragging my tired self out of bed this morning I was checking Facebook on my phone. (I do realize that may mean I have a slight FB addiction if I check it before I get out of bed.) When I was reading through I saw that Rebecca was already up and had posted a status update. Shocked this further prompted me to get out of bed and get ready to go. She later told me she had been up since about 3am. Wide awake, thinking it was 8 or so. She told me on the same aforementioned ride to the gym that God reminded her at 3:15, when she thought she had gone back to sleep for several hours, what she had prayed for years.

Funny how we want to hold God at His word and yet try to avoid being held to our own. I said, "Lord I put my trust in you. I place my life in your hands. I put all my hope in you and I surrender all that I am." Not only did I say it, I put it to music and others have repeatedly been forced to sing it themselves. Yet I have repeatedly tried to figure things out myself. Tried to make things work. Tried to arrange situations. I wasn't trusting Him at all! I was striving to get to the last page, not allowing Him to take the time to write a magnificent story.

So this afternoon I find myself with my apples rolling all over the floor... yet again. Geesh! I know God has big plans or He wouldn't take the time to work all of these things out of my heart. Okay God, I surrender once again. And I'm sure I'll do it again tonight when I get home. And again in the morning. And probably multiple times throughout the day tomorrow. But I really do want to trust You with my life. I know that you know the beginning and the end, it's the fact that I don't know that I get caught up on. But I don't have to know, because you know... and someday I will really REALLY mean that. ;)

I may laugh and then cry if I get to church to find my song on the list for tonight... it will be sweet irony, but it will be good.

My purpose in writing these blogs is more than just laying my soul bare for all to see. Rather my hope is that you will be inspired to take a look inside your own heart and allow God to clean house so that you can live a better life!

The last few days...

2010-03-02T17:26:00.000-06:00

Recently I have been repeatedly confronted with opportunities to loose my cool, and at times have held onto it by a slipping thread. At the beginning of February, during our Ministers Summit, I attended a workshop about Emotional Intelligence, or EQ. EQ is basically emotional maturity. The ability to control your emotions. It's not just being a grown up by the numbers but by the attitude.

As I lay in bed the other night thinking about my day and my near misses of emotional explosion, I was on one hand "proud" that I made it through as well as I did. On the other hand I wondered if I will ever reach a point where I don't have days where I feel like I'm going to pop. Is it normal? Is it just that I am emotive? Will here always be some level of reaction or can I really learn, train myself even, not to react?

I talked in a recent blog about the confirmations in my hope/dream of getting married someday. The morning that I received the prophetic word from one of our Elders I had actually led worship. What he shared, in addition to "that gentleman she is going to marry is very close," was that during worship he saw that my life was like an "apple basket turn over" and that God was getting ready to do something supernatural in my life and that He was going to bless me with a husband.

For some reason we always forget that God's thoughts are higher than ours. So when God says something to us through the written word, through another or even to us personally we always put our spin on it and assume we know what He means. Or am I the only one guilty of such things? There were all sorts of assumptions as to what this "apple basket turn over" could mean. Did my apple cart have to be turned over first? I already feel as if a lot of things have changed in my life over the last year, so maybe my cart was already in the process of being turned over? Did it mean my "husband" will be nothing I expected? I couldn't reconcile it and decided to trust the still small voice that was telling me to just be at peace and listen to my heart. My heart was telling me to hold on to a hope that seemed hopeless, and trust God to work it out or to show me another way.

Well the other day when it seemed everything was falling apart, including me, I said, "I'm starting to think this whole 'apple basket turn over' thing has less to do with me actually getting married and more with the process leading up to it." While recounting my crazy day to Shirley I told her I felt like my apples were strewn all over the parking lot! She proceeded to tell me that an apple cart being turned over isn't always a bad thing. It not only dumps out the apples, but it dumps out the dirt and the cobwebs that have built up. Whoa! I believe my exact words were, "Preach it girl!" Plus in the process of putting the apples back in you can sort the good ones from the bad ones. No one wants a rotten apple, or one that has been invaded by a worm. We all want the perfectly ripe ones. Hmmm... this certainly got me thinking.

Shirley was describing the perfect apple, telling me what kind I should be looking for, but the more I've thought about it I think God is trying to make me the perfect apple!

The perfect apple is neither picked too soon, nor left on the tree so long that it falls from the branch. It is allowed to reach the peek of flavor and juiciness and then it is picked. Kinda like love.... you have to wait until it's ready. One of my favorite songs (Yes, I have a lot of favorite songs.) is by Brooke Frasier, "Love is Waiting." All of the lyrics are amazing, but one line in particular stands out to me, "...and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start, neither should I rush my way into your heart." For everything there is a season. I try to remind myself, the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.

So if you put a perfect apple in a dirty apple cart you risk tarnishing the apple. All sorts of stuff accumulates in an apple cart or wheel barrow that doesn't get cleaned out. There's dirt, bugs, cobwebs, worms... all sorts of things that could ruin a perfect apple.

Similar to cobwebs insecurities can surface without any warning. Have you ever walked into a cobweb that you didn't see? It feels like you have the finest sticky hair stuck to you. However, there was no warning. Insecurities surface in the same way. You have no idea they are there until you walk right into a situation and they stick to you and then it takes some effort to get off. Like cobwebs, if you don't deal with insecurities when you first discover them they go from one small invisible, albeit annoying, strand to a complex web that traps and ensnares.

When Sarah lived with me we had a few "pet" spiders that lived on the east wall of our living room. It was obvious that they caused the cobwebs in the corners of our living room. And it was obvious that as long as we allowed them to live it didn't matter how many times we cleaned the cobwebs out of the corners, they would return. They were safe from extinction as long as they stayed on their side of the room. If they ventured off of their wall they met their demise. In this situation I knew the cause of the cobwebs, but there have been plenty of times that I haven't seen the spider that made the cobweb. It seemingly appeared out of thin air, but somewhere there was a culprit even if I never saw it.

All sorts of situations in our lives act as the spiders that spin cobwebs of insecurities. Some instances are obvious - abandonment, divorce, neglect, abuse, etc. Others are much more sly. They creep in when we don't realize or expect them to. They spin their webs through teasing, let downs, disappointments and hope deferred.

I am often mistaken as a tough girl that is not effected by others words or actions, but honestly it's not true. A friend recently said to me that I seem pretty confident, but they got the feeling that I still had some insecurities that I battle with. Though I gave a mild verbal affirmation, I was thinking, "You don't even know the half of it!" There are definitely still some cobwebs to be swept out and spiders to be squashed!

When I turned 25 I hit a wall emotionally. I had run from and ignored all of my issues long enough and God felt it was time to deal with the things that were cluttering and overwhelming my heart. I remember feeling like I was volunteering for preemptive heart surgery. Some nights I journalled and prayed until I couldn't hold a pen anymore. I poured my heart out to the Lord and forgave everyone I could possibly think to forgive.

I wasn't abused or neglected, but I faced my own share of life altering situations. My parents divorced when I was eight and my grandparents shortly there after. Pair all of that with a little bit of moving around, mean kids, family secrets and a host of other things and you got one little mess of a girl. Not to mention a nearly life long battle with anxiety attacks... I don't blame my family for my insecurities, but it is healthy to identify the spiders that spun the web rather than just sweep them under a rug. Since we all have insecurities I know that we all do the best we can with what we have, and with what we're equipped to handle.

At 25 I knew I could not continue to carry around all of the pain I had experienced to that point, and I had to tear down the walls that formed my own personal prison. Now five years later I still find some cobwebs that need to be swept out, and set to searching for the spider that caused them. There are some people I've had to forgive a thousand times, and I will keep forgiving them until I have let go of the situation. I know that with every ounce of forgiveness I extend I grant that person freedom from a debt they can never repay, and I sweep another cobweb out of the rooms of my heart.

One of the issues I had to deal with effected my confidence as a worshipper. In High School I was very involved with the choir at my school and the youth choir/worship team at church. For whatever reason we were having tryouts for the youth front-line singers. I was already singing front-line some, but all of us had to tryout again. At the end of the series of "tests" we were each brought in and told whether we had made the team, would be alternates, or needed to work harder and try out again later. I had made the team, and as I usually did between front-line practice and choir practice, left to pick up our choir director. As I walked out the door a girl who had not been there for the previous weeks of tryouts walked in. Despite it being made very well known that the tryouts were being held she hadn't been there. In the time that I was gone she had been permitted to tryout. However, I wouldn't find out until the end of choir practice that the decision had been made to bump me to an alternate and put her on the team. I was devastated. I somehow managed to get from where we were practicing at the Bible College to the church without crying, but as soon as I was alone in my car in the church parking lot I sobbed. It wasn't just that she was better than me... actually it was more that she brought the racial balance to the team that I didn't. My consistency, ability, loyalty didn't matter. I determined to be the most faithful non-official member of the team. Alternates were not required to attend practices, but I went and sat in the chairs and sang along. I would sing into my thumb since I lacked a microphone. Eventually I ended up back on the team, but a spider was born that day that proceeded to spin webs in my life for some time. Five years ago I exterminated that spider. Sometimes that spider's offspring try to stake claim in my heart and mind and I have to squish it quick.

I could go on and on about the things that have bred insecurities that I have had to overcome, but the important thing is that I have overcome them. I have allowed the Lord to dump my apple cart and clean it before. I know that it is a good process and I know that it is once again necessary. We will never be completely free of our insecurities because we are human, but we are fortunate enough to have the master exterminator on our side!

So when God says I'm going through a time of "apple cart turnover" I believe He's letting me know that He's dealing with the insecurities that could ensnare me in a marriage relationship.
For some time I've asked that God deal with the issues in me before I got married. He's good at answering our prayers and making good on His promises!

Let Him sweep the cobwebs out of your heart. Let Him exterminate the spiders. It can be a painful/messy process, but you will be so grateful you went through it!

Did you bring your lampstand?

2010-02-22T17:24:00.000-06:00

One night we were setting up for our Friday night webcast that we do in conjunction with CBN and someone said that we should do worship more like someone else. Let me tell you, that was the wrong comment to the wrong person at the wrong time. I let them have it, and got quite a look of shock from the other person standing by. I said, "We are not so-in-so and even if we do so-in-so's songs we will not be them. We are unique just like they are unique, and if you don't like it you can leave." If you haven't figured it out yet I am as loyal as the day is long, and if you dare mess with someone or something I love you will see the timid side of me fade away in a blaze of righteous indignation!

I recalled this incident as I was working on my blog "What's for dinner?" You can consider this a type of continuation of that blog with a little different angle.

I've been a part of choirs and worship teams since I was 12 years old. That's 18 years of music ministry.... 18 YEARS! (Gasp, choke, gasp, sigh!) It's hard to imagine that more of my life has been spent being a part of a worship team than not. But throughout those 18 years I've frequently been frustrated by the individuals who seem to just refuse any attempt at entering into worship. I think everyone should have to be on the platform with a crowd staring back to them with the "come on I dare you to make me worship" look on their faces. I'm so grateful for my church and the faithful ones that I can always count on to be praising and worshiping with abandon. They make my job as a team member that much easier, and they are lifesavers when it is my time to lead worship. Trust me I realize you can't base what God is doing by the reaction of the congregation, but it sure helps to see that someone is actually entering in.

A few years ago Prophet Jim Laffoon was speaking at our church and he was talking about the tabernacle of Moses. As the Israelites were wandering about the wilderness so was the tabernacle. Whenever the cloud or fire began to move they knew it was time to pack up and move on. When this happened each Levite family was responsible to take a certain piece or part of the tabernacle and carry it to the next location. Father's taught their sons which item they were responsible for, whether it was a tent post or a lampstand or some other item, each was vital to the set up of the tabernacle. And it was therefore vital for the Israelites worship. If a family shirked their responsibility and didn't show up with their corresponding part then something was missing from the worship or the sacrifice. If one of the tent poles was late the roof sagged. If one of the lampstands was missing it was too dark for the priests to perform their duties. If the alter was missing or the incense bowls then the sacrifices could not be made appropriately, and therefore would not be made at all.

Prophet Laffoon then connected the duties of the Levites to take their piece with them to each of us in the Body of Christ. The worship team members are not the only ones responsible to be ready for worship. As members of a corporate body we each have a responsibility to come prepared for worship even if our only job is to stand in the congregation. We each contribute to the corporate anointing during a service. So the next time you feel like the worship is lacking something, rather than blame the team, or the music being too loud, or something else, ask yourself if you remembered to bring your lampstand!

I know that you're not going to love every song that the worship team does. Don't worry, all of the worship team doesn't love every song they do. Sometimes I do songs when I'm leading worship that I don't like so much, but I know that God has a purpose for them during that service. So the next time the worship team does a song for the ten-millionth time or is just not your style or the band is a little off, focus on the words of the song and ask God what His purpose is for that service through that song.

Enjoy worship! Allow yourself to enter in. Contribute your part to the corporate anointing! Maybe someone seeing you enter into worship will encourage them to let go and enter in as well!

What's for dinner?

2010-02-22T17:19:00.000-06:00

I love to host get togethers at my house. Last summer we started doing Sunday dinners where everyone would pitch in $5 and come have an amazing home cooked meal and great fellowship while saving money! (I may be a little biased because I cooked most of them.) The invitations started out rather open as long as we knew who was coming so that we would have enough food. However, I quickly started to narrow down the guest list based on the grateful versus ungrateful participants.
One particular Sunday an individual started by asking someone else at church, "Well what are we going to have that's worth $5?" Right there I was ready to say, "Don't come over." Because the fact of the matter is there is NOWHERE around here could he have gone and gotten a nice meal for $5. He couldn't have even cooked a meal for himself the equivalent of what we were having for $5. Despite all of his gripping before hand he came over, however the gripping didn't end there. As he ate he proceeded to tell me what I should have done differently. "You should have had rice. You should have bought ice cream." Blah, blah, blah. Needless to say that was the last time that individual was invited over. Be grateful or just don't come. If you don't want what we're eating that's fine. You will not hurt my feelings. However, if you come and gripe insessently about what I am serving you will certainly find yourself on my bad side.

Rebecca reminded me of this scenario as we talked over the concept of being "fed" spiritually. Last night while on Facebook I was prompted to send a Twitter/status update after reading a series of wall posts between mutual friends that basically built my soap box and set it in front of me. I said, "Be planted where you are, or go where you want to be planted. Either way stop calling the grass greener elsewhere!" I get so tired of people comparing the church they are in with other ministries and pointing out how things should be different.

Everyone always talks about "being fed, being fed." People leave churches because they're "not being fed." Rebecca repeated to me last night something that Jermaine once said to her. As a child I was fed, but as an adult I have a responsibility to feed myself! Even scripture correlates spiritual eating with physical eating when it says that as babies we drank milk and as adults we eat meat. (Side note: I remember an illustrated sermon by one of my Youth Pastors in High School where he actually gave a kid a steak dinner.)

The Bible says that Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Pastors and Teachers were given to equip the Saints. It doesn't say they were given to hold our hands and walk us through every situation. No, they were given to equip the Saints. We equip children to take care of themselves; to dress themselves; to clean up after themselves; to feed themselves; to cook for themselves. God established leaders to equip us to take care of ourselves!

I'm not saying that we ever reach a point where we no longer need a message from a Pastor or a word from a Prophet, etc. However, at some point in our Christian walk, and growth, we should shift from needing them to feed us to being responsible to take the food provided and feed ourselves. Also, we shouldn't depend on them providing food to be fed! If I invite people over and provide a spread of food (which I always have too much) and they leave hungry, it's not my problem. I made the provision, but they had to make a choice to eat what was provided. But what happens to the people who do partake while they are at my house? Do they go hungry until I provide food for them again? No, most likely they have figured out how to cook for and feed themselves. Maybe it's not as elaborate, but it's food, it's sustenance. And with practice and the right tools they may find that they can fix themselves something way more exciting than I can provide.

Maybe when we study and feed on the word on our own it's not as earth shattering and revelatory as when we hear a message from an annointed dynamic minister, but it's food none the less. And the fact of the matter is, no matter how annointed and dynamic a minister is, if we don't take the food provided and eat it we won't be fed! Rather than thinking of your Pastor, etc. as the momma bird chewing and spitting food into your mouth, think of them as the host of a meal.

Here's my challenge to you: If you feel as if you are not being fed take a minute for some self-evaluation and determine if you are making an effort to feed yourself with the food provided. If you really don't like what's being served, if you really can't find any nutritional value it in, then go ahead and find somewhere else to eat. Stop giving everyone else indigestion because you can't stop gripping about the meal.

Also, take a minute to evaluate all of the things you think you know about God and what He's saying and doing. Are all of those things someone else's thoughts? Or do you have some revelation that is uniquely yours? If you are only ever quoting the last big minister you listened to and not sharing the individual revelation that God has given you, then you probably aren't feeding yourself. And if you're not feeding yourself then you can't blame your Pastor for your not being fed. The food may look better at some other ministry, but if you're not feeding yourself you will be as dissatisfied there as you are now!

Walk It Out....

2010-02-21T17:20:00.000-06:00

My blog has been silent for almost a month. It's not that I haven't had things to say, or even tried to construct a blog. On the contrary, I've attempted two. However, I never got to the point of finishing either one. In fact I have a whole list of blogs that I would like to write, but they haven't come together yet. Here's a thing to understand about my blogging process. Some come easily. I sit down and it is as if the words flow directly through my fingers to the page with little effort. Then there are the times when I labor to collect the myriad of thoughts going through my mind into one cohesive flow. It's the latter that usually end up being really great, but possibly taking months to write. For instance my blog "Whatever It Takes" was six months in the making. Also, I don't want to make my blogs so long that no one wants to read them. Sometimes there are just so many things I want to say on a subject that it overwhelms me. I've thought of breaking those things up into a series, but then that overwhelms me.

Here's what's been going on in my life over the last month - At the beginning of the message on Sunday, January 17th one of the elders of our church, who was ministering that morning, called me out and said God had told him that my husband was "very close." The irony of this was that I was not in the sanctuary at the moment. I was in teaching the Jr. High, though everyone thought I was in the video room watching service from there. This was followed by quite a display of cheering and applauding by people who obviously love me and have been waiting for my big day to come. I later got a copy of the service, and found great amusement in everyone's reactions. The most amazing thing about this is just the night before I said, "God I really need to hear something, anything."

A couple weeks later at the beginning of a conference one of our ministers came up to me and said, "I had a weird dream about you last night. I dreamed I was at your wedding." I was shocked and delighted. God will confirm everything, and here he was confirming. A few days later I had a dream that it was my wedding day. (Total side note: I'm watching Food Network Challenge and they are making Sesame Street cakes. These things look SO realistic!) And the day after that I was having lunch with two of my favorite people who were in for the conference when they mentioned what a big day it would be at CI when I get married. This conversation was particularly interesting to me because we've never had that kind of conversation in the 11 years that I have known them. It was just further confirmation for me that God really is moving on my behalf, and probably quickly.

The question is, however, what do you do with a word from God that is confirmed over and over? How do you walk it out, especially when it is something as important, and sensitive, as marriage? I mean, "very close" could, and probably does, mean something totally different to me than it does to God. Well let me first tell you that as encouraging as all of it has been it has also been a great struggle. There are days that despite knowing that God has said this, knowing that I know, that I know that He has a plan that He will bring about in His perfect timing, I doubt. I worry. I fight the urge to take things into my own hands.

On a daily basis I pray that God will take away any feelings I have that would lead me away from His plan. I want my Isaac, not an Ishmael. I really don't want to take matters into my own hands. And I know that if I do it will be disastrous! My own song comes back to me on a daily basis, "I put my trust in you. I place my life in your hands..." And daily I lay it at the Lord's feet. I wish I could say I don't think about it daily, but the truth is I do.

However, through this process I have felt more peace than I probably ever have. I know that God will work things out and no matter how they look He has something up His sleeve. He can turn things in an instant. I also know that I have a responsibility to let God work out some further issues in my heart. So I'm opening myself up to Him to work out the insecurities that remain, and make me into the wife that I will need to be.

So all of this has stirred up lots of things that I would like to blog about, but getting the thoughts broken down in a presentable way has been more challenging. However, they will come!

I'm hopeful! I know God is working it all out, and I look forward to sharing it all with you as it unfolds!

I Got a New Attitude

2010-01-25T17:16:00.000-06:00

A year ago I made up my mind to get in shape. 30 was looming over a year away and I wanted to feel better when I turned 30 than I did a few months before 29. I started by walking here on campus in the mornings. When summer started to roll around it just got too stinking hot and the opportunity opened up for me to join the gym with a few of my friends. Throughout the summer we were hard core, sometimes doing 2-a-days and challenging each other to be there every morning. As Summer ended and we welcomed fall and the peace and quiet that comes with the tourists going home, schedules got crazy. Our morning workouts had at some point shifted to evenings after work, but with only Monday and Thursday evenings free that didn't leave me much time to hit the gym. Then the conference season started and that really threw me off schedule. I stuck to it as much as I could, but wasn't pushing myself the way I wanted to.

In a year I haven't lost a whole lot of weight, but my body has changed and I am DEFINITELY in better shape than I was this time last year. It was all I could do to walk a mile when I started. Now I'm doing 3.1 miles, plus a cool down, and alternating walking and running. My lungs still need some help, I literally have to concentrate on breathing during the running/jogging intervals, but otherwise I'm doing well. Considering most of my life I have been inactive, except when forced to be by PE class in school, I don't think it's too shabby. The best part is I recently had to purchase new jeans, and when I did so was able to purchase a size that I have not bought since I moved to Florida 11 years ago. WOOT! Even better, though annoying for my pocket book, is that my new jeans only make it about 2 wears before being too stretched out to be cute and requiring both a wash and a dry. I may be buying a smaller size before too long.... a size I don't think I've worn since clothing sizes coincided with my age!

This morning with renewed determination I got up before the sun and went to the gym. I did about 50 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of weights. Last night before bed I prepped and set the coffee pot to start brewing at 5:20am. As I suspected the smell of coffee helped me get out of bed and on my way. Drinking most of it on the way to the gym woke me up and drinking the rest on the way home kept me from falling back asleep. Now in the solitude of my living room I'm drinking another cup and gathering my thoughts before starting another week.

I started working out last year for me, no one else, just me. Now, though I continue to do it for me, I also do it with a May bridesmaid dress in mind and someday a wedding gown of my own. (Don't get too excited... I'm just saying the day will come...) I also do it because it feels good when people say, "Whatever you're doing keep it up. You look great!" Being that I am a "words of affirmation" kind of girl it motivates me. (Check out the 5 Love Languages quiz. http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp)

Right now I face the early mornings alone. Everyone else is on a crazy diet that has been deemed "the diet of death" and can't work out. They are loosing as much as two pounds a day, and though mine is coming off slower I feel proud of my efforts. I know that every pound that comes off has been melted by my own determination, my own blood, sweat and tears! Then again I don't mind going to the gym alone. It was nice having everyone there over the summer, having the accountability, but the gym has become my "me" time. I can think, reflect, pray... I like it! Though I must admit... when a good worship song comes on my play list it's often challenging to hold myself back so I don't look like a total loon! It's cool though to know I am meeting with God, basking in His presence, amidst all of the machines and sweat! :)

I'm adding a section to my blog dedicated to my daily journey to be a slimmer version of myself. 30 is 2 months and 1 day away. I think I'm going to face it like a Spider Monkey, all jacked up on caffeine and endorphins! This is going to be an amazing year, 2010, turning 30, IT'S ON!

I'd love for you to join me on this journey, whether by doing something to get moving yourself, or just by reading my adventures. Now I must hit the shower so I don't stink at work! ;)

He's in the business of GOOD!

2009-12-31T17:15:00.000-06:00

As I tried to go to sleep last night I continued pondering Romans 8:28. (Read Tell Me No Lies to see my previous ponderings.) The scripture says that God works all things for good for those who love him. Some versions say, "all things work together for good." In my blog last night I likened it to fixing a messed up recipe, but it's not that God fixes the messes, instead He makes them good. I thought about this and became grateful that God doesn't just fix stuff, but He decides to make it good, or make good of it. To me fixing something is just putting it back together in it's original form. But what if the original form was broken to begin with? Then the fix won't hold.

One of my kitchen chairs broke some time ago. A friend of mine worked some magic with some wood glue and a make-shift brace of grocery bags and fixed it. It was back to it's original form, you could sit on it without fear of falling ... for a time. By no fault of the fixer the fix didn't hold up very long and now is even more broken than it was before. It has been tossed in the spare room until we either attempt to fix it again, or buy new chairs. (Which I just found 4 for $75... replacement and a few extras!) Obviously there is some sort of flaw in the make of the chair. This isn't the first I've had break. If the original design is flawed fixing it will only work temporarily. I believe that's why the scripture doesn't say that God will "fix" things for those who love Him, but rather will make them good.

The verses leading up to Romans 8:28 talk of the earth being pregnant and groaning for the things to come. At the same time there is a groaning inside each of us for the things to come. One of my favorite parts of the scripture is in verses 26 and 27. This is what it says in the Message Bible, "Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. (28)That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." I love this part because so many times I have found myself with no idea how to pray. Caught somewhere between faith and doubt, between "witchcraft prayers" and God's will, I found myself without words. Just praying that God would have His way in the situation.

It reminds me of Hannah. Hannah was passionately crying out to God to open her womb. She prayed so long that words no longer came from her mouth, though her lips moved. Eli, the priest, thought she was drunk. She had purposed to "grab hold of the horns of the altar" and not let go until her prayer was answered. And God did come through. He not only opened her womb, but in all she had six children. Samuel, the eldest, came to play a pivotal part in the epic events of Kings to come.

In the last several months I have felt like I was in that exact place. White knuckled grip on the altar, no words to speak, only my lips moving, crying out to God to have His way and in the process give me peace. "God make this mess into something good. I know Your ways are higher than mine. Have Your way and make this mess into something good."

Romans 8 goes on to say this in the next verses, "God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun. So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us."

I have had several friends who have gotten married only to have their marriages end by no fault of their own. Their spouses cheated and reconciliation wasn't possible. I'm sure they all held on to the promise that God would work all things for good because they are people who love Him. Two of those friends are now married to men that are absolutely perfect for them. They are happier than they probably ever could have imagined. God didn't fix the situation, He made it good. He gave them good even though what they had on their hands was a mess.

God is in the business of making good, turning bad things to good. Whatever you are facing, whatever mess you have on your hands - God doesn't intend to just fix it. He intends to make it good, to make something good of it. He knows all and He's working it all like a carefully played chess game. Yes, we are His pawns in this big game, but He's not in the loosing business!

I have a song pending along the lines of this scripture. Right now I have what will probably be the chorus and bridge, but the verses have alluded me. The more I study this scripture the more God shows me... hopefully it will come together soon!

Tell me no lies...

2009-12-28T17:12:00.000-06:00

I've been wanting to write a New Year's blog, but not been successful in producing my thoughts about the coming year in a cohesive manner. It's not that I didn't have anything to say, I actually started a page and a half, but it wasn't right. It wasn't what I wanted to say. While getting ready for bed last night I heard God say, "I am not a man that I should lie." Of course I know God doesn't lie. I know He doesn't say things he doesn't mean, but somehow this hit me in a new way.

You see I had just learned that yet another promise made by someone would go unfulfilled. Broken promises, no matter how often you experience them, are not something you just get used to. Those that say they expect promises to be broken, or that they have given up hope of people fulfilling their word are merely trying to protect themselves. I bet if they were honest they would tell you that somewhere deep inside they always hope things will be different. Always hope that something will change. Always hope that they will be surprised by the unexpected.

Sadly people who have experienced so many disappointments and broken promises in their lives doubt everyone's word, even God's... I can honestly say I have struggled a lot with whether or not God will fulfill His promises because of all of the times I have been let down by people on this earth. How can I trust a God I can't see when people I can aren't always dependable?

Now there are a lot of VERY dependable people in my life, people that I can always count on, like my Mom. But there are the few that haven't been dependable. There's a principle that 100 people could complement your hair, say how nice it is, and in the midst of those people one say something to the contrary, "Your bangs look funny," and you will "forget" the 100 nice things and remember the one derogatory statement. I've found it to be the same with dependability. I have tons of people in my life who follow through on their word, but there are a few who don't. So when things start to look like they are falling apart, like someone's promises won't be fulfilled, I remember the other times in my life when promises haven't been fulfilled rather than all the times they have.

Meanwhile, here we are with 2010 staring us down like a bad game of chicken. It's coming and there is no avoiding it. Truth be told I don't want to avoid it. I want to run at it head on... I'm just not sure I want to run all the way through to December. Another year is ending, a whole new decade beginning and there several promises in my life that have not yet been fulfilled. One obvious one being that of a husband and family.

I've come a long way over the last several years and have learned to embrace my singleness. I seize opportunities to be spontaneous knowing that I won't always have that luxury. I enjoy days when I can just lay on the couch in my pjs watching tv and let the house be a mess and not have to answer to anyone about it. However, I still look forward to my last first date and my last first kiss. I look forward to having someone to share my life with. If more people knew the current inward contemplations along these same regards they would be proud of me. Proud that I have also embraced trusting God and His timing. Proud that I have finally learned to "let go and let God." This of course isn't the only promise yet to be fulfilled in my life, but it is an important one.

Numbers 23:19 says, "God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" Again in 1 Samuel 15:29 it says, "He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind." Not only does God not lie, He doesn't change His mind. In Isaiah 55:11 it says that His word will not return void. That means if God speaks it, it will happen. Now, believe what you will, but I know that I serve a God that is still speaking today. He didn't stop with His written word. He still speaks to and through His people everyday, all day!
And if He says it, if it proceeds from His mouth it will not return void. He keeps His promises. Not always according to our timing, most of the time not according to our timing, but He will keep His word. He's not a liar! He didn't lie about not lieing!

So, what has He promised? He's promised that He will supply all of our needs; Phillippians 4:19. He's promised us eternal life through Jesus. He's promised that He will work all things for good to those who love Him; Romans 8:28. He's promised that He has a plan for each of our lives, Jeremiah 29:11. I could go on and on and on... There are webpages devoted to the promises God has made to us, His children. (Not to mention an ancient book...) I dare you to Google "God's promises." And He says, "I'm not a man that I should lie!" WOW! God's not a liar, and He meant everything He has promised us!

Romans 8:28 - God makes all things good for those who love Him makes me think of cooking. A good cook can fix a meal or recipe gone wrong. They know the right thing to add to make it less salty, or take out some of the "heat." When I'm making my secret recipe sugar cookies I know what to add if the batter is too wet or too dry.

There is a show on the Food Network called Dinner Impossible. The host, Robert Irvine, is given no notice to put together elaborate meals. There's some prep time to decide what he's going to make and getting the supplies and then the pandemonium begins. He is such an expert at what he does that even if things go wrong he can turn them around and accomplish his goal. God is an expert at cooking up our lives. He's known the plans he has for us before we were even conceived. Even if things get "messed up" He knows the perfect ingredient to turn it all around. It may seem bleek, it may seem impossible, but He promised He would work all things for good if we love Him!

As I pondered yet another broken promise and wondered about the year ahead He said, "I am not a man that I should lie." So as I face 2010 head on with bulldog tenacity I do so knowing that what my God has promised He will fulfill! I don't have to sweat it. He's got it all figured out! All I have to do is keep walking with Him, stay sensitive to the sound of His voice and watch Him move!

What has He promised you that has yet to be fulfilled? Are you trusting the One who can not lie? Do you believe that He will make all things good? He will! Give Him a chance to prove it!

I'm dreaming of Di'Carlo's pizza...

2009-12-19T17:10:00.000-06:00

I'm sure everyone who lives away from the town they grew up in has places they must eat at when they visit home. When I make it home to Wheeling, WV there are at least two must haves on my list - Di Carlo's Pizza and Coleman's Fish Sandwich. Now to the non-native neither of these may seem all that interesting, nor look all that appetizing, but that's because you aren't from the Ohio Valley! My Step Dad will eat Coleman's but will not even entertain eating Di Carlo's. I think he considers it a disgrace to pizza world-wide that it would bare the sacred name. He is also convinced that there is some sort of illegal substance in it that makes the masses crave it, especially with all you have to go through to get some. Our Toy Poodle, Dexter, even turned his nose up to it, and he LOVED pizza! That's okay... that meant more for me!

It's true obtaining some of the beloved substance is a bit like arranging a drug deal, or rather how I would imagine arranging one would be, as I have never arranged a drug deal. There are actually several establishments that bare the Di Carlo's name around the Valley and even in other places. I know there is one in Morgantown, WV and my cousin said she found one in her Pittsburgh suburb. Every Di Carlo's lover has their favorite establishment. It's not like Pizza Hut, and the product you receive will vary from location to location. My favorite DC establishment is in Elm Grove.

If you want to have Di Carlo's for dinner and not a late night snack you must plan ahead! Here's the acquisition process:

First you must call to place your order. They don't deliver and you will not be eating in... you can't, there aren't any tables. You could in theory walk in and place your order, but I've never seen that be a successful endeavor. The person answering the phone is unlikely to say more than, "Thanks for calling Di Carlo's," in a tone that lacks both personality and enthusiasm. Don't expect them to say, "Can I take your order," or "How can I help you?" If they do they are probably new and haven't been taught the ways of the 'phone spot' yet. It is your responsibility to inform them that you would like some pizza. You haven't called to check on the weather or the WVU score. You don't want to shoot the breeze. You want to order pizza. And please, don't do any of those things, there's no call waiting and no answering machine and there are others wanting to order pizza.

You won't be ordering a small, medium or large. You will be ordering by the slice, and consequently paying by the slice. You could order by the tray, but that is going to give you 24 pieces of pizza. At the Elm Grove location you can get either pepperoni or cheese... there are no other toppings available. Generally my Mom and I order 12 pieces with extra cheese and no pepperoni. (To ensure there are leftovers.) Some people prefer to order a bag of cheese (The phrase "dime bag" comes to mind.) rather than ordering extra cheese. I don't know why except that they may not want the cheese melted on. (I'll explain that in a minute..)

Upon placing your order you will be given a number. They don't care what your name is, and they probably don't care if you ever show up to get your pizza because usually they will not tell you how long it will take. You will have to ask for that information. Last night we were told 45 mins. That's actually pretty quick. Unless you call right at 3pm when they open you could wait anywhere from 45 mins to 2 hours. I've actually been waiting to pick up my pizza during a football game (getting to that too...) and heard them tell people, "It'll be 2 hours."

The scene inside DC in Elm Grove is always the same. One little lady that reminds me of Linda Hunt mans the list, the money and sometimes the phone. Then there's the girl who puts the boxes together, building a tower of box tops and bottoms. (I've always wondered if this job is given to a newbie... and always felt a little bad for the box girl. How monotenous!) There are two guys who's sole responsibility is to put pizzas in the oven and take them out. It is important to point out that true Di Carlo's pizza is cooked without the cheese. Only the crust and the sauce are cooked, on rectangular pans, the cheese and pepperoni are applied later. This technique means the cheese is rarely fully melted on your pizza. But the small chunked mozarella they use is better when not fully melted. One worker is usually in the back prepping crust trays. There is usually one girl who is given the responsibility of applying the first layer of cheese. Another cuts the pizza into it's signature square slice. (Like brownies everyone has a preferance. Some people are ends, others middles and the adventurous ones are corners.) Another girl is responsible to consult the list and instruct yet another to fill boxes for each order. Boxes hold six slices which are typically the first six they scoop up and place in the box, unless you order something specific. Then they are given pepperoni or extra cheese, or both. There are no uniforms, only red aprons worn over everyone's personal style, and there are no gloves. Gasp! At least you can see them making your food!

I don't recommend going early in an attempt to get your pizza quicker than the ETA. It won't happen and you will most likely find yourself in a 8x20 space crammed up against the soda machines or arcade games with about 20 other people until your pizza is ready. You will stand. Like I said before there are no chairs! If we're told 45 mins we usually wait an hour and a half to go pick up our pizza. It's likely to be almost impossible to find a parking space and even more impossible to make it through the throng of people to the counter to give them your number. (Last night it was surprisingly empty for a Friday night before a snow storm. I would have expected people to be stocking up.) They will find your number on the list, a spiral steno pad with rows and rows of numbers and hyroglifics, and confirm your order. Then you will... wait some more. Eventually they will call your number and you will pay. Did I mention this is a cash only establishment? Well it is, so if you have a check or credit card... NO PIZZA FOR YOU! (Steve, my Step Dad, likens it to the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld.) Just because you paid does not mean you will be given your pizza and sent hiking. No, you will probably wait a little longer. They will call your number one more time and you can maneuver your way to the counter to get your box, or stack of boxes, and leave. It is quite a balancing act to get out of the holding area, through the jealous hungry on-lookers, alive and with all of your pizza. (Actually people are fairly nice and part the waters for you, but it sounds so much funnier the other way.)

Last night when my Mom and I walked into the establishment the smell was intoxicating. It took a lot of self-control not to bust into the box as soon as we got to the car. Good thing I was driving and Mom was the designated box holder. Though I will eat an end or corner with out complaining, I am a middle girl! My earliest memory of eating Di Carlo's was in our house in Oakmont Hills. I was probably six and I was eating a middle piece. My hands were too little to balance the piece by gently applying pressure to opposing sides. Instead I just gripped it like you would pizza with crust. However, being a middle piece it had no crust and my little fingers squished around in the cheese and sauce. I thought it was the greatest thing ever! Though I now make much less of a mess I'm just as happy to eat the middles and leave the ends and corners for my Mom. (Which interestingly enough is the way I feel about brownies too!)

I mentioned earlier that we always order enough to ensure we will have leftovers. Each DC lover is as particular about their left overs as where they get their pizza to begin with. My Grandmother, Gibby, insisted the only right way to reheat it was in the oven so that the crust would be crunchy. I on the other hand am willing to exchange limp crust for cheese that is warm, but not melted. I usually nuke mine for about 35 seconds. Just enough to take the chill off but not enough to melt down the yummy cheese.

The only "delivery" you will get from DC comes via Fed Ex. That's right, they will ship you pre-cut slices, cheese and pepperoni, with dry ice and cooking instructions. Gibby sent me some for my birthday one year. It was the best present! Last night I saw they have a jar on the counter where you can contribute to sending trays to our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. I thought that was pretty cool... and next time I'm in there will be depositing a few dollars to the fund!

Even though it's a 50/50 chance you would like it if you're an "outsider" I encourage you to try it if ever given the chance! To me it beats any pizza even the Colby Special or the EBA!

I Gotta' Feelin! Woo hoo!

2009-12-10T17:08:00.000-06:00

September 21st Jermaine emailed me and asked me to go on a top secret mission for him. See he was, well and still is, dating my roommate Rebecca. The top secret mission was to find out Rebecca's ring size and what kind of engagement ring she wanted. Being that I love them both, and I love them together I was more than willing to accept the mission. It took me a few weeks to find the right time, but eventually, while Jermaine was in Scotland, I found an opportunity to work the critical questions into a conversation with Rebecca. Ironically we had actually talked about rings before, but I could not for the life of me remember what size she was.

On Saturday, October 17th he took her to Destin to look at fish just to provide an opportunity to sneak an outfit he bought her into the house. Later he led her on a treasure hunt with Ashley that ended at Alys Beach. Jermaine met Rebecca when Ashley dropped her off, covered her eyes and led her down to the beach. On the beach was written "Rebecca will you marry me?" She said yes, and they have set the date for May 8th, 2010. (Check out this "feature" of their engagement on the Alys Beach blog - http://tiny.cc/uB3DZ )

November 7th Rebecca and her bridesmaids, Ashley, Mandy and I, loaded up in the car for a mini road trip to Tallahassee for some dress shopping. We were meeting Rebecca's Mom there and Ashley, the matron of honor, had a whole day planned. The memories began before we even got on the interstate. If you're lucky, and you ask Ashley and I nicely we may reenact the Whattaburger bee scenario. It was just the beginning of a fun filled day of bonding and doting on the bride-to-be! We cranked the music and sang along with everything from 80s to country and everything in between.
As most girls, Rebecca has been dreaming about her wedding since she was a kid. We've had wedding magazines in our house since long before Jermaine proposed. She had in mind what kind of dress she would like and what kind she wouldn't. One dress in particular she was in love with. When we got to David's Bridal she sat down with the consultant and picked out dresses she wanted to try on. Her Mom, and all of us bridesmaids, agreed that she should try on the one she really loved last. We figured unless it looked absolutely terrible she would stop looking as soon as she tried it on. So she tried on several dresses, all of which were nice, but none were "the one." I've been dress shopping with enough brides, and watched enough episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress" that I know when a girl knows the dress is "the one."

Rebecca's consultant had to step away to help another bride and her manager came to help instead. Rebecca gave her the quick run down of what she liked and what she didn't like and the manager went in search of a few more dresses. A few minutes later we could overhear the manager saying, "I want you to know I was listening to what you said, but I want you to try this dress. If you don't like it we'll stick with the styles you like." A few moments later Rebecca walked out in a beautiful dress. It didn't take long to realize it was "the one!" We were all teary eyed and could see her walking down the aisle in that dress. Just to be sure she then tried on the dress she had loved from the magazine. Though it was still beautiful, she decided it wasn't "the one." The other dress was!

Rebecca experienced the same thing I watched Gena experience almost 12 years ago. She fell for a dress that was nothing she ever thought she wanted.

Over the next few days I pondered this scenario. How many brides have gone in with one dress in mind and ended up with something totally different? More than that... how often does that happen in our lives? There have been so many times I have thought a situation would "fit me perfectly" only to discover it wasn't at all what I was looking for. On the other hand there have been situations where I became friends with someone that I thought I would be too different for me to really enjoy. Instead I discovered that I really enjoyed them and am now grateful to have them in my life.

I've always loved to sing. As a kid I would stand on our fireplace hearth and dance and sing along with Kids Inc. (Shout out if you remember that show...) When I was in 3rd grade I started taking voice and piano lessons at my school. Then we moved from West Virginia to Florida for a year. When we came back, though I returned to the same school, I didn't start back up lessons. It wasn't until I was in High School, after we moved to Ohio, that I started taking lessons again. I was in the youth choir, but my Mom really wanted me to start taking lessons again. I resisted. I was afraid the teacher would turn me into an opera singer, and that's not what I wanted! I eventually gave in. I think my Mom pretty much told me to try it and if I really hated it I could quit. Well, I ended up not really hating it. I took lessons all through High School and loved every minute of it. Along with my lessons I continued to be a part of the youth choir and took choir at my school.

I know that I would not be where I am in regards to my singing abilities if my Mom hadn't pushed me to try something that I thought wasn't what I was looking for. I went from being quiet as a church mouse to confident in the gift God gave me. I went from a face in the choir to an assistant worship leader. All because I gave in and tried something I didn't think I would like.

How often do we limit ourselves, or put God in a box because we think we know how things should be? What opportunities do we miss because we think we won't like something or someone? I'm trying to take on the mantra that I will try anything once. (Obviously within reason.) I might find I really enjoy something or someone, or I might realize it wasn't really a fit for me after all.

We never know when "not my style" is waiting just around the corner and is really "the one."

Friends Are Friends Forever

2009-12-08T17:06:00.000-06:00

I've heard it a million times - Some people come into our lives for a reason, a season and others a lifetime. Over almost 30 years of life I've seen a lot of people come and go. Maybe even more so than the average person since the two places I've lived the longest are typically known for transition. Six years in Columbus and then going on 11.5 here in Florida have been spent in places with Bible Colleges. Typically Bible College students aren't supposed to stick around forever. The intention is for them to come, be trained and then go out! There are the select few of us that find ourselves becoming more permanent fixtures. One would think living in this type of environment most of my life would leave me with lots of reasons and seasons, but few lifetimes. I'm blessed to say that is not the case.

It is also said that one should consider them self blessed if they have a few close friends in their life. Well, I consider myself abundantly blessed because there are four ladies who I have been friends with for somewhere around 17 years. Though Crysta, Gena, Glenda, Natalie and I are now spread all over, far from Columbus, Ohio where our sisterhood began, we are still joined by a lasting bond of friendship. We don't necessarily talk weekly, or even email weekly, but we always know the others are there in a heartbeat if we need them. And we know that the next time we get together we will pick up right where we left off. Once they were strangers, then they became friends, but now they are more than that. They are my sisters. They are a part of me. I feel like if people who know me now met them they would understand me a little more. We have laughed together, cried together, ministered together, gotten in trouble together, grew up together and will grow old together. They are lifetime friends. They are my heart!

I had the opportunity to spend time with Gena and Crysta over Thanksgiving week. Gena, her husband Toby and their three amazing kids live in Baton Rouge, LA. Fortunately it's a short six hour drive away, and one I have come to know very well. I know where to find cheap gas, clean restrooms, Arby's, Cane's and Starbucks between here and there. I try not to let too many months slip by before I go see them, but sometimes it's fewer and farther between than I would like. Gena and Toby's house is an oasis for me. More times than I can begin to count, a trip to their house has come right on time. Whether I need a change of scenery, a break from the day-to-day or an escape from the drama I know I will find it at their house. There is such a comfort in being with people that really know you and except you for exactly who you are. There are no demands at their house except to dote on my adorable niece and nephews. Not only is Gena like a sister, but when she married Toby we all got a brother. It's nice to know he's as excited about me coming to visit as she is and that he doesn't just tolerate me for her sake.

Crysta and Gena are biological sisters. Crysta, Gena and Crysta's family, and Toby's family all live in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. Gena and Toby rotate Thanksgiving and Christmas with their families each year. Last year it was Thanksgiving with Gena's family and they drove to Baton Rouge from Ft. Worth. This year it was Thanksgiving with Toby's family so they would be trekking to Dallas and invited me to join them. Originally I had declined figuring I couldn't take the entire week off from work. I had resolved to stay here and even started making plans to do a Thanksgiving meal at my house. Well, those plans fell through and I found myself wondering what I would do on Thanksgiving Day. One night I thought about what it would be like to be able to go with them to Dallas. After that I just couldn't shake the thought of going, and decided I would make it work!

I'm so glad I did! Right now I am single and able to make last minute decisions to do things like go to Dallas for Thanksgiving. If I were married, or even just dating, I might not have such luxuries. When I have kids it definitely won't be as easy. I got to spend an entire week with some of my favorite people on the planet!

If these were the only close friends I had I would consider myself fortunate, but God has blessed me with others. I have friends all over the country and though many of them I rarely get to see they hold a special place in my heart, and I know the same is true for me in theirs.

Thanksgiving and Christmas always make me reflect on all the blessings that I have. I am thankful for all my girls! I'm thankful that this year I got to see all four of my girls! It's the first time in a long time that has hapened.

I'm thankful for every person that God has brought into my life. I know that none have come and gone without leaving some sort of mark on my life.

What are you thankful for? Who are you thankful for? Have you taken the time lately to let them know you are?